


Servant of the People

by Michael_Ackart



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Control Ending, Custom Commander Shepard, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Series, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2018-04-22 18:48:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 55,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4846409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Michael_Ackart/pseuds/Michael_Ackart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two years have passed since Shepard fired the crucible and ended the war. Though still uneasy, the galaxy has accepted the help of the reprogrammed reapers with fixing the damage. But moving on is hard for Kaidan when he's still grieving for the man he loves. When something peculiar happens, he's not sure if this is the sign of another enemy or if the only monsters are the ones lurking in his mind</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A new mshenko story because I just can't control myself. But unlike my other two, it's not an AU. Just post-war. Told from Kaidan's point of view, which is new for me. I hope you enjoy. For more shenanigans, follow me at **gaycalshepard.tumblr.com**

Two years.

Two years since the galaxy was saved, since people stopped dying by the millions, since the reapers ceased to be a threat.

The galaxy is rebuilding itself and for the first time in years, people have _hope._ And yet, Kaidan has never felt more alone. The galaxy is saved--because of Shepard’s sacrifice.

It’s been two years since Cal Shepard died, since he left Kaidan behind on the Normandy to charge off into that beam of light. He doesn’t know what happened--nobody truly does--but it resulted in the reapers changing. Now they help, as if someone flipped a switch inside their minds. And because of them, the rebuilding of an entire galaxy they almost destroyed is going steadily.

The Citadel was of course the first thing worked on. A couple years later, much of the damage is erased. Things are finally starting to return to normal. Kaidan receives spectre assignments, still saving the galaxy but in a less direct way this time around.

But right now, he’s not off on some hostile planet or exploring a new star system. He’s in his apartment on the Citadel. It’s nice, and small because he’s the only one living here. Tears fill his eyes at that thought. Cal, his dad, Anderson, so many lives were lost in that vicious war. It’s still strange to think that the reapers are now helping instead of hurting everyone they come in contact with.

Kaidan stares at the ceiling and wonders if he wants to get up or stay in bed for another hour. Two years later and sometimes it’s still difficult to drag himself up in the morning. Sleeping in a bed alone is painful but so is walking into a world without his best friend, his partner, his lover. He misses Cal so much every single day.

Sometimes he can distract himself and pour himself entirely into missions and other times, like today and this past week, he feels hollow. What is Shepard's reward for saving an entire galaxy?

Death.

The universe is fucked up.

With an exhausted groan, he forces his body upright. He does have someone to meet in a couple hours, thankfully not for work. If he had to perform any Alliance or spectre duties today, he’d probably toss himself into the Presidium lake. No, this is just to hang out with a friend, someone he knew during the war but never befriended until after.

He passes his ragged reflection on his way to the kitchen, t-shirt rumpled and hair a mess, neither which he bothers to fix. What’s the point?

He plops down at the table once he has a giant mug of bitter coffee with just a splash of milk. He checks his messages with little interest. He’s exhausted--half the night was spent dreaming about Cal and the rest of it crying over the fact that it wasn’t real. His stomach rumbles loudly but the thought of trying to eat makes him nauseous.

Kaidan just takes another swig o coffee, relishing the burn as it slides down his throat and realizing it probably isn’t helping with the queasiness. It’s hard to bring himself to care though. This past week has been extra difficult--he misses Cal more than usual, everything reminds him of his boyfriend and makes his heart ache.

He almost opens his omni-tool again to cancel his plans. But he stops himself, knowing if he does that then Miranda will just barge into his apartment instead. He wonders if Cal would be surprised that the two of them are friends now. They met of course during the war but it wasn’t until everything was over that they developed a friendship. Under any other circumstances, Kaidan would be embarrassed about that first meeting after Shepard’s death.

After days and days of searching, no signs of Shepard had been found and the Alliance finally declared him killed in action. In a flurry of desperation and disbelief, Kaidan searched Miranda Lawson out. She rebuilt Shepard once--she could do it again, right? He begged and begged and it broke her heart to see him so upset. She was upset too--the commander had inadvertently become one of her closest friends. And now he was gone, leaving behind a galaxy full of friends and a lover who had to go through his death twice.

She watched Kaidan go from desperate to angry to broken over the following weeks, until he finally accepted that she could do nothing to bring Shepard back. Eventually he returned to her, voice dull and eyes empty, and apologized for his display. She said that he was forgiven, because she missed Shepard too.

They shared stories of their various adventures with Cal and that paved the way to them becoming friends. The pair now meets up when they can and today they both happen to be on the Citadel. Kaidan sighs and rubs at his temples. The apartment complex has a gym and a pool. Will a quick work out give him some energy?”

“Fuck that,” he mutters.

Instead of focusing on anything healthy, he lies face down on the couch for a while before deciding to shower. His routine is sluggish as he gets ready. They’re meeting in the Presidium--his mind flashes back to adventures involving rouge AIs and preachy hanar--for lunch. When he leaves the apartment complex, he grows anxious as he debates which path to take. He can always take a cab directly to restaurant.

Or he can walk through the Presidium. His heart races at the thought. Would that really be wise right now? His body shakes with indecision. Walking past the stores will wreck him but he needs-

Kaidan’s hand slams down on the screen much harder than what is necessary to rent a cab. He breathes out harshly as he settles into one of the cars and types in his destination so it can take him there on autopilot. He settles into the leather seat, arms crossed as he watches other cars fly by.

He hopes Miranda doesn’t notice his mood. He sends a message saying he’ll be there in fifteen. A couple minutes later she says she’s just arrived and is getting a table.

Kaidan has a good portion of the new Presidium memorized after two years of walking through it and when he passes by that certain spot, he closes his eyes and tries to think of other things. He ends up thinking of the stories he heard as a kid, the tales about heroes and adventure. His life has been one of those stories for the last few years. But what people forget to mention is the aftermath--when the adventure is over and the monsters are defeated, no one ever talks about how traumatized the heroes are. Kaidan wishes he would’ve realized that not every story has a happy ending, maybe it would’ve prepared him for what his life is like now.

When the skycar finally parks and he walks into the restaurant, the host leads him to the correct table. Miranda smiles when she sees him, standing so they can hug. “Glad to see you back from the Terminus Systems in one piece.”

“Glad I don’t have to go back for a while,” he says as they sit down. He’s recently returned from a month long spectre mission on Omega. The rival gangs surprisingly left him to his work. He suspects it was Aria T’Loak’s intervention, out of respect for Shepard. Cal was, after all, the one who helped her reclaim Omega from Cerberus. She and Kaidan have never met, though he certainly heard tales. He’s just relieved to be back in Citadel space. He can get lost in thought in the Presidium without worrying about getting mugged. Usually.

“Omega, right?” Miranda asks. “Did you run into Aria?”

“No. But no one really bothered me. It’s cleaned up some, but I still don’t like going there.”

“I know what you mean. I always feel like I need a shower or two after I do business there.”

He laughs. “I need like ten showers then.”

A waiter comes and takes their drink orders. Miranda asks for ice tea while Kaidan gets a beer.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” he says in his defense when they’re alone again. He picks up the menu and tries to decide how hungry he is.

“You’re not allowed to order steak,” she teases.

“I wasn’t going to! Okay...maybe I was thinking about it.” He ends up ordering a burger with bacon, ignoring the playful roll of his friend’s eyes.

“So how’ve you been?” she asks.

He wonders if she’s detected his mood and is trying to cut straight to the point. “Fine. Been pretty busy lately between that mission and Alliance stuff. What about you?”

“Mm, research and more research. Part of me is glad, I do enjoy it and it’s for an important project. But the other part misses all the action.”

He smirks. “I think the Normandy always found a little too much action though.” His smile falters and this time he’s sure Miranda noticed.

“Are you okay?”

No.

“Yeah.” He chews his lips a moment. “Just a little down today. It happens.” It does--a lot more than perhaps it should.

“Anything you want to talk about?” The question comes hesitantly.

He shakes his head. “We haven’t been able to hang out in months. I don’t want to be a downer.”

“Oh, come on. We’ve been friends a while now, yes? I think we’re a little past things like that.”

She knows he still isn’t comfortable and can probably hear the debate going on in his head. She watches his fingers slide across the front of his shirt, where a necklace dangles beneath the fabric. On a silver chain hangs a ring that Kaidan used to wear on his finger before the war ended. It’s a platinum band with a swirl of small black diamond. She remembers thinking how beautiful it was when Shepard showed her his matching band on the Silversun Strip. Kaidan and Cal never married, but the rings were still tokens of their love.

Now it’s just Kaidan’s anchor.

“I just miss him, you know?” he finally whispers. “Everything reminds me of him and I...I just want him back.”

“I know. What you’ve been through is painful.”

“It isn’t fair,” he growls. “Cal has done more for the galaxy than anyone else. He should be here, he should’ve seen the war end for himself. He...” He clutches at the ring, unable to finish his sentence.

“It is unfair. And I know it’s hard but Shep would want you-”

“I know. I know exactly what he would say. The time we had together...it wasn’t nearly enough. It’s not _fair_. I love him so much, I always will. But I-I don’t know what to do. I can’t go on like this. I really can’t, Miranda.”

“Have you thought about going back to therapy? Maybe it would work this time. They know how to deal with grief, they could help you cope.”

“Maybe.” He takes a long swig of beer and sighs. “Sorry.”

“Shut up, don’t apologize. That’s what friends are for.”

“Still, I didn’t want to spend the afternoon with you in a bad mood. I’ll be okay, I promise.”

A long moment of silence stretches between them before Kaidan sees the waiter approaching, dishes in hand. That provides him the opportunity to steer the conversation away from his depressive state. He genuinely likes hanging out with Miranda and they do have a decent time for the rest of lunch. When the check comes, she whips out her credit chit first.

“It’s fine, I got it this time,” she says, handing it over for the waiter to scan.

He reluctantly puts his own away. She paid last time, it was his turn. “Thanks.”

“Sure. Want to go shopping?”

“Yeah, I could use a new sweater.”

She laughs. “Fine, I could use a new pistol though.”

They leave the restaurant and head towards the stores. While they’re on the Presidium, they have an unspoken agreement not to explore the opposite side. It’s something Kaidan’s only mentioned a few times but she knows how much it affects him.

“Hey, let’s go in this store.”

He points to one with various clothing on metal mannequins in the windows and heads for it. Miranda makes it inside first. Before he enters the shop, a keeper scurries by. He finds himself watching it for a moment, remembering a time when he and Cal snuck through the Presidium and illegally scanned as many of the creatures as they could without getting caught.

_‘For science!’_

That’s what Shepard told the C-sec officer who eventually discovered them before he and Kaidan took off running, laughing when they finally lost the turian. The pair was still getting to know each other back then, developing a friendship that would end up budding into much more.

Miranda pokes her head out from the store, wondering what he’s doing, and sees where his gaze is. “I’m going to pick a sweater for you,” she says lightly.

That draws him out of his trance. “Heh, no thanks. You’ll pick something skin tight and I’m not sure I can pull that off.” He joins his friend in the store, glad he decided not to cancel their plans but still able to feel his grief lurking in the back of his mind like it has the last two years.


	2. Chapter 2

“Sir. Sir, I’m going to need you to sit up. You can’t lay here. Sir-”

“You can go, Janis. I’ll handle things from here.”

Kaidan barely hears the commotion going on outside his head. He doesn’t recognize the first voice but the second belongs to Commander Bailey. He’s pretty sure, at least. He doesn’t feel like moving his arm away from his eyes to check. His limbs feel like lead anyways, why waste the energy?

“Major Alenko,” Bailey says. “Can you hear me?”

He grunts, knowing this behavior is completely unbecoming of the second human spectre but not having the will to truly care.

“Come on, Major. Can you sit up?”

“No.”

“I can’t have people lying around the Presidium, not even spectres.”

Kaidan decides to push himself up, probably best not to cause a bigger scene. That will really drain the last dregs of his energy.

“Are you okay? Have you been drinking?”

The answer to both of those questions is no.

“I can call you a cab.”

“I’m not drunk,” Kaidan says. “I’m fine.”

“You know how it is. C-sec’s getting calls-”

“Yeah, no, give me a minute. I’ll get out of here.”

“Well...nothing wrong with sitting. I’ll get out of your hair now, Alenko.” Bailey looks him over one last time before walking away.

Kaidan ignores the people staring at him and shoves fingers through his hair in a half-assed attempt to straighten it out. He moves off the bench, not in the mood to listen to whispers about ‘lazy humans.’ It’s been a couple days since his lunch with Miranda and while he did have fun with her, his depression has come back in full force. 

He shouldn’t be here, he knows that. He’s torturing himself and the smart, responsible thing to do is to drag himself back to his apartment and try to forget the reason he’s even here.

He isn’t with friends this time, he isn’t passing by the stores to shop. Kaidan is about to purposely send himself spiraling even deeper into this hole. And why? Because he needs to go around the corner and see the VI in the shape of the man he still loves more than anything.

Sometimes he wonders why he doesn’t force the owner to shut it down permanently. It’s disrespectful, childish, and the only opportunity Kaidan has to see Cal’s face again.

It hurts to look at the holographic image, to hear the VI speaking in a voice that doesn’t belong to Shepard. Two years and it still hurts so much not to have Cal with him, laughing with him, cuddling in bed with him after an exhausting day of saving the galaxy. But ever since that first time seeing the VI after the Presidium was repaired, he can’t force himself to stop coming.

His breath hitches when he rounds the corner and sees the fake Cal standing a small distance away. Time always freezes whenever he stares at him. Seconds, minutes, he has no idea how long he spends standing there. He’s too busy getting lost in all the memories they created in such a short amount of time.

But it’s in these moments that Kaidan knows he should run away from the store and never look back. He knows he’ll never move on if he keeps putting himself through this.

Next time.

Next trip to the Citadel, he’ll never walk this way again. Next time, he’ll just take a fucking cab everywhere.

But _next time_ always turns into _one more time_.

And this time is no different. Kaidan stands at a distance but can still see the Shepard VI glancing around, occasionally spitting off a stupid line that the real Cal would never say. His unblinking eyes stare at the holograph, until they fill with tears and Kaidan thinks about the things he’s willing to do if it meant having Cal back in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers but the VI is too far away to hear his voice. He doesn’t know what he’s sorry for—maybe he’s just sorry for himself. He watches the VI’s mouth curl into a smile but it doesn’t bring joy to Kaidan at all. It just reminds him of the real smile he’ll never see again, of the lips he’ll never kiss again.

This was a mistake—it always is—and he should not have come here today. He forces himself to look away and then tries to escape. He narrowly dodges a line of volus behind him as he runs off but he doesn’t stop or try to apologize.

Kaidan doesn’t stop moving until he’s all the way back to his apartment. The curtains are drawn, his omni-tool is off, and he curls up in the darkness. He is mentally and emotionally exhausted but refuses to fall asleep, not wanting to be haunted by dreams (or would they be closer to nightmares?) about Cal.

~~~~~

When Kaidan wakes the next morning, he feels hungover. But not a drop of alcohol has entered his system since that day with Miranda. His hand fumbles around the nightstand until his fingers hit a water bottle he knows is there. He sits up a bit so he can take a drink. He sees an open bag of chips on the big bed so he grabs those too and starts eating.

‘Breakfast in bed,’ he thinks wryly.

He wipes his hands on the sheet when the bag is empty and checks the messages on his omni-tool. The first email he sees is about something about flags flying half mass and he’s just confused.

“Fucking spam,” he grumbles, wondering how they even got a hold of his email address.

He groans loudly at the next message though, wincing as the action makes his head twinge in pain. One of the admiral’s from the Alliance has sent him a message briefing him on a short mission on a small planet near the Citadel. He is to report to the embassies in a couple hours to get the full memo.

He decides to send a message to Miranda. The Alliance tells him it isn’t going to take long but he emails her to find out what her schedule is like.

‘I’m on the Presidium, let’s grab a late breakfast right now,’ she replies.

‘I just woke up,’ he tells her.

‘I’m rolling my eyes at you, Major.’

‘Sorry. When do you work?’

‘I’m going to one of the ward’s labs this afternoon. I’ll be there for the next couple weeks.’

Before he even has a chance to respond, she sends another email.

‘On my way to your apartment.’

He doesn’t bother arguing. Her mind is made up and she can be just as stubborn as Shepard. But he needs coffee immediately so he throws on a pair of shorts and drifts into the kitchen. Kaidan starts on his second cup when he hears the doorbell buzz. Without bothering to check the camera, he hits the button to slide it open.

Miranda raises an eyebrow when she takes in his appearance. She knows he just woke up but he still looks like a mess, and she suspects that he’s fallen into one of his episodes. It’s why she invited herself over. Kaidan’s her friend and she’s worried about him. She strides past him with a ‘good morning’ and asks if he has any food.

“I think so,” he says, which she notes isn’t said with any sarcasm.

“Go shower and shave and I’ll make us something to eat.”

He rubs at his chin, lips quirking into his first real smile in days. “What’s wrong with my scruff?”

“Nothing, lumberjack.”

“I was going to anyways. After I finished this coffee. Need some energy if they want me to head out today.”

“What’s the mission?” she asks as she wanders into the kitchen with him behind.

“Alliance wants me to go with a ship to transport cargo--weapons or parts, I think. Batarian pirates have been spotted in the area so they want me to make sure things go smoothly.”

“You’ll probably be back by tomorrow then.”

“Hopefully.” He swallows down the last bitter dregs of his mug and puts it in the sink. “Fine, I’ll take a shower and I guess I’ll shave too. Help yourself to whatever I have in here.”

Twenty minutes later, Kaidan emerges from the bedroom showered, shaved, and dressed. He sees Miranda loading food onto two plates and his stomach rumbles.

“When’s the last time you’ve eaten?” she asks curiously.

“I found some chips in my bed this morning.”

“Ugh, I hope you’re joking.”

“Heh.”

They both know he isn’t but he’s grateful Miranda doesn’t ask him anymore questions. They chat lightly. Kaidan tries to cover up his true mood with a smile and wonders if it’s working or if she decides not to bring it up. Probably the latter but whatever is fine with him.

“Thanks for breakfast,” he says, putting the dishes in the sink and knowing he probably won’t clean them later.

“No problem. When do you leave for the embassies?”

“Pretty soon.”

“Alright. I should head for the labs then. Be careful on your mission.”

“Yeah, I will. See you.”

He still has some time before he truly has to go but he spends it packing a small bag just in case they need to stay longer than planned. By the time he’s finished, he figures it’s time to go so he exits the apartment and types the code to lock it. The trip to the embassies is long enough for him to slip into the mask he’s been perfecting the last couple years. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps him from cracking. And right now, he needs it badly so he straightens out his posture, blocks out his thoughts, and walks proudly towards the Alliance offices to the job he no longer feels any pride over.

~~~~~

Kaidan keeps watch as workers transfer the cargo to Ruiz’s ship. The officer here says there’s already been two pirate attacks this week. The major wonders if they’re going to try for three. The captain walks over to him when it’s halfway done and they talk about Alliance things.

“Wait, did you hear that?” Kaidan interrupts. He pulls out his rifle as a small ship flies overhead. It disappears in the trees and all the workers scatter. Kaidan radios in on his headset while Ruiz shouts orders to her crew. There’s a large symbol painted on the foreign ship--the same one matching the previous two pirate ships.

Kaidan activates his biotic barrier and ducks for cover. For a few minutes, he thought this simple mission would actually go quickly. He rolls his eyes, barely hearing the shouts from this ragtag band of batarians. He still remembers how much Cal hated batarians--his experiences with most of them haven’t been good. Kaidan tried to convince him it was unfair to cast every batarian as bad but it was something he just couldn’t shake. A group of them murdered Cal’s closest friend ten years ago and it traumatized him so badly he blamed an entire race for it

“Major Alenko!” he hears then he realizes guns are firing. He berates himself for letting his mind drift. There’s a break in fire and he’s able to quickly scan the area. The aliens are trying to close in on the weapon supplies they’re supposed to bring to the Citadel. He sees one running towards the crates and shoots at them. He isn’t sure if his bullet or the captain’s kills the criminal.

He quickly charges towards a metal crate for better cover as more bullets whiz by him. His barrier breaks as he jumps behind it. This reminds him of another time, far away on an asteroid orbiting Terra Nova. Shepard chose to fight Charn and then Balak. Kaidan wishes they could’ve saved the hostages but Cal had to make a hard choice--and he chose to sacrifice a few hostages to capture a terrorist who threatened millions.

“To your right, Major!” someone shouts. He turns as a crew member shoots someone running towards Kaidan and he sees through his peripheral vision another pirate charging at him. But Kaidan isn’t in the right state of mind, he could’ve sworn that voice belonged to his Shepard.

“Cal!” he screams, trying to search for him, but then he yells for a different reason when a knife slices into his side. His biotics activate on instinct and he shoves the pirate before punching him hard enough to send him flying backwards. He’s bleeding now but it isn’t serious. He hears their back up arrive and it gives him the opportunity to duck down and apply medi-gel. The last thing he needs right now is an infection. As the others fight, he hesitates but then decides to stay down until it’s over. It’s not like they really need him to finish this fight, right?

It doesn’t take much longer before the gunfire stops and the radio crackles to life, someone confirming all the pirates are killed. Others scout the area and Kaidan tries to survey the damage.

No dead, a few wounded but they’ll live, and a third of the cargo ruined. Captain Ruiz approaches him, the look in her eyes telling him she noticed how distracted and sloppy he’d been.

Part of Kaidan doesn’t care but he still knows the Alliance will find this unacceptable. He just focuses on finishing up their job so they can get the hell off this planet and he can return to isolating himself from the galaxy.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyy. It's been like a year and a half since the last time I posted a chapter. Amazing

“What the hell happened out there, Alenko?” a tall woman, who is currently very angry at Kaidan, reprimands. She’d been promoted to admiral immediately following the war and she’s the one who Kaidan usually reports to on the Citadel for Alliance-related activities.

“Pirates attacked and-”

“I know that. I’ve seen the reports. You should’ve handled that blindfolded.”

“Mistakes happen-”

“A third of the cargo is missing or destroyed. Ruiz says for half the fight you weren’t even there. What do you have to say for yourself?”

He shrugged. “Nothing.”

The admiral actually looks stunned. He’s a major and a spectre, and here he is acting completely indifferent and unapologetic for what happened. It was a simple mission and Alenko has been through too much to have made such rookie mistakes.

“You’re dismissed. I’ll have another mission for you next week.”

He knows that’s code for ‘stay away until we come to you.’

_I fucked up, Cal. I fucked up._

_I fucked up and I don’t care._

Once Kaidan drags himself back to his apartment, no one sees him again for days.

~~~~~

Kaidan’s half-asleep. It’s the Citadel's equivalent to an afternoon and heavy curtains are drawn to keep the artificial sunlight out of his room. He just woke from a dream. All he remembers are glimpses of Cal.

In his daze, he’s almost able to convince himself Shepard is still around. He’s just...at the store, hanging with Garrus for a few hours, on a spectre mission. Maybe that’s all true--they never found a body after all. Kaidan can’t say why he’s worse off than usual. He always misses Cal. Always. But he doesn’t spend days holed up in his apartment--never leaving, eating, or showering. Not anymore. It’s been two years and here he is, still unable to control himself. He can usually work in peace, hang out with friends. Yeah, he has bad days but not episodes quite like this. Shepard’s...death anniversary passed a couple months ago. While the rest of the galaxy celebrated the end of the war, Kaidan and all of Shepard’s friends held a gathering of their own. Their own quiet mourning and celebration of Cal’s life.

Even then, Kaidan hadn’t broken down quite as hard. It’s like his lover refuses to leave his mind, stubbornly planting himself in Kaidan’s head and his heart. “You don’t have to do that, Cal,” he whispers. “You’ll always be there.”

He pushes himself up suddenly, the quick movement making him dizzy for just a moment. He sheds his dirty clothes and goes into the bathroom to shave then finally shower. He likes the water a little cooler, Shepard the opposite. It was an issue when they bathed together. Kaidan’s hand reaches for the knob then the spray of water turns hotter. Just a bit. A compromise. He lingers in there a little longer than usual, until he’s completely clean and has no more excuses to stay. He dries off, combs and styles his hair, gathers clothes from the closet and dresses. The curtains are open to shed light on the dark room.

He needs to eat. But he also needs groceries. Lunch at a restaurant then to the store. Then...something. Anything to get out of this apartment. Neither the Alliance nor the Council has contacted him yet. He’ll have to find his own ‘entertainment.’

Once he has real food in his stomach, Kaidan notices that he does feel a little better. He ordered a piece of chocolate cake for dessert and pays double the bill to tip the waiter. He can afford it. Later on, after a kitchen’s worth of groceries are bought and put away, Kaidan sits in the Presidium wondering where to go.

A sudden bout of anxiety hits him. _No._ His breath hitches. _One more time._ And that will be it, for real this time. Never again. His heart drops as he gets up. This is a bad idea. This has been an okay afternoon so far, why is he about to ruin that?

The VI always draws him like a magnet. It’s his addiction, his weakness. Again, he stands from a distance. Again, he watches as others ignore and walk past him. He stares long and hard at the VI. And then it stares back.

Kaidan’s eyes widen and the imitation Shepard doesn’t stop looking. His legs move forward. It’s a mistake but he’s no longer in control of himself. He drifts until he’s directly in front of the VI. He can almost pretend it’s Cal here, like when he would catch him looking with a smile and a glint in his eyes.

Kaidan’s hands tremble, his mouth goes dry, nothing exists beyond this version of Cal. He allows himself to see more than a programmed face and catchphrases. Shepard looks at him, captures him in his soft orbit like a planet to a star. Kaidan feels his hand rising but he forces it down. He can’t try to cup a stubbled cheek, can’t let himself break the illusion. His voice is quiet but he forces one word through his dry lips.

“Cal.”

And then Shepard’s gaze turns pained. _“Kaidan,”_ he whispers. _“Help me.”_

Kaidan jumps back. And then he runs. He doesn’t stop until he’s far, far away. That wasn’t real. That didn’t happen. He’s going fucking crazy, delusional. He misses Cal too much, is making things up in his head, is too overwhelmed by wishful thinking.

But the words were so clear, he heard Cal’s voice. He was asking for help. But help from what? Where is he? Is it...is it like last time? When Shepard was actually alive when presumed dead? Is he floating there in danger, only now able to send Kaidan a message?

“No,” he breathes harshly. He can’t think like this. It wasn’t real, he can’t let himself go down this destructive path. Never again. For the sake of his own sanity, he can never look at that VI ever again.

~~~~~

The Alliance finally contacts him. Admiral Poplawski tells him he better have his act together now that his ‘vacation’ is over. After returning from the Terminus Systems not too long ago, he’s now being sent to the Attican Traverse for a month. He’s grateful to get away from the Citadel. His focus will be on nothing but the mission, he refuses to botch this up too. He owes it to everyone to be the best spectre he can be.

During this month, he works himself to the bone. Unlike his time spent on Horizon, this colony doesn’t despise him. Still, he wouldn’t exactly call his reception warm. He’s doing similar things but for different reasons this time around. Many pirates scour this section of space, even moreso now that every species is still in recovery and only rationed resources are reserved for colonies. Kaidan is so tired at the end of each day that he falls right to sleep. He doesn’t dream at night.

But then there’s the incident just a few days before he returns to the Citadel.

He’s eating in the mess hall. Sometimes people sit with him, many times he sits alone. This time he isn’t alone for long. He’s replying to an email Garrus sent--he’ll be at the Citadel in a few weeks if Kaidan’s available to hang out. He looks up when a man, a few years younger than him, sits across from him. He’s an engineer, they’ve worked together fairly often.

“Evening, Spectre Alenko.”

“You don’t need to be so formal,” he says. “Just my name is fine.”

“As long as you call me by mine. You leave soon, don’t you?”

“In a few days. Then it’s back to Citadel space for me.”

“Ah, I’ll miss your presence around here.”

Kaidan laughs. “I, uh, think you’re the only one who will.”

He shrugs a shoulder. “A lot of people here respect you. You’ve helped us and...you did sort of help save an entire galaxy. It’s been good working with you these last few weeks.”

“Well, thanks. I feel the same about you.”

“Are you going to the Citadel itself?”

He takes a sip of water before answering. He doesn’t notice the way Engineer Lee stares as he licks his lips. “I am. That’s where I’m living right now. Then I’ll see what else the Alliance or Council needs.”

“You must lead a very busy life.”

Kaidan can’t just tell anyone how that isn’t quite true, how he spent half a week locked away in his bedroom right before this trip. “It can get hectic but that’s where we’re all at right now.” They’re both just about done with their meals now. The engineer gives him a small smile.

“I’m gonna go outside for a smoke. Care to join me?”

“Sure.” Kaidan hasn’t smoked in over fifteen years.

It’s a nice evening. This planet reminds him of Eden Prime...before everything that happened. He takes a cigarette when it’s offered and the other man lights them. Working together, they know a bit about each other’s lives. He knows Lee returned here with his brother after the war. It’s on the outskirts of Citadel territory. Dangerous in general but largely ignored by the reapers. Kaidan avoids talking about himself as much as possible. Mentions of the Normandy, a couple questions about the crew--one about Wrex and if all the stories about the krogans are true. But he never speaks about Shepard. It’s been quietly agreed amongst the colonists to never ask about him. His and Cal’s relationship was never a secret--quite the opposite. But no one breathes a word of it to Kaidan.

But he’s not thinking about that right now. He concentrates on what Lee is saying. He makes a joke and smiles as Kaidan laughs. The major looks down as he crushes the remains of his cigarette with his boot and when he looks back up, their eyes meet. It’s only then that he notices how closely they stand. Kaidan wants to say something or make some excuse to leave. But instead he lets the engineer lean in and kiss him. Lee’s lips feel good against his, a hand drifts to Kaidan’s waist and he likes that too. They’re a little more exposed than he would like though. Probably best to maintain _some_ form of professionalism with the others. Lee must think the same because in the next moment he’s asking, “Do you want to go back to my place?”

“Yeah,” he answers without thought. It’s a short walk but it’s enough for his heart to start pounding. As soon as the door closes, he’s being kissed again. Kaidan grabs him by the hips then lets his mouth drift down until he’s kissing along his neck. If he can just get this damn shirt off then he can tease the spot right above his collarbone, the place Cal is so sensitive-

Cal.

Kaidan’s vision blurs and then he’s suddenly standing in front of Cal. They’re staring at each other and then Cal’s desperately begging for help and asking why Kaidan isn’t answering his pleas.

He’s ripped from the moment and he has to push away from the engineer. “I-I can’t,” he stammers. “I’m sorry. I just, I have to go.”

Lee is shocked and simply says, “Uh, okay.”

And then Kaidan bolts. He walks very briskly to his temporary quarters so not to cause a scene. But as soon as that door closes, he throws himself onto the bed and loses himself to the guilt. How can he possibly sleep with someone else right now? He’s been doing okay lately but it’s at the expense of shoving Cal completely out of his mind. He keeps playing that scene in the Presidium over and over in his head and the more he does, the more he convinces himself that the VI truly spoke to him.

He knows how it sounds but what if Cal really does need help, what if he really did send a message? And here he is about to fuck some other guy. He’s ignoring everything, not making any effort to discover the truth.

Kaidan closes his eyes as he starts crying. All he can see are images of Cal hurt and broken and alone, of him begging for Kaidan’s help only to be ignored. Is it better to think about Cal being alive but in desperate need of help or to think about him being gone forever? This fucks up the rest of his days on the colony. He and Lee don’t speak again.

The day Kaidan finally goes home for the first time in over a month, he drops his belongings and aims straight for the couch. He falls asleep and doesn’t move for the next eleven hours.

He leaves his apartment but refuses to go to _that_ part of the Presidium. However, a few days later, he takes Miranda’s advice from all those weeks ago and books an appointment with a therapist. He can’t deny how bad off he still is. If he’s going to start hallucinating--though his mind is no longer fully convinced it was made up--then he needs to see a professional before it gets worse. Maybe therapy will work this time...

“Fuck,” he mutters to himself. The asari sitting on the bench across from him looks over before getting up.

The appointment is only a couple days away. He can’t let himself back out of it. He has to stop this before he falls any deeper.


	4. Chapter 4

Kaidan leaves his first therapy session feeling numb. He talked about the battle in London, how he was injured and had to be left behind, how Shepard made it to the beam but never came back. Everyone knows the story but she said, “You have a unique perspective on what happened.” He doesn’t remember everything he said in there.

He knows his schedule won’t allow him to go every week but they’re willing to fit him in on short notice. Therapy...his perk to being a spectre.

He stays away from the shop for weeks. He’s terrified--what if the VI is gone? What will he do then? What if it talks to him again? What the hell will he do?

“He already died once,” Kaidan says at his second session. “A few weeks after Saren was defeated. The Alliance tried to play it down but...he was gone. I left him onboard the Normandy. He ordered me to go and I went despite my instincts screaming not to abandon him.”

“But it turns out he survived that.”

He nods, eyes focused on a spot on the ground. “Sort of. Cerberus saved him, the only thing I’ll ever be grateful to them for. When I saw him again, I...I don’t know. We-we made peace with what happened on Horizon. And then I left him a third time. We should’ve ran to that beam together. I could’ve helped him and he could still be alive. Instead I let him die twice.”

There’s no way to repair the guilt in his heart. Three times. And now he’s doing it again, ignoring the message-

Kaidan leaves that particular session very angry.

~~~~~

He’s sent on another small mission. A quick run to a tiny mining facility, no more than three hundred people living on this particular hunk of rock. He still feels angry--mostly at himself, partly at his therapist for making him think about this even more. As a result, he’s snappy with the workers and generally not the warm, helpful spectre he usually wants to be.

He fucked up the mission with Captain Ruiz and the batarian pirates. He did well with the month-long mission to upgrade the colony’s defenses. He feels himself making mistakes right now as he tries to repair the glitched power systems of the housing and mining facilities. But part of him doesn’t care because his mind is focused elsewhere. It isn’t as if they’re in any actual danger from the planet’s nitrogen-methane atmosphere. It’s more of a minor inconvenience at this point, more than these two generators keep the place running. At least he’s alone and able to work in peace. This requires him to be outside. That’s the reason he volunteered.

He isn’t sure what to do or how to feel. All he knows is that he misses Cal so much and he just wants the other man back in his arms.

A loud alarm goes off throughout the entire complex and he can see red lights flashing. He sighs from within his suit and rewires the bit he just messed up. But when the alarms don’t shut down, he starts to worry. He tries to work backwards and undo the repairs but his brain has been on autopilot. He steps back and searches for the issue then sees another space suit running towards him.

“People start to worry quick,” the technician says, her tone giving away how annoyed she is with him. She fixes it and then they finish the repairs together. The whir of the generators tells them the power is fully restored. She glances at him before turning around and heading back to the entrance. He runs to catch up, wanting nothing more than to get off this goddamn rock. Though he doesn’t look forward to facing the admiral who’s going to be pissed at him.

~~~~~

“You know what I’m going to say.”

He nods at the admiral. Yes, he does. “I do.”

“You’re making a lot of mistakes, Alenko. Eventually, it’s going to be a big one.”

“It was a minor slip up.”

“And what if it wasn’t, dammit? What if that was their oxygen supply? Or temperature control? You’re the only human spectre yet the Alliance can’t rely on you for even the simplest missions!”

He cringes when she says the _only_ human spectre. He cares more about that than being in trouble and wants to scream that he isn’t the only one, that Shepard is out there somewhere. They talk a few minutes longer--meaning she reprimands him while he stays mostly quiet. Kaidan has other, more important things to worry about.

~~~~~

‘Wanna go to the Arena?’

Kaidan responds to Miranda’s message in the affirmative. He certainly has some free time since the incident with the miners. The two friends haven’t seen each other since breakfast at his place. That mornings seems like a lifetime ago. When they meet, he lets her choose the settings as he suits up. All the old records were wiped. The current highest score is 9,143 and the name next to it sounds volus. He remembers the times he and Cal spent here. They nearly broke the software since at the time it couldn’t register five digit scores.

They went here, to dinner at the noodle shop, the arcade. They’d gotten each other’s names tattooed and picked out rings together. That ring and its silver chain sit carefully with the rest of his things in a locker.

Miranda walks past him and bumps his hip. “Come on!”

“Wait, what settings did you choose?” he asks, running to catch up in the elevator.

“They’re trying to cycle in new opponents. I chose mirror mode though. It’ll be a nice challenge. In the Pain Train.”

“Ugh, no, you know I hate that one.”

She laughs. “That’s why I chose it. Now get out there, Spectre.”

9,538.

“That damn machine is broken,” Miranda complains as they walk out of the locker room.

“Yeah, there’s no way we didn’t get ten thousand. At least we beat the volus.”

“A consolation prize.” They go across the floor to buy food. Kaidan gets a pizza and soda. “You’ve been quiet today,” Miranda points out.

“Am I? Sorry, didn’t notice.”

She rolls her eyes. “How’s work been?”

“I’ve been busy enough. Nothing too big since I came back from the traverse...”

“You look like you have something to say.”

“There was this guy there, an engineer I worked with. A few days before I left...he made a move on me. And I went back to his place but I just couldn’t go through with it.” He whispers the last part.

“Kaidan...”

“I still feel so guilty.” The VI incident burns on the tip of his tongue. But he holds that part back. “I-I took your advice when I came home. I’ve been going to therapy.” If she wants to say something about him not telling her sooner, she doesn’t mention it.

“I’m glad you’re giving it another shot. How do you think it’s going?”

He shrugs and stuffs his mouth with pizza to give himself an extra moment to answer. “I don’t know. We talk about the guilt I feel about his death. Both of them. I...I’ve been thinking it might be best for now if I don’t leave the Citadel for more than a week at a time. To have regular sessions.”

“That’s probably for the best, for right now anyways. Do you think you’ve been starting to work through it?”

“I...you know, every time I think I am, something comes up and I just...it’s hard to feel like I’m...what? Making progress? Is that what I’m supposed to be doing?” Cal is being exceptionally stubborn lately in how he refuses to leave Kaidan’s mind. “I do think this therapist is better than the others. I’m going to keep her.” He cycled through plenty in the early days.

“I know it hurts. The fact you’re even able to talk like this shows improvement.”

He nods. He has another session in a couple days. He knows what he needs to bring up.

~~~~~

“I can’t stop thinking about the VI.”

“What VI do you mean?”

“Some shop here has this VI of Cal. He doesn’t sell them. Just keeps it in ‘remembrance’ or whatever. I walk by it sometimes, watch it. It doesn’t sound like him.” Except that one time when it did. “It doesn’t quite look like him either. It’s missing the scars and the tattoos. And his hair isn’t styled right. He let it grow out a bit when he was with Cerberus. Kept it that way after too. He loved when I ran my hands through it.” He can almost feel the soft strands between his fingers.

“How do you feel when you see the VI?”

“Terrible. I can’t stop looking at it completely but it’s been a while since the last time.”

“Why is that?”

“I-I had a bad experience last time. Before I was shipped off to the traverse.”

“What sort of bad experience?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he says quickly. He can’t say what happened that day. He’ll be overwhelmed with guilt. His therapist suggests getting the VI removed but there’s no way he can do that. The session ends and Kaidan spends the night dreaming about the way he used to kiss each of Cal’s scars and tattoos.

The more sessions he goes to, the more he’s able to convince himself it was the enormous amount of guilt he carries that made him hallucinate that day. He hangs out with friends, takes a mission requiring him to leave the Citadel for over two weeks. Something always lingers but he wonders if he’s starting to accept that Cal is gone.

He’s getting ready to shower one morning. He unhooks the clasp of his chain to put it on the nightstand. And then he drops it.

“No!” He tries to catch it but only grasps the chain. He watches in slow motion as his ring falls to the floor and rolls under the bed. He immediately drops to his knees and looks underneath. The ring is blocked from rolling any farther because of a box.

The box of Cal’s things he keeps hidden away. It can’t haunt him if it’s out of sight. He grabs the ring and pulls the box out with it. He clutches the piece of jewelry as he sorts through the other things. Numerous pictures of them together. Remnants of their shore leave on the Silversun Strip--the volus plushie Cal won for him at the arcade, a few gold tokens from when they scored 9,999 points at the combat arena. A couple model ships he liked to build to keep his hands busy. His t-shirt with a dancing hanar on it--not Blasto, he had insisted. _‘Fuck that stupid jellyfish.’_ Kaidan keeps a picture of Cal’s best friend Ryan in there too. He has to stop, he can’t look anymore.

He slouches back against the bed, box next to him, shower running. He stares at the wall for a long time. He knows he can’t keep doing this, knows what he needs to do. Kaidan needs to confront that VI.

His shower takes a long time. As he dresses, he stares at the box. Then he snatches his ring off the nightstand and slides it on his finger. He leaves his room and leaves the box on the floor. It’s a long trek through the Presidium and a war rages inside Kaidan. This is it. This is the last time. He’ll make peace with this. Move on. His heart thumps at the thought. He has to do this. He needs to prove to himself that the VI is just that--a VI, not some secret message, just wishful thinking that his boyfriend is still alive.

He takes a deep breath and steels himself, then charges through until he reaches his destination.

There he is, at home in front of the shop. The things he’d do to have the real Cal...

But the real Cal lives only in his memories now. “You’re not him,” he whispers.

The VI looks at him.

Kaidan quickly looks around but no one else seems to notice. He carefully walks forward. Step by slow, hesitant step. How can nobody else see this? This has to be some sort of glitch. His brain latches onto that rationalization.

“Why are you doing this?” Now will anyone notice? Will they wonder why Spectre Alenko is talking to the ghost of his dead lover?

_“Kaidan.”_

No. No, no, no.

_“Kaidan. Please.”_

His voice. This is Cal’s voice. This isn’t a program.

_“You need-”_

Shepard’s voice distorts. Then he flickers and is gone.

“Cal!” he screams. This time people do look. He turns around and sees them staring at him. The shop owner starts making his way over too. Kaidan panics and quickly walks away. He wants to glance back at Cal but he doesn’t dare. He’s sure that was his voice. Kaidan could never forget the sound. But what was he about to say?

_What were you trying to tell me, Cal? What do I need to do to find you?_

Kaidan doesn’t stop walking until he’s in the wards, where no witnesses have followed. He’s torn about what to do.

_You’re crazy._

_You’re hallucinating._

“But what if I’m not...?” he whispers.

Where could Cal possibly be? How?

Kaidan’s eyes dart around the hall. He watches a human walk by a small group and swipe something from one of their pockets. “Hey!” the asari shouts as the person runs but Kaidan’s already on it. The guy is young and it isn’t difficult to catch up to the teen.

“Gimme,” he says, hand outstretched as he turns the boy around.

The thief drops a credit chit as the asari approaches. “Thanks for the help with this little thief.” She looks at him in disgust.

“No problem. I’ll take care of it from here.” Once she leaves, he directs him around the corner. “You really need to take better stock of your surroundings, kid.” He doesn’t actually look anything like Cal but he reminds Kaidan of the stories Shepard used to tell about his life. His past, the living he made as a teenager as a thief for the Reds. “Are you hungry?”

The kid looks surprised. “N-no, I...I have enough money. Am I in trouble?” He sounds scared. Kaidan guesses it’s not every day one gets caught by a spectre.

He looks the teen over. Maybe he’s a boy with somewhere to go, thieving only because he’s bored and not out of necessity. He doesn’t seem like a threat. “No, just go. Don’t let me catch you again.”

He nods then runs, as if Kaidan might change his mind. ‘Give the young thief a chance,’ like how Ryan did with Cal. Kaidan drifts through the wards after the incident, until he reaches the front of a club. Music thumps and he can feel it in his head. He keeps walking.

And he walks.

Then he walks some more.

He walks until he doesn’t recognize where he is. Even he hasn’t explored the entire Citadel. He sits on an empty bench and watches cars drive by. Cal never actually got his real license, Kaidan thought he was joking when he said so in the mako. He soon found out it wasn’t a joke.

The Citadel really is a great place. He kind of loves it, that’s why he chooses to live here instead of Earth or another planet. He isn’t sure how long he sits there and watches the bustling crowds around him, but eventually he gets up and leaves.

~~~~~

“The VI talked.”

The therapist leans forward the smallest bit. “You’ve mentioned that it says catchphrases.”

“No, I mean he talked to me.”

“What did he say?”

“It's happened a couple times now. He's asking for my help.”

“Cal is?”

“Yes. The first time was before I went to the Attican Traverse. But I didn't go back until recently. I know that was his voice. He looked right at me and asked for my help.” Now that Kaidan has spoken the words aloud, he can't stop himself. “He's somewhere out there in trouble. I need to inform the Council.”

The session ends with his therapist suggesting he take a leave of absence. “To go visit your friends, visit your mom on Earth.”

“What? I can’t do that. I need to tell the Council what’s going on.” He leaves before she can say anything more about it. He pops up his omni-tool and sends a message. As soon as he leaves the building, he gets a reply. The Council will see him in an hour. He nods to himself and walks off. There’s one place he needs to go first, he needs to check again. He needs to find out what Cal was trying to say.

Three times will be irrefutable. And maybe he’ll get a location. But he has to be careful, can’t draw too much attention like last time. He slows as he approaches the usual line of shops. When Shepard’s store is close, he glances around. No one pays attention to him. Perfect.

He brings up his omni-tool again. Not only can he pretend he’s taking a call, he can record this. Then they’ll have no choice but to believe him--the proof is right here. “Cal,” he whispers next to the VI. “Cal, I need you to tell me where you are.” Shepard’s eyes are focused on passersby. “Come on, Cal. I know you can do it, babe.”

Silence. But then-

_“Kay, they know! I’m in-”_

That statement is louder and more frantic than any other message. Fear grips his heart. “Who?!” he shouts. “Where are you?”

There is no answer. A high-pitched noise pierces his ears and he swears they’re bleeding. Cal flickers over and over until he short-circuits and disappears. Kaidan’s eyes widen and for a moment, it feels like Shepard’s died all over again. The owner runs out and immediately looks at Kaidan. “You again? What’d you do to it?”

“Nothing! It shorted out by itself. Can you fix it?” He tries to remain calm.

“It’s not high on my priorities. I’ve got a whole line of customers waiting.”

He wants to order him to repair it but knows he shouldn’t cause another scene. At least he has his recording, that’s enough. He leaves without another word. He doesn’t need the VI, he’ll be looking for the real Cal soon enough.

~~~~~

“Shepard is alive.”

The councilors look at each other. “Spectre Alenko, Shepard was declared killed-in-action after saving the galaxy.”

“You were wrong the last time you said that.”

“A miraculous exception. The chance of it happening twice just isn’t realistic. We’re not going to commit more resources to confirm what we already know to be true. There’s no proof-”

“Yes, there is. In the Presidium, the Shepard VI, he talked to me. I know how it sounds! But it was Cal sending me a message! Listen.” He brings up his omni-tool and plays the audio clip.

_“Cal. Cal, I need you to tell me where you are.”_

_“Come on, Cal. I know you can do it, babe.”_

_Static takes over the recording. Then, “Kay, they know! I’m in-”_

_More static, a high-pitched screech, and then silence._

“I know it’s brief,” Kaidan says. “But that’s obviously Shepard’s voice. We all know VI’s never actually sound accurate. I don’t know who ‘they’ are but he’s asking for my help. They stopped him before he could tell me his location.”

“Spectre, if you’ll give us a moment.”

Maybe they’re deciding the best course of action, if they should send only Kaidan or multiple teams. He waits eagerly as the councilors break apart.

“Surely, you have to understand. A few words full of static is not real proof. We will look into it. However, you’re still dealing with a lot of grief. Understandably so. We believe it’s clouded your judgment, otherwise you’d see what we see.”

“What? I’m a spectre, how can you not believe me? I know what I heard. You think I didn’t question this myself?”

“Again, try to understand it from our point of view.”

“I understand that after everything that’s happened, the Council still hasn’t changed. But fine, I’ll do this myself. I came here to ask for help but I don’t need permission.” He turns around and angrily starts walking away.

“Alenko, I suggest you continue with your therapy. Dr Hernandez is one of the best on the Citadel.”

He spins around. “How do you know who I’m seeing? That’s private-”

“After the incident with Saren, we like to keep a couple extra tabs on spectres. Nothing serious and you all have the same freedom as before. We just don’t want your work to suffer.”

“My work,” he grinds out, “has not suffered at all.”

“On the contrary, mistakes have been made during past missions. The Council cannot force you to do anything, however, we strongly suggest that you consider our words.”

After he leaves the chamber, he does consider their words and considers them to be garbage. But the thought does linger in his head, even now--what if none of his VI interactions really did happen? The Council doubting him only reawakens the doubts within himself. But he has to stay strong, he should’ve expected this to be an uphill battle.

He stands there alone for a minute, fingers tapping against his thigh, before he goes to the nearest cab rental. He needs to see Admiral Poplawski and submit the paperwork for a leave of absence.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used to put author's notes at the beginning of like, all my fics on ffnet. It was probably annoying lol. If you're reading this, thank you. If you've commented, I love you

He’s been pacing around his apartment all morning. A few days have passed since his leave went through. When he left the office, Garrus sent him a message.

‘Drinks on the Citadel at the end of the week?’

On a whim, Kaidan messaged Miranda and said he wanted her there too. When he discovered she was on Luna, he added, ‘It’s kind of urgent.’ She promised to be there.

Garrus was one of Shepard’s best friends, Miranda literally brought Cal back from the dead. They have to believe him. Of course they’ll want to help. But he’s nervous. What if even they doubt him? There’s only so much he can do alone. But no matter what, he will fight through anything for Cal. His next therapy session is a couple days before their meeting. Maybe she can help alleviate his stress.

“I talked to the Council last week,” he tells her, though he has a feeling she already knows.

“And what did you tell them?”

“That Cal’s alive. After I left here last week, I talked to him and recorded it. But they refused to listen! They said they’d look into it but they’re just placating me. The VI’s gone. I keep walking by the shop every day but he’s not there anymore. He said ‘they know’ and then our connection was cut. He was just about to tell me where he is. Wherever that is, he’s in a lot of danger.”

“Kaidan, the Council did investigate. They asked me to speak to you about it.” He sits up straighter, eagerly. “A forewarning--I’m not sure you’re going to like this. They did visit the shop. They did talk to the owner and he was able to fix the VI. But there was nothing to indicate any tampering or that it was anything more than a simple VI. They did ask their contacts for anything useful or relevant but there’s nothing. Kaidan, I still suggest that you take a leave of absence, continue your treatment, visit your family.”

“I filed the paperwork with the Alliance last week.”

“Oh, I was unaware.”

“If the Council won’t help then that means I’m on my own. Wouldn’t be the first time they’ve left us out to dry.”

“I know you still hold a lot of grief and that it’s interfered with your day-to-day life. This is only a suggestion of course, but perhaps you’d like to consider checking yourself into a temporary facility? I can refer you to the best ones here or on Earth. I know you’ve made an attempt on your life in the past-”

“That was a long time ago,” he angrily interrupts. “Barely a couple months after everything. Why does everyone try to imply that I’m unfit for duty? I’ve never had a clearer mind. I-I know he’s out there. I know that...I heard his voice...” He looks down at his hands. What would Cal do in this situation? Would he doubt himself so much? Would he think himself crazy? Kaidan knows that answer. Yes, he’d think himself nuts. And then they would push through it and get the job done together.

_Help me push through this, Cal._

“I think it’s best if I stop coming here.”

She doesn’t look surprised. “Okay, if that’s what you think is best. But if you ever change your mind or want help finding a different therapist, you’re welcome to contact me.”

He stands. “Thanks. I do think I’m better off now than when I started.”

He wastes no time returning to his apartment. How dare she bring his suicide attempt up? It was over two years ago, not a recent event. He needs to talk to his friends and listen to what they have to say. Kaidan doesn’t want to think about the fact that they might not tell him what he wants to hear.

~~~~~

A ping.

Kaidan groggily opens the message. He barely ate yesterday and a lot of this morning was spent asleep. But now the Council is disturbing his nap and saying they have an urgent message. Unless it’s to apologize and send out search parties, he doesn’t care. But he dresses quickly anyways and leaves.

“It’s come to our attention that you’ve taken a leave of absence.”

He sneers. “Did my therapist tell you that? It’s a real breech of privacy.”

“We’ve already discussed that matter. But no, the Alliance informed us. Your therapist did, however, let us know you’re no longer receiving professional help.”

“I don’t need grief counseling, Cal’s alive.”

“So you keep saying. But there is no evidence to support such a wild claim--besides a VI only you’ve spoken to. Again, we understand the relationship you and the commander shared but the fact you’re still clinging on to this ideal is beginning to become alarming. You’re supposed to be protecting the galaxy, Alenko. You are the only spectre humanity has left-”

“No, I’m not!” he screams. “I’m not the only one! You’re wrong and I’m going to find him. The old Council made him a spectre and fought against him at every turn. And then you continued to do the same thing and put billions at risk. Now it’s happening again. But we didn’t need you back then and we don’t need you now. I can see this isn’t the meeting I hoped for. I’m done here.”

“Your behavior is unbecoming and erratic. Spectre Alenko, the reason we summoned you here is to inform you of the decision we’ve made. You are hereby ordered to remain on the Citadel and continue your treatment. Your position allows you a lot of freedom and in exchange, you’re expected to use it for the betterment of the galaxy. And we believe it’s in the galaxy’s best interest for you to remain here for the time being.”

“Y-you’re keeping me prisoner? Like what the Alliance did to him too? You can’t do that!”

“Of course you’re not a prisoner. No one will be keeping watch over you and you’re able to do everything you do now. Think of it as an...extended leave of absence.”

He can only look at them stunned for a moment. “...Fuck you.”

He storms away without another word and they let him go. He isn’t erratic or delusional or lying. Kaidan looks down at the ring on his finger. Only one more day before he sees Garrus and Miranda. He can wait and he hopes Cal can too.

~~~~~

A somber cloud hangs over the table Kaidan sits at. He’s chosen one in the corner, the least likely place to be overheard. The others walk in together and he waves them over. “Hey, you two,” he greets when they’re close enough. They all order drinks and Kaidan waits until they arrive before diving into the issue.

Miranda beats him to the punch though. “What’s wrong?” She and Garrus are both staring hard at him.

“I...the Council has confined me to the Citadel.”

“Wait, what? You’re a spectre. Why would they do that?” Garrus asks.

He looks between them. His stomach hurts and his legs shake. “Because I think Cal’s alive,” he blurts. He doesn’t miss the way their expressions change. “Look, I know. Just let me explain. You...you both know about the VI. Miranda, after I came back from the Terminus Systems, I went to see the VI. Like I have...many times. But when I was standing there, he looked at me. It wasn’t just one of those dumb phrases he rattled off. We made eye contact and then, and then he said my name and told me to help him.” Kaidan’s eyes water and he can’t look up from the table. “I didn’t go back for a long time. I was scared. Afraid that...I was losing my mind. That’s why I started going to therapy again. When I finally went back, he got cut off. Said I needed to do something but I don’t know what. So I decided to tell the Council, in hopes that they’d help me search. Before I went, I wanted to talk to Cal again, make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I recorded it but they didn’t believe me. Listen to it. I know it’s distorted but-” He plays the clip from his omni-tool. He’s sure his heart is about to pop out of his chest and flop right onto the table.

_‘Kay, they know! I’m in-’_

“VI’s,” he says, “they never sound like the person...”

The silence feels like a lifetime. Garrus is the first to speak. “I’d know that voice anywhere,” he whispers. Shepard was his best friend, how could he ever forget? “Kaidan. I, I want him to be alive too. There really is no Shepard without Vakarian...”

“I know how crazy it sounds. I know how _I_ sound. But if this was somehow, I don’t know, just in my head, wouldn’t I have made this up two years ago? When the grief was even worse? When I...tried to end my life. I’ve been looking at that VI since the Presidium was repaired, this has only happened recently and I’m terrified. What if Cal really is out there and he’s been in danger this entire time? Isn’t searching for him worth a shot? Doesn’t the galaxy owe him that?” He can’t quite tell what they’re thinking. They look upset. “If anyone can defy the odds, survive anything, we know it’s Cal.”

Garrus leans back and eyes the wall for a few moments. Miranda glances at him before they both look at Kaidan. “We’ll need to find a way to sneak you off the Citadel,” she says.

“Just like the old days when we were stealing back the Normandy,” Garrus adds.

Tears fall down his face. Someone actually believes him.

“What’s our first step?” Miranda asks.

“I-I don’t know. I wasn’t sure I’d get this far. Everyone’s telling me I’m overwhelmed with guilt. And of course I miss him. But I know what I heard.” He knocks back his drink, wanting another. “I have no idea where to start.”

“What if we ask Edi?” Garrus suggests. “Maybe there’s a signal she can trace.”

“Where is she? I’ve been a bit out of the loop.”

Miranda answers. “She and Joker have recently been transferred. They are now under the command of one James Vega.”

“Really? Huh. We need to contact them all then. Or one of you needs to. The Council will immediately know what I’m doing.”

Garrus nods. “Best if I do it since we’ve served together. No offense, Miranda.”

“None taken. I should work on back up transportation just in case.”

“Thank you,” Kaidan says quietly.

“We trust you. We all know how wrong the Council’s been before. We’ll meet back at your apartment tomorrow.”

“I’ll go try to contact Vega now. See you.”

“Do you really believe me?” he asks Miranda when they’re alone. “Or are you two just humoring me?”

“I do believe you, Kaidan. If we don’t find anything then at least we made sure. And if he is out there, we’ll save him.”

Kaidan sits back in his chair. They’ll save him, they have to.

~~~~~

Garrus is the first to call. “Vega’s on Earth. I told him it was an emergency about Shepard, that we may have found new information. And that he can’t mention it to anyone.”

“I can’t imagine how that conversation went. Is he on his way?”

“Yeah. That’s easier than sneaking you to Earth and getting caught.”

“Heh, good call.” He sees a message from Miranda appear too. “Okay, Miranda’s on her way over. When will James be here?”

“Wasn’t too specific. End of the week maybe. I also got a hold of some old friends.”

“Who?” They do need all the help they can get.

“Liara--y’know, the person who knows every single thing in the galaxy. And Chakwas--the best doctor around who can patch Shepard up when we find him.”

“They actually agreed?”

“They’re willing to do anything for him. But Chakwas-”

“What? Where’s she stationed? On another ship?”

“No. Back in a medical lab on Mars.”

“Huh. Must not be too happy about that.”

“I imagine not. She was hoping you could use your pull as a spectre to get her out of there and over here. It’d be the quickest way.”

“The Council didn’t revoke my status, as far as I know. I should be able to.” He’ll just say she’s needed for a secret spectre mission. Word hasn’t gotten out about his containment so she can come without issue or suspicion. Kaidan will get on it right now, Cal can’t afford for them to waste anymore time.

It takes a full week for Vega to arrive. In that time, both Liara and Dr Chakwas make it to the Citadel. Kaidan can tell they’re both concerned about him and glad to see him. He tells himself that nobody would go through all this if they truly didn’t have some hope. But he knows the plan isn’t much to go off. They have no real way to search for Cal, just some VI remnants. Kaidan remains on edge the entire week. When Garrus finally receives the message from James, they travel to the docks immediately.

“Well, look at you, Vega,” Garrus says when he comes off board. “They gave you a ship. Not as impressive as the Normandy but...”

“Hell, even I know better than to argue with that. So there’s some secret info, right? Come on.”

They speak of nothing important until James leads them to the shuttle bay where the others are waiting. Cortez, Joker, and Edi are there and he can’t deny the warmth he feels being surrounded by so many of his friends. They’ve been through hell and back together. They won a war together. And he desperately hopes they’re up for one last mission.

“Look,” Kaidan says right away. “I know this will sound absolutely nuts but hear me out.” He explains the entire situation, with Garrus and Miranda voicing their support. He knows everyone will be skeptical but if James refuses to search...

“I think it’s worth a shot,” Cortez says. “Let’s be honest, him somehow being alive wouldn’t be all that surprising.”

“Kaidan, the odds are low,” Edi tells him truthfully, “but not impossible. I...recommend we search with haste.”

“If she says there’s a chance then I agree. I watched him get spaced. And then I saw him come back.”

Only James remains. His eyes bore into Kaidan. “Vega...”

“The Alliance really isn’t going to appreciate one of their ships going MIA with a detained spectre onboard. The Council either.”

“I know. That’s why I can’t ask anyone else. What if he’s out there? What if...” His eyes genuinely fill with tears. “What if he’s hurt? For over two years he...” He has to turn away. This is too much. Maybe he really is losing his mind. A hand touches his shoulder. He’s surprised to see it’s Garrus’.

“Turn around, Kaidan. It’s alright.”

He takes a deep breath and steels himself. When he does turn, he meets James square in the eye.

“You truly believe he’s out there?”

“Yes, I do. This isn’t just my grief talking. Isn’t Cal worth the risk?”

A tense moment of silence before, “Yes, he is. We’ll leave tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” he whispers. “Like I said, the VI was destroyed but maybe Edi can somehow track a signal.”

“Has the Council been keeping watch over your behavior?” Edi asks.

“They said they aren’t but I don’t believe them.”

“We should go to the shop during the night cycle. Less chance of being seen.”

“After that, we’ll need to leave quickly,” James says. “If the Council finds out you’re down there, it’ll be that much harder to get you out. In the meantime, I need to talk to my crew and get supplies.”

“It’s better for only a few people to go tonight,” Liara says. “Kaidan and Edi, of course.”

“I’ll drive them there,” Garrus offers. “And keep watch.”

Everyone goes where they need to when the conversation is over. Kaidan’s left to pack his belongings, not knowing when--or if--he’ll be back. The box of Cal’s things kept under his bed is dragged out. He places a kiss on top of it and carries it after shouldering his pack. He takes one last look around the apartment that’s been his empty home for two years, and he’s gone.

~~~~~

Everything is ready. James’ ship is fueled and supplied and everything is onboard. They still have no idea if anyone is actually watching Kaidan. Regardless, he wonders how long it will take before his absence is noticed.

As Garrus drives them to the shop, Kaidan thinks about what he’s about to do. He’s soon going to escape the Citadel, Vega is quite possibly jeopardizing his career for something Kaidan isn’t sure the man believes in. Everyone is simply putting their trust in him...like they all did for Shepard. Something like this would’ve terrified Kaidan six, seven years ago. But Cal showed him that sometimes it’s necessary to defy orders. The galaxy would have been harvested if not for Cal standing by his decisions. And now Kaidan has to do the same. His instincts tell him this is the right choice.

“Approaching now,” Garrus announces. “You two ready?”

When Edi says yes, he agrees. They park and when the door opens, they jump out. Kaidan’s heart races. What if she finds nothing? What if the VI never actually existed and this is all just an elaborate nightmare? She’s quiet and each second that ticks by crushes him more and more.

It’s impossible to search every star system, every planet. What other way-

“There’s a faint signal.”

His eyes widen. “There is? Where’s the source coming from?”

“It’s being distorted. There’s something odd about it.”

“So there’s no location...”

“It seems to be from somewhere in the Terminus Systems, I can show you the relevant areas once we return to the ship. Further than that, I’m sorry.”

Kaidan’s chest hurts. “Okay...we’ll figure it out. Thank you.” He’s slow to return to the skycar and Edi explains the results to Garrus.”

“It’s a start,” he says, driving well above the speed limit. “There wouldn’t be a signal if there wasn’t something out there.” He glances at his friend. “We’ll find him.”

He nods. He can’t doubt, he can’t waver. Cal and Kaidan stood by each other’s side through hell and hard decisions during the war. When he closes his eyes, he can feel Cal standing by him once again.

~~~~~

On the map, Edi lights up the possible locations but it’s a large area. “Do we know anything about who has him? Why?” James asks.

“No. Cal had a lot of enemies. Edi, can you highlight the clusters the Normandy has been to?” Is he in any of these? Or is he trapped somewhere completely hidden, on a rogue planet dark and without a star to light the way? He stares and stares. Cortez comes up behind him. “Where he could he be?” They’ve traveled to many places and these small blots of light hold a lot of memories.

Far Rim and the Perseus Veil aren’t too far off the boundaries. There’s the Shadow Sea. He grimaces. First Horizon, then Sanctuary. At the edge of the highlighted area is Sigurd’s Cradle and the Omega Nebula. Sigurd’s Cradle. Numerous star systems but one in particular that nearly killed them.

Psi Tophet.

“How did I not...” That system has been thoroughly searched since the war, every single planet combed multiple times over. Not a single sign of life. How would it be possible for them to escape and kidnap Cal without detection? “Steve, look.”

“What at?”

“Sigurd’s Cradle is inside the boundary.”

“Yeah...yeah, it is. You don’t think-”

“What else could it possibly be? What else has enough power to contain him?”

“Ships were sent almost immediately to Despoina. They all returned, no force field, their scanners showed nothing.”

“No, it has to be. Leviathan has Cal. If they’re controlling him, they could’ve forced him to leave the Citadel.”

“The Leviathan want to take over the galaxy. And they somehow need Shepard to do it.” They look at each other. “We need to go back to Despoina then. But last time...”

“I’m willing to fly down there alone. Nobody else has to risk it.”

“Like hell you’re going alone,” Steve tells him. “I’m your pilot. I’ll get you there and even though it was a bumpy ride last time, I’ll bring you back.”

“Thank you. We need to inform the others.”

Every single one of Shepard’s friends volunteers to land on Despoina with him but the nervous energy is palpable. Kaidan isn’t sure what will happen if that force field traps them. Shepard won’t be in the position to talk their way out of this one. They set an immediate course for Psi Tophet, unsure of what danger they’re heading into.

~~~~~

James gives Kaidan his own quarters, they’re reminiscent of the starboard observation deck. He’s lying on the couch, eyes fixated on the ceiling. His mind is blank and he doesn’t hear the knock on the door. He doesn’t notice his eyes start to droop either and he falls asleep.

A voice on the intercom cuts through his haze. “Kaidan, you around?”

He jolts awake. “Yeah, yeah, what’s up?” It’s Cortez.

“Seeing if you were in the mood for a drink.”

He almost says no automatically. But he likes Steve and he wants company. “Sure. Do you wanna come up here?”

“I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Okay, the door’s open.” He rubs at his eyes and yawns. Almost two hours he’s been out. Does he feel a little more rested? He doesn’t think so. Steve walks in a few minutes later, carrying a six pack. “Beer, huh?”

“Thought I’d save the tequila for another occasion.” He sits down and cracks a couple open. “I know this is a dumb question, but how are you doing?”

“It’s a relief to have people believe me, especially my friends.” He takes a large swig. “For months I thought this was all made up in my head. But Cal’s been sending me messages and now we’re out here actually looking for him. These last two years have been so hard.”

“I know,” Steve says. “I understand your pain completely. I’ll always hold Robert in my heart.”

“I still have all the messages he and I sent each other. Do you?”

“I still have some, yeah. The happy ones. It was actually Shepard who helped me realize it was time for me to let go of the others.”

“You’re a stronger person than me.”

He shook his head. “No, I’m not. The thought that Shepard’s alive...I can’t imagine. It hurt all of us.”

“Cal’s energy could brighten any room he walked in. He was...big. He is.”

“He is,” he agrees. “He has a lot of friends, a lot of people that love him. We’re all with you, Kaidan. I promise you that.”

Kaidan and Steve talk for a long time. It makes him wish he talked to Cortez more on the Normandy. Many people lost loved ones two years ago, he knows that. But Steve is someone who understands him.

~~~~~

His stomach rumbles and he decides it’s time to eat. A couple others from James’ crew are there but he sits as far away from them as he can. He eats slowly, trying to play out different scenarios and then realizing that probably isn’t a good idea right now. Garrus comes by a few minutes later.

“I wanted to talk to you.”

It’s not a good tone. “Okay,” Kaidan says cautiously. “About the mission?”

“Yes. We were discussing it and...do you realize this could all be a ruse? If Leviathan has him and was able to control him so he could escape the Citadel...”

“Then they’d use him as a trap,” he whispers. “But why? Why now?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because we know more about them than anyone else in the galaxy. It’s possible that he’s not the one sending these messages, at least not on purpose. Or...maybe even he’s-”

“Don’t say it, Garrus. Please. This is dangerous no matter what. We know that. He’s a prisoner regardless and needs to be rescued.”

“I just want us to be prepared for anything.”

“We know it’s going to be hell fighting to get to him. But I’m willing to do anything, sacrifice myself for him, just like he did for the galaxy. Like we were all willing to do.”

“We’re gonna arrive in a couple hours.”

He nods. “Yes, we will.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I'm really fond of this story

Kaidan is putting a lot of people at risk. They decide to scan all the planets ‘just in case’ but he knows nothing will be found. Cortez is right, no signs of life exist in this system anymore. The Council ensured that after the war. But he’s convinced Leviathan has Cal. Maybe not on Despoina, but he’s imprisoned somewhere. Their scans of the water world prove useless and although it’s already been confirmed by other ships, everyone worries about the force field.

Cortez, Kaidan, and Edi choose to go since they were part of the original squad. If anything happens, hopefully they can figure it out. Others want to go but the fewer who do the better. Kaidan sits back in his seat on the shuttle. His eyes are closed, he doesn’t see Edi looking at him.

“Can you get us to the same spot as last time?” he asks.

“Already on our way,” Steve tells him.

“I’m not even sure what we’re looking for...”

They hit the ground without issue. Kaidan jumps out first, rifle in hand as a precaution, but nothing lurks. The three of them have flashbacks of the husks and vicious brutes that attacked last time. Kaidan swears he sees Cal slide over a pipe in a blue biotic blur. A blast of fire is on his right thanks to Edi. Cortez is behind them desperately trying to fix the shuttle.

But none of that is real. Not anymore at least. They’re standing in a lifeless camp. Edi and Cortez are checking tents, for orbs he assumes. No one has seen any since the last time they were here. After just a couple minutes, he knows they’ll find absolutely nothing.

“I need some help, Cal,” he whispers. The others can’t hear him, they’re far enough ahead. “Please give me something so I can help you.” They comb their way to the opposite side, where Cal had suited up in an ancient mech and leapt to the bottom of the fucking ocean. Kaidan and his companions stayed back to fight as hard as they could until he resurfaced. The sight of two giant brutes towering over an injured Cal is permanently seared into his memory.

“Should we try another rig?”

Kaidan looks over at Edi. “I guess,” he sighs. How many float on this terrible planet? Kaidan’s gaze is far off when they finally travel back to the ship. He barely hears Cortez relaying their lack of findings to Vega over the radio.

Edi sits next to him. “There’s one other water world in the area I highlighted. An unmanned turian probe passed the system years ago. It is unexplored just as this one was.”

He nods. “Don’t know where else they could be.” It isn’t as if they have many options. Kaidan hates himself for becoming discouraged so quickly.

After a group meeting and a loss in morale, James keeps Kaidan back. “Got a call from another friend while you were down there. She wanted to talk to you herself,” he says. “She’s on the line.” And then James leaves to give them some privacy.

“Tali?” He is a little surprised. “What are you doing?”

“Being offended no one called me. Shepard’s alive and not even an email?”

He suddenly feels bad. He hadn’t thought beyond anything except getting a ship and coming to this planet. “Sorry, I-”

“Don’t apologize. Just know I would’ve come immediately.”

“I do know that. But...how do you know about this?”

“I have contacts on the Citadel. Apparently the Council’s searching for you. I heard a rumor that they even sent another spectre.”

“That seems a little extreme.”

“Not to arrest you. I doubt. Probably just to _convince_ you to go back. Anyways, Joker gave me your coordinates. I’m already on my way.”

“That was...fast.”

“I’m taking off soon. Some of the geth helped me prepare.”

He’s glad quarian and geth relations are going well. “But what about Rannoch? You’re still an admiral.”

“They can survive just fine without me for a while. I did inform the rest of the board. Xen and Gerrel tried to tell me it was pointless. Raan and Koris agreed that I was making the right decision.”

“Heh, and you cast the tie breaking vote?”

“My vote was the only one that mattered in this case. Now, I can't believe you were back on Despoina.”

“Yeah, nothing like last time though.” It’s awkwardly silent for a few moments. Kaidan feels like everything he does these days is awkward.

“How are you doing?” she asks quietly.

They’ve seen each other only at Shepard’s two death anniversaries. Their schedules are too busy to allow for anything more. “It’s been hard getting to this point but now that we’re searching, I know we’ll find him.

“We’re all experts in these sorts of missions now. We’ll have him back soon.”

He nods. “But we’re stuck right now, Despoina was a dead end. There’s that other planet...but...”

“But nothing. There’s still hope. And that’s enough. I’ll see you soon.”

They hang up and he’s alone. Still hope. There is still hope. He leaves the briefing room to find his friends and talk to them, similar to other times on another ship.

~~~~~

“I never want to see water ever again after this.” Kaidan is talking to Miranda over the intercom.

“Neither do I. So what’s the plan? We’re taking the shuttle down, yes?”

“Yeah. But I don’t know. We can’t circle the entire planet. Good thing we have Edi.”

“When I first met her on the SR-2, as a shackled AI, I never imagined...”

“I was scared the first time I saw her walking down the hall. The time before that she--well, that body--was bashing me against a shuttle. And Cal’s such an ass! ‘Oh, she’s been here a long time now, I just forgot you’re not used to her.’ Mhmm.”

“Did she get the chance to introduce herself?”

“I did,” Edi interjects. “After he shouted and jumped backwards.”

“Hey, you can’t blame me for that.”

“A reasonable reaction,” Miranda agrees.

“Yes, it is,” Edi says. “I have enjoyed our friendship since that incident.”

He smiles to himself. “So have I. And I know Cal considers you a good friend too. Both of you.”

Miranda chuckles. “Did he tell you how much we hated each other initially? Argued all the damn time.”

“Heh. He may have mentioned it.”

“I’m sure he did. But by the time we went to the Collector base-”

“‘We were tight.’”

“Indeed.”

They’re quiet a moment, each thinking of the ways Shepard has impacted their lives.

“I’m heading to the mess hall,” Kaidan says and interrupts everyone’s thoughts. “Won’t be good to starve myself I guess. I’ll talk to you in a bit.”

For the rest of the journey, he wonders if Tali will arrive while they’re exploring the new planet. He knows she won’t arrive before. That unexplored world is an unknown and Kaidan fears what can go wrong. But he’s scared all the time. His hands seem to always shake, his heart always races. But what will they do when they actually find the leviathan? He has no fucking idea but they’ll find a way. They will.

“We’re approaching,” Edi announces.

Their group prepares in the shuttle bay. Kaidan tries to put on a strong front, so do his friends. He’s repeatedly offered to go alone, but they insist and he’s glad they do.

“Everyone ready?” Cortez asks.

With the okay from everyone, they leave. The planet has a nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere similar to Earth’s, but it’s a bit farther than one AU and its star has a higher energy output than Sol. It’s warm, or will be if they leave the shuttle, and the days are longer. Kaidan watches the plain environment intently, occasionally glancing at his companions. The silence makes him uncomfortable once they’re underwater and he isn’t sure why. But at the same time, he doesn’t want chatter--unless it’s Edi, it’ll only distract. But he’s the one to break it.

“Cal had to dive deep. Are we going that far?”

“Not quite,” Cortez tells him. “The life here is photosynthetic, anything massive will pop up on our radar.”

“This planet is surprisingly unremarkable. How long are we searching?”

“Until you want to return to the ship.”

“I shouldn’t be the one to decide.” If it’s up to him, they just might stay forever. He eventually takes a seat. Has he ever been this deep in an ocean? It’s strange seeing nothing but water. Another barren planet, another waste, another spiral into despair. He doesn’t listen to what the others discuss--if it’s truly important, they’ll grab his attention.

And eventually Edi does.

“Kaidan, I believe it’s time.”

He nods. “Okay. Steve, take us back.”

The ocean gradually lightens as the sun’s rays pierce the water. They emerge to a dusky blue sky, clouds floating along the horizon. Peaceful.

Vega’s ship picks them up and soon the view is black, decorated by white dots light years away. Kaidan forgoes the usual report. Nothing happened, and that can easily be explained by Cortez or Miranda or Edi. He needs to figure out their next move and for now, he needs solitude.

Instead of planning, he gets lost in memories. He remembers his and Cal’s first kiss, their night together before Ilos. There was the ridiculous time they painted on each other’s skin, names and messy drawings that ended up as permanent tattoos. Kaidan brushes over the one on his forearm. Simple. _Cal_ with three red stars beneath it. Cal’s says his name, except his is decorated with Kaidan’s ‘abstract heart’ in blue. It looks closer to a tree. Maybe one day they can get matching tattoos in purple. He laughs at the thought. Cal was also the one who first brought up the rings. It was a quiet mention, they had passed a jewelry store and Kaidan did notice him eyeing them. It was so cute. He was so shy and that’s something so rare for Cal. They spent the evening choosing the right ones. The next evening was Cal’s party. That had been a blast, the hangovers the following morning not so much.

But right now, Kaidan isn’t at a party or painting on his lover. He lies on a couch, the isolation no longer feeling like a good idea. “Edi, can you get Garrus for me?” It doesn’t take her long.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Do you want to hang out for a bit?” Kaidan asks him. “But, uh, I’d prefer my quarters if you don’t mind.”

He doesn’t know what Garrus is currently doing but maybe it’s the tone of Kaidan’s voice that makes him say, “Sure, I’ll come up now.”

Kaidan pushes himself up, makes sure his hair and clothing aren’t askew. His friend arrives more quickly than he expects. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Garrus repeats and sits down. “Sorry about...the planet.”

“Yeah, me too.” He scratches the back of his head. “I didn’t call you here for any particular reason. Just to talk, y’know? So if you’re bored you can-”

“Kaidan. It’s fine. You don’t have to explain.”

He nods. “Yeah. Okay. I came in here to think, try to...I don’t know, plan our next move. Maybe all of us can piece something together, maybe Tali will.”

“Everyone’s been talking about it. We’re a smart group, right?”

“Heh, of course. I hope so. I got distracted pretty quick though. Started thinking about the Silversun Strip.” Kaidan grins. “He tried to teach me the piano once in the apartment. That didn’t go too well. We just ended up having sex on the couch.”

“The couch we all sat on at the party.”

“One and the same.” He clears his throat. “You know, he’s always said that he’s an asshole and I guess...that could’ve been true? When he was younger. But so was I after Jump Zero. I was so bitter, angry.”

“He told me about the gang. Well, eventually he did. Said the Reds were xenophobes and he just went along with it when he was young.”

“Until Ryan. And ended up being the complete opposite. People still try to paint him as cold-hearted, mean. But they’re so fucking wrong and they make me so angry. Because deep down, I know it hurt him. But they’ve never wanted to see the real him. Cal is so full of love.”

“I know. He has a lot of friends that care about him.”

“I think he sort of considers everyone his best friend.”

“Ha, I think that title goes to you. And that Ryan.”

“I mean, yeah, he’s my best friend. But we’re also boyfriends. We love each other. So, so much. And Ryan, Ryan was his family, even if they weren’t related by blood. And it’s a different kind, but he has a lot of love for his friends. You know he has a lot of love for you, right?”

“...And I do for him as well. He’s the greatest friend I’ve ever had, if I’m honest. I even think he _might’ve_ let me win our bottle shooting contest.”

Kaidan laughs. “I might have heard something about some bottles.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I am the better shooter but even I have off days.”

“I’m sure that’s exactly what it was. Cal used to be...no, I mean he _is_. I...that was a mistake...” He stands up and starts pacing back and forth. How could he say that? _Is._ Cal _is_. Not was, never was. Cal _is_ alive.

He throws himself against the window and looks at Garrus. The turian is now standing too. “It was just a word mix up, Kaidan.”

“No, why would I say...” His fist slams against the window. He can feel his eyes sting. “What if we never...?” He can’t finish the sentence. He starts crying.

“Don’t say that. We’ve faced impossible odds how many times and won? This isn’t the end.”

He’s shaking, unable to look Garrus in the eye. A few moments later, he feels a three-pronged hand touch his shoulder. He glances up and without thinking, pushes himself towards him. He continues to cry and feels Garrus slowly wrap his arms around him in a hug. Neither says a word for a long time.

~~~~~

“We should go to Omega.”

James raises an eyebrow at Kaidan. “You wanna go to Omega.”

“We could use some supplies. And everyone needs to walk on some solid ground for a while. It’s close by.”

He sighs. “Yeah, okay.”

Maybe Omega isn’t the greatest place for an Alliance ship but the crew does need a break and Kaidan does need a stiff drink. I’m surprised you’re letting me be so...bossy.”

He puts his hands up with a small smirk. “You are the spectre after all.”

“Your ship though. I was put under spectre house arrest anyways. Has the Alliance contacted you?”

“Yeah. Told them I’m on a spectre mission. They asked for our location, told them it was classified.”

“I can’t imagine they’re happy about that.”

“No, but there’s nothing they can do about it. Probably squeeze me when we get back, assign me a trash mission no one wants. But when we bring Loco home, we’ll be heroes, not that we’re doing it for that. But you and the mess with the Council, that junk won’t matter.”

“I know. But even if it does still matter to them, it _won’t_ matter, y’know?” He sighs. “Better tell Joker to take us to Omega then.”

“I’ll go over there. It’s been a while since I got to tease him.”

“I’ll see you later.” Kaidan starts to leave but then stops. “Vega? When Cal finds out about this, about what you’ve accomplished these last couple years, he’ll be proud of you.”

“That means a lot.” Kaidan smiles a bit and James returns it. Then he turns around and he leaves for real.

They approach the familiar asteroid--though Kaidan hasn’t been here with the rest of the Normandy crew. He doesn't like this place, however, Cal almost feels at home here. It reminds him of his childhood, even if it wasn’t all good memories. Maybe ‘used to it’ is a better phrase. He and Aria were almost friends, though both scoffed at that idea. But she did kiss him once, Cal told him. He burst out laughing at her when it happened.

When they land, Kaidan decides to go to Afterlife. The first thing he does is order a strong drink. Cal has an insanely high tolerance, which he claims is from the cybernetics. That’s mostly true. Kaidan downs it then asks for another. When someone gets up to dance, he nabs their seat. He notices a guard eyeing him nearby but he glares right back until the guy looks away. He’s pretty sure he’s the first to arrive here from the ship. No one asked to hang out with him and he prefers it that way. At least right now. Kaidan can never decide if he needs to be surrounded by friends or left completely alone.

Apparently, there used to be a batarian bartender here who hated humans. Kaidan can’t remember why. But he served toxic cocktails to unfortunate customers. One of them was Cal and he wasn’t expected to live. When he returned to the bar, he forced the batarian to drink his own concoction. He died. Kaidan had asked why the guy didn’t put up a fight or run, but Cal reminded him that he and everyone they know are always heavily armed. Cal hates batarians. Ryan had taught him the ignorance of xenophobia but then batarian pirates killed Ryan when Cal was twenty-five. It’s wrong to hate an entire race for that, Kaidan gently tried to tell him, but that hatred has never faltered. Just as Ryan helped him change for the better when he was alive, his death changed Cal too. Kaidan understands that pain all too well.

His finger circles the rim of his half-empty glass. Cal said that Kaidan was a better person than him, that he didn’t hate turians for what happened to him.

Kaidan told him no, he wasn’t a better person. He cupped his face and told him he was the kindest person he’d ever met. Cal laughed loudly and then Kaidan quieted him with a kiss.

He closes his eyes and softly smiles.

“Hey. You Alenko?”

His eyes snap open and he glares in the direction of the gruff voice. “What do you want?”

“Aria wants to speak to you.”

He gulps the remainder of his drink and stands. “Fine.” The krogan leads him through the club until he’s walking towards her and a batarian guard. “Why’d you call me here?”

She looks him over. “I know who you are, Alenko. Shepard never shut the hell up about you.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Maybe I just want to chat. Or--maybe I want to know why you’re here, Spectre.”

“I’m not here on Council business, if that’s what you mean.”

“Yes, I’ve heard of your little...fallout. Didn’t expect you to end up here though. What I’m curious about is why their perfect spectre got in trouble.”

“It’s none of your business.”

She shrugs. “Tell me or don’t.”

He stares at her a moment while she stares off in some random direction pretending not to care. “Cal is alive.”

Both she and the batarian snap their gazes at him. Aria tries to control her expression but even she can’t hide the look in her eye. _“What?”_

“It’s a long story that you wouldn’t believe anyways.”

“I haven’t come across any information.”

“Guess the Council really does want to keep this a secret. Can’t have people thinking one of their spectres is crazy.”

“Crazy. What you mean is that there’s no proof. Just the word of a grieving boyfriend.”

“Fuck off,” he snarls. “He’s alive. You don’t know the situation. But you’re his friend, you think you’d want to help out.”

She doesn’t dispute the friend part. “Say this is true. What’s your plan?”

“I don’t know. Our leads are a bust. But he’s somewhere in the Terminus Systems.”

She scoffs. “Not exactly a small area.”

“It’s a specific area. I already have someone searching for any abnormal activity. We’re just here for a break. I’ve dragged this crew around enough for now.”

She waves a hand. “I’ll look into it. Send me anything you’ve found so far. For now, you have access to my mercenaries. I owe Shepard that much at least.”

He nods. He doesn't want to use her gangs and he won’t, unless the situation turns truly desperate.

“You’re here, I might as well give you drinks on the house. You look like you need a few. No one here will bother you.”

“Thanks. Let me know if you find anything useful.” He does need another drink and he gets one. He sits back down alone, with a view of the lower ring of the bar. Some of the crew he doesn’t know well stands down there. He can’t look for long. His fingers tap against the table but the sound is completely drowned by the loud music. How long before his head hurts? That is an answer he doesn’t want to find out. He walks out of the club, briefly listening to an elcor bouncer bar some obnoxious human from entering. Tali should arrive anytime now and their friends will gather at the docks to greet her. He debates renting a hotel but doesn’t care much for that idea. There’s no point anyways, he isn’t too tired yet. He receives a message.

‘Want some company?’

Miranda. ‘Sure, I’m by the market.’

They walk through the market square together. Miranda points to a path. “A quarian used to run a shop over there. A bit dense really . He came here on his pilgrimage, lost all his money, and had to sell junk for a ticket out of here.”

“That’s terrible.”

“Shepard paid for his way out.”

He smiles. “I’m not surprised.”

They pass a shop and Miranda laughs. “This place was selling copies of a special male edition of Fornax.

“I’d bet all my credits he bought it.”

“Of course, he looked through it right there. Showed me and Garrus every damn page. He was particularly fond of the hanar. Took him for more of a krogan man.”

Kaidan snorts. “That’s a whole other story. He does like krogans. But hanar? He’s always liked their tentacles.”

“Of course he does.”

Kaidan’s mood had deteriorated in the club and now he’s glad for Miranda’s company. She also reminds him about the tattoo of Grunt on the back of his thigh. A drunken push-up contest between Jack and Cal on this wretched asteroid. Garrus played judge. Cal face-planted onto the filthy floor of Afterlife and as winner, Jack didn’t have to get Grunt’s face on her skin.

“The, uh, first time he and I were having sex after...everything, I flipped him onto his stomach and saw that tattoo and I just, I lost it. Cal found it hilarious too. And things did get back on track after that.” He grins. He hadn’t been surprised in the slightest when he heard about that contest.

They hang out for a while and he kind of wonders how she puts up with him for so long. How all of them have. But he does his best not to dwell, he realizes those thoughts can’t help right now. He eventually wanders back to the ship alone, takes a shower, then falls asleep on his bed. Yeah, not renting a hotel was the better idea.

His nap is disturbed by a knock on the door. “Kaidan?” Liara calls.

“Yeah?” he slurs.

“Tali’s arrived.”

“Okay, I’m coming.” He rolls off the bed and pulls on some clothes. When he walks out, he doesn’t expect Tali to be waiting right there.

“It’s good to see you,” she says, immediately hugging him.

“You too. I’m sorry I never got in touch with you.”

“I’m here now.”

He runs a hand through his hair. Is it sticking up from his nap? “Yeah, but there’s not much of a mission at this point.”

She seems to be thinking. “I’ll talk to Edi, take a look at the signal she found. Do you know where she is?”

He shakes his head. “I was hanging out with Miranda for a while then I came here and fell asleep.”

“I’ll send her a message,” she says, already typing it out.

“She might be at Afterlife with Joker. I think most of the crew wandered over there.”

“And she...yes, she is. Do you want to come with me?”

“Yeah, sure.”

She asks more details about the Citadel incident but he’s scant. He assumes she’ll just ask Garrus or Liara or someone about it later. He asks her about Rannoch and how well the quarians and geth are working together. Most of the time they do work well. It’s still taking time to get used to sharing a planet--and actually being on a planet instead of the flotilla. Cal will be glad to hear about their cooperation. They find Edi and Joker in Afterlife as expected, at a table with all their friends. Apparently they’ve already exchanged greetings with Tali.

“Edi, I was hoping we could look at that signal you recorded.”

“Of course,” she says and stands.

Kaidan occupies her seat when they leave. He glances around at everyone and does his best to smile. “Y’know, I can get us free drinks. Aria’s treat.”

“Damn, you’ve been holding out on us,” James says.

They wave down a bartender, Kaidan gives his name, and then he orders everyone a round. Kaidan just listens for the most part as everyone talks. Garrus tells a joke and the table bursts into laughter. Kaidan forces himself to join. It isn’t that he doesn’t find it funny--he simply hasn’t paid much attention. Most of his current focus is on a stain on the floor that suspiciously (well, not so suspicious in a place like this) looks like blood. Briefly, he wonders if it’s Cal’s. He’s well aware of the battle that took place here with Cerberus.

Kaidan drinks until he has a good buzz going, he talks and laughs more freely. They need this break, Kaidan knows the importance of it. Maybe he should’ve told Tali to sit down for at least one drink before getting to work.

~~~~~

They’ve been in Omega a few days now. Tali has spoken with him. Wherever Cal is, communication is scrambled. A message is sent but it’s sent to multiple points in the area and then those are all sent to their true destination. But the places are strangely random, seemingly empty space. There are too many points and it’s why Edi can carve out a slice of the Terminus Systems but not an exact location.

“The web is complicated,” Tali says. “Edi’s systems are overwhelmed. I tried to decipher it myself but it’s...very intricate.”

That was code for ‘there’s nothing we can do.’

Kaidan thanked her for her attempt but his mood has sunk even lower. The smartest people he knows are unable to figure things out. The mission looks bleak.

That happened yesterday and he’s spent a lot of time since simply exploring the asteroid. Some parts are a lot better than others. It disgusts him how many people are forced to live in such a dangerous place. One day, maybe he and Cal can come back to help these people somehow.

Right now, he’s pretty much doing the same thing as the day before. Alone but this time roaming the markets. He walks up to the marketplace Miranda pointed at the other day and browses the wares himself. He laughs when he sees a special male edition of Fornax. The batarian hands him the copy when he purchases it. He flips through it and grins when he sees a hanar. Even a couple krogan posed for the magazine. Kaidan knows Cal has always had a crush on Wrex--and that they slept together on the SR-1, before they were a couple. Cal has always been a wild guy, sometimes a little too wild--Kaidan thinks of the mech and a certain reaper on Rannoch in particular--but that energy is something Kaidan loves about him.

His mood is starting to spiral again. He sends a message to Garrus. ‘I was just about to message you too,’ the turian replies. ‘We’re going to lunch at a place that actually serves food Tali and I can eat. Do you want to come?’

‘Sure, I’ll be there in a few.’ He kind of wonders if Garrus is telling the truth. Ever since the news from Tali, he feels like everyone is avoiding him. Maybe they think they’re doing him a favor. He isn’t sure if it feels like a favor or not. As soon as he sits down, he realizes just how hungry he is. They tease him about the steak sandwich and beer he orders. Music plays quietly in the background and when some generic piano piece comes on, Liara says,

“I had no idea Shepard knew how to play the piano until we were at his apartment.”

Suddenly, he feels everyone’s eyes on him and he looks up from his plate. And then they quickly glance at other things. “Yeah,” Kaidan says. “I was telling Garrus about how he tried teaching me a song. Didn’t go so well but I know he was really excited when he first saw the piano there.” He takes a sip of beer as they resume normal conversation. It’s in that moment he realizes everyone is acting cautious around him. The mood is definitely different from drinks at Afterlife but earlier he chalked it up to the different environment. Have things changed because of Tali’s confirmation that any leads are basically gone? Do they think he’ll snap? Are they...starting to think he actually is delusional? That the Council was right to confine him until he agreed to professional help?

Suddenly he feels very uncomfortable. All he wanted was a meal in peace. It seems like forever, but when the bill finally comes he makes sure to pay it. He rattles off a quick goodbye and leaves. Are they watching him right now? He pictures Garrus and Miranda getting up to chase after him but Liara or maybe Cortez tells them to let Kaidan go.

Nobody ends up coming for him. Good.

He returns to the ship, returns to the solitude of his quarters. He sighs and sits down on the couch. Maybe they’re right. He can’t drag them from system to system forever. But he refuses to return to the Citadel. There’s nothing there for him anymore. Well, nothing but trouble from the Council. Maybe he can stay on Omega, try to help like how Garrus caused trouble for the gangs. Or travel to star systems himself in hopes of stumbling across Leviathan’s hideout. He doesn’t want to be the one to bring this stuff up to his friends but someone else might soon. He lies down.

“I’m sorry, Cal. I failed you.”

~~~~~

It’s an accident but he falls asleep. He dreams of Cal. The other man says nothing but he’s sitting down and smiling at Kaidan. They’re in the SR-1 and he remembers this frozen moment of time. But then black tendrils start wrapping around Cal and his smile morphs into a glare.

_“You let me die, Kaidan.”_

He bolts right up from his dream. His heart pounds and he’s sweated right through his shirt. He breathes hard as he realizes where he is. He flops back down and stares at the ceiling. Just a nightmare. It isn’t real.

He rolls onto his side and holds his left hand close to his chest. There’s a desk near the door, behind this couch. Underneath it is where Cal’s box sits. He rolls again, except this time to land on his hands and knees on the floor. He crawls towards it and drags it back over until he’s leaning against the wall, right under the window.

Did Cal truly die in the crucible launch? Did Kaidan really make this entire thing up? Is it time to let go, can he do that? He shakes his head and kicks the box open. His eyes land on the damn shirt. He grabs it and draws his knees up, cradling it by his face and inhaling deeply. The shirt smells mostly of dust and nothing of Cal. But what if he’s not dead? He can’t give up now.

Tears fall and the more he thinks about everything, the harder he cries. The fabric soaks it right up. “Please, Cal,” he chokes out. “Give me one more sign. Tell me how to save you and I will.”

He sobs into the dancing hanar. There is no sign. There will be no answer.

His hands shake but he opens his omni-tool anyways to look at his emails, as if he isn’t hurting enough.

 _‘Hey, Lieutenant, I need you in my cabin for some special battle plans. Wink, wink.’_ Kaidan had rolled his eyes when Cal actually wrote out the ‘wink, wink’ part.

 _‘Jacob just kicked my ass at Shattered Eezo in front of everyone! What the fuck!’_ ‘Cal, you’re terrible at Shattered Eezo.’

 _‘I’m going to the tattoo parlor, you wanna get another one with me?’_ Kaidan laughs a bit, that answer had been a solid no.

He looks at the ones dated from Cal’s time with Cerberus.

_‘Kay, I’m scared.’_

_‘I’m scared too, Cal.’_

He could never work for Cerberus but he regrets not being in that fight at the Collector base. _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry._ He sits against the wall for some time, until his legs ache and tears dry. That’s probably enough reading for now. He gets a new message and returns to his inbox. Which one of them is checking up on him to make sure he hasn’t harmed or killed himself?

His blood turns to ice. Cal’s address. No subject. He hesitates a moment, terrified. _Maybe it’s a hacker._

He opens it then reads it over and over and over. But _read_ is inaccurate. The message contains no real words, just a random string of letters and numbers.

His breath quickens. This is it. This isn’t a hacker. This is Cal’s sign.

He calls Edi immediately. “Meet me at the docks!” he exclaims. “Alone. Please, it’s an emergency!” He doesn’t need anyone else around yet, not until Edi confirms it. But if she’s with someone, they’ll probably come anyways. He jumps up, puts the hanar shirt back in the box, then runs as fast as he can. As soon as he sees her, he rushes over.

“Track this.” He scrambles to forward the message. “Please, tell me I’m not making this up.”

Edi takes a few moments before she says, “This message was sent from the Iota Urania system in the Rosetta Nebula.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought there was something I wanted to say here but now I've forgotten. Anyways, thanks a lot for the reviews last time around. It makes me so happy that people are enjoying this

“He’s there,” Kaidan breathes. “Cal’s there, he sent me that message.” He looks at Edi with wide eyes.

“The crew has already been summoned.”

All the emotions Kaidan feels right now, he knows are mirrored in Edi. They have a location, a lead. They don’t have to wander anymore. He isn’t delusional, Edi just confirmed it. They wait impatiently at the docks.

“Should I tell Aria?” he asks.

“Considering the unpredictable nature of our destination, the mercenaries may prove useful. ‘Cannon fodder,’ Shepard referred to them as. Aria is also an extremely capable biotic.”

He sighs. “I don’t want to rely on these gangs. Nor do I want to draw too much attention when we go in...” He calls her.

“Hold on,” he hears on the other side. He waits a few moments and then she appears on the screen. She’s alone in some sort of room that definitely isn’t Afterlife’s main floor. “What did you find?”

“Rosetta Nebula, Iota Urania. Heard of it?”

“No.”

“Well, that’s where Cal is. He got a message out. I can’t rely on the Council or the Alliance right now, but I don’t want your gangs either unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

“Do you know what you’re heading into?”

“No. If Leviathan’s there...but none of those planets is a water world, I don’t know if they have oceans big enough...something will be waiting but there’s no time to waste. I see my crew approaching.”

“I’ll have them prepared just in case.”

The line cuts off just as James and Steve run up. “What’s going on? What happened?” Cortez asks. They both sound out of breath. Then come Tali and Garrus, Joker and Chakwas, Liara, Miranda. Everyone is gathered around him and Edi, and for a second he can’t form words.

“Cal, got a message out just now. Edi was able to track it. It’s from the Iota Urania system in the Rosetta Nebula.” He’s speaking fast but he knows they understand.

“What did the message say?” Liara asks.

“Nothing. Random letters. But it was from his address.”

“Then we need to get going, yeah?” James says.

Everyone knows they’ll be flying into the unknown. Vega’s ship is fitted with some of the best weapons and armor the Alliance has, but fear still hangs like a black cloud. They're used to this though. They’ll go to that system and they will persevere. The rest of James’ crew returns, the ship is already prepared to leave at a moment’s notice.

Kaidan stands at the galaxy map, staring at the Rosetta Nebula’s blinking point. They traveled there during the war, to the Enoch System when the Blue Suns invaded it. He runs a hand through his hair. Cal somehow heard him, Cal sent him a sign, Cal is still alive. The rescue will be a success and Cal will finally be back in his arms. Joker announces they’re leaving in ten.

His omni-tool blinks and he opens the call. “What?”

“We’re coming.”

“...What?” he repeats.

“Bray and I are coming,” Aria tells him, now annoyed. “Can’t trust the Alliance to do anything right. We’ll follow you.”

“We’re leaving in ten. I’ll send you the coordinates.”

She sounds angry and maybe she’s just as angry as Kaidan that someone had the audacity to steal Shepard away. “Received. We’ll keep in touch.”

They hang up and he watches James approach. “Are we ready for take off?” Kaidan asks.

“We are. Time to get the hell off this rock and get Shepard.”

He informs him of Aria. Vega looks uncomfortable but agrees they need all the help they can get. Rosetta isn’t far, they’ll be in the nebula after passing through the Omega-2 relay. But it’ll take hours to get to the correct star. This is what he’s been waiting for. He can feel it in his bones--once they step off this ship, they'll return with Cal. After so long, they’ll be reunited. Kaidan can wrap his arms around him again, kiss him, tell him how much he loves him and that he’s safe now. It isn’t a grieving fantasy anymore, this is real.

A strange calm washes over him. He has to prepare, they need to be ready for absolutely anything. He heads for the armory where he knows Cortez will be. As predicted, he’s working on the shuttle. “Ready to go?”

Steve turns to look at Kaidan. “It is. Just double...triple checking things.”

Kaidan swallows. “Guess we can’t be over prepared, huh?”

“Nope. Especially for something this big.”

He isn’t sure what to say, he imagines neither does Steve. “Came to see if anything needs work.” Nothing does but they pretend as they sit there and talk for a short while. Cortez knows how Kaidan’s pain feels. And now they’re on their way to rescue Cal and he couldn’t be happier. But while talking to Steve, part of him feels guilty. And he feels uncomfortable about feeling guilty. What a mess. But there’s no way to save Robert, there never will be. He’s gone. Kaidan knows he has no control over that. “We’re having a meeting in the briefing room in a bit.”

Steve nods. “James mentioned it to me earlier.”

“I wanted to make the rounds first. I won’t take long.” He stands up.

“I’ll see you soon.”

He finds Garrus next, adjusting whatever could possibly be wrong with the ship’s weapons. “How are you feeling?” the turian asks.

“I don’t know.”

“Yeah, me neither. Whatever we find...well, just remember me and Cal fought our way through the center of the galaxy--and returned to tell the tale. We’re capable of anything.”

“Heh, I think you had a little extra help. But still an amazing feat. Nothing will stop me from getting to him.”

“And we’ll be right beside you.”

He almost asks if they had still been with him earlier or if they thought he was delusional after all. But he holds his tongue--the answer is unimportant and he can’t afford any distractions. “So are the guns good enough?”

“Ha, just a few calibrations and this ship will be up to turian standards.” They stand in silence for just a moment. “I’ve really missed him,” Garrus whispers.

Kaidan makes a sound in his throat. “Yeah...me too.”

He visits everyone and everyone tells him a story about Cal. Kaidan loves hearing them, loves hearing about Cal from another’s perspective, loves hearing all the great ways he’s affected their lives too. Edi contacts Aria and Bray and once they’re onboard, a meeting is called. Kaidan arrives first and watches everyone trail in. When Cortez comes, a kid he doesn’t know is beside him. Vega stands next to Kaidan at the head of the table.

“All yours, Spectre.”

He nods. “Okay, everyone. You don’t need me to tell you how important this mission is. Cal’s gotten us through a lot of scary situations. Now he needs us to rescue him from one. This is going to be difficult, we have no idea what we’ll be facing. But we need to succeed. By the end of this mission...we’ll have Cal back. But first we need to form some sort of plan. I want us in two teams. I’ll lead one, Vega should lead the other. I want Edi with me, as well as Miranda and Garrus. Tali and Liara will be with James, as well as-”

“Bray can provide air support,” Aria states. “But I’m coming with you, Alenko.”

Three biotics will be too much compared to team two’s single one. He figures it best not to argue. “I want two biotics per team.”

Miranda nods. “Got it, I’m with Vega.” He knows she’d rather be with him but not a hint of that shows on her face.

“Depending on the situation, I want to be on the ground too,” Cortez explains. “I want to be there when we find Shepard. Beside me is Lieutenant Moreno. He’s a damn good pilot, I trust him.”

“If the situation is too hot-”

“I understand.”

Kaidan nods. “Okay. Then you’ll be with Vega. I don’t want us splitting up further since we don’t know what this fight will look like. Liara’s been trying to find info but...”

“It’s odd. The system exists and is listed in Citadel records, but there’s little information. No discovery date, no advisory warnings, nothing on who found it. The third planet, Mizora, is listed as a garden world but there are no plans of colonization nor mention of why it isn’t colonized already.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t sound suspicious at all,” Joker says.

“Edi and I have scanned the records multiple times. There’s no indication that they’ve been tampered with whatsoever. The information is simply...not there. I can’t find anything on it, nobody’s heard of it. There are oceans of course but are they able to sustain the leviathan? That remains to be seen.”

“I know things look grim right now,” Kaidan tells them. “We’ll know more once we’re close enough for a thorough scan. It’ll be hard as hell but I know we’ll succeed. Cal saved the galaxy and maybe everyone wants to forget that and forget about him. But us? He’s special to every single person in this room. And he’ll be home with us soon. I couldn’t ask for a better group of people to do this with. You each put a lot on the line, even when I had no proof. Thank you for believing in me.”

~~~~~

“Uhh, Kaidan? You’re gonna want to come here for a sec,” Joker’s voice announces over the intercom.

He cuts his conversation with a crewman short and rushes to the bridge. “What’s going on?”

“Look.”

A screen appears and he zooms in on Mizora. Floating in the dredges where space and atmosphere mingle is a trio of reapers. They do nothing but hover, but Kaidan feels a chill run up his spine anyways. Nothing will ever get him used to the sight of them. “They haven’t been hostile since the crucible launch...”

“Yeah, but do we really want to risk it? We know what they’re capable of,” the pilot says. “I’ll give you one guess where Shepard’s signal ends.”

“Of course.”

“What do you want to do?”

“They’ll notice us, we can’t hide. Let’s engage from a distance. If things go south, we can jump to FTL and look at our options. We’ll suit up.”

He messages Cortez. “We got three reapers hanging above the signal. Joker’s gonna poke them.”

“Are we getting ready as usual?”

“Yes. Edi and I are heading down now.”

Everyone waits anxiously in the shuttle bay. They can’t fight off three reapers with one ship. What will they do? Will they need the Council or the Alliance to send reinforcements? Convincing them to do so will be a difficult task. Kaidan knows that if he sends them their coordinates, they’ll dispatch someone to take him in. The group is dead silent until finally, finally Joker’s voice startles them all. “Looks like we’re good. I’d almost think they were dead if...y’know, they weren’t. I’ll drop you in the shuttle.”

“Kaidan,” Edi says. “A large concentration of organic life is centered near the source. There is aquatic life but nothing as substantial as Leviathan.”

Still unpredictable but the fight just got a bit easier. “We still don’t want to land too close.” He thinks about it. “Cortez, I want you to take me in. We shouldn’t all jump in until we know the situation.”

“I’m coming with you,” Miranda insists.

He nods. “No one else though. Whatever’s down there probably won’t react well to a shuttle full of intimidating armed people.” The three enter the shuttle alone and once it’s clear, they leave the ship. Kaidan runs through every scenario in his head and how they can escape. He feels absolutely terrified, but also confident.

“Hey, you two, look,” Cortez says not long after then gives them a view of outside.

“Is that...a colony?” Kaidan murmurs.

“But how?” Miranda says. “All sources said that this system was barely explored. But an entire colony?”

“Look...” There, in the distance, stands a small gray building completely out of place against the colony. There. Cal has to be in there. “Can you establish contact?”

“I haven’t gotten through. They have to have seen us by now.”

“Okay. Take us nearby then and we’ll gauge the situation.”

The terrain is uninteresting. An ocean glimmers far, far to the west and a stretch of green hills walls the colony to the south. A few more hills dot the landscape but it’s overall very flat in this area. A few wispy clouds hang in the sky, the setting sun casts it a soft pink.

Cortez lands near the southern border. Kaidan’s heart thumps as he jumps out and he hears Miranda right behind. People are in the distance. No one glances over though, as if they’re all too preoccupied with their tasks to bother. The pair approaches cautiously, their first encounter will be with a small group loading boxes onto a truck. Two asari, a human, and a turian.

“Um, hello?” Kaidan says gingerly.

The group of four immediately stops and turns to them. Kaidan’s slightly alarmed by their robotic movements. “Hello!” the human greets. “Welcome to Mizora. What brings you to our humble colony?”

“We’re surveyors.”

“We were unaware a colony even existed in this system,” Miranda explains.

One of the asari smiles warmly. “A consequence to living so far from a mass relay is the isolation. But we’re a family here, we make due just fine.”

Kaidan and Miranda exchange glances. “Is there, uh, someone in charge here?”

“Yes, of course. I can take you to Korlakh if you wish.”

“Sure, that’d be...great.” They follow the asari through the compound. The colonists closest to them glance briefly at the two strangers but quickly lose interest. Many don’t bother with even that.

“Everything alright, Kaidan?” Cortez’s voice buzzes in his ear.

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “We’re gonna see the person in charge. We’re fine.”

“I’m going to patch the others through.”

The asari stops and turns around. That smile is still etched on her face. “Is everything alright?”

“He was telling me how nice this planets looks,” Miranda lies. “Reminds us of Earth.”

“It is very quaint. I’m happy to be part of the family.” She abruptly starts walking again.

“So where were you before Mizora?”

The asari ignores the question. When Kaidan asks her name, she ignores that too. And when Miranda asks about the reapers, she just keeps walking. They knew before they landed that something was off with the planet. This colony isn’t just unexpected--it feels creepy and ominous. Kaidan and Miranda know they aren’t safe but it isn’t time to bring the others in. Yet. They’re led to a small building that looks like every other.

“Just enter through that door. I know the boss will be very happy to meet visitors.” She disappears. Kaidan and Miranda are alone.

She’s the first to speak. “What the hell?” she whispers harshly. “What’s wrong with these people?”

“It’s like they’re brainwashed. That asteroid...they were controlled by the orb but...I don’t know, it was different. But this has to be their work. Which means these people are innocent. We can’t harm them.”

“Let’s go see this Korlakh. Maybe they’ll give us a clue about the other building.” They approach the door and it slides open. Only one other being is in the room and he stands from a desk. Behind him hangs the crumbling remains of an Eviscerator shotgun--Cal’s personal favorite. He enjoys the relative lightness of it.

“Visitors! What a surprise!” Korlakh bellows. “Please, come sit down.”

Boss Korlakh is a krogan. And just like the people outside, he is welcoming and hospitable. That doesn’t ease Kaidan’s suspicions.

“It’s been ages since we’ve had newcomers. I hope everyone’s been kind.”

“Yeah, that asari was happy to lead us here,” he says. “We didn’t catch her name though.”

“I’m glad,” he says, completely ignoring the second half of that statement. “So what brings you to Mizora? Is there anything we can assist you with?”

“We just came to survey the planet. But as far as we knew, this place was never colonized. We’re surprised to see anyone out here.”

“Yes, we seem to slip under the radar here. But we’re a completely self-reliant and close-knit bunch.”

“So we’ve been told. How long’s the colony been here?”

“Have you met everyone yet? I recommend it. They’re the perfect family. Anyone would be thrilled to have you in their home.”

“Uhh, we’d love to. But I’m just curious how long this ‘family’ has been here.”

“Come! I can introduce you.” The krogan stands and so do they, but Kaidan can’t dance around the subject anymore.

“Hey, we noticed a building out north, just sort of sitting there by itself. What is it?”

The krogan’s expression suddenly darkens and for a moment Kaidan thinks he’ll go into a blood rage. “Nothing you need to concern yourselves with.” Korlakh’s extra foot of height and hundreds of pounds he has on the humans are suddenly very apparent.

“It’s a simple question,” Miranda says unfazed.

“It’s our armory,” he growls. “We need to protect ourselves out here.”

“The Terminus Systems are dangerous. But why place an armory so far out? Wouldn’t that be counterproductive?”

“Enough! I have welcomed you amongst my people yet you spit in our faces. Have I made a mistake?”

Kaidan intervenes. “Can we meet the rest of your people?”

Korlakh’s aura reverts to its previous warmth. “Of course! I’d love to show you around. Please, follow me.”

The krogan may have ‘forgiven’ them but the energy around the compound has morphed. Everyone in the vicinity turns toward them in unison. Their eyes are empty and unblinking. “Is something wrong with them?” It’s a question asked quietly, meant only for Miranda. But she isn’t the one who answers.

“They must be upset over your invasive questions,” Korlakh says. “An offense to one is an offense to all.”

The pair’s eyes meet and they silently agree not to challenge anyone again.

“What the hell are you waiting for?” Aria’s voice comes to life on the radio. She sounds annoyed. “It’d be faster to go in, kill them, explore the building.”

“I’m streaming everyone a view of what’s going on,” Cortez explains.

“Oh, yes. Let’s murder innocent people. That’s a great plan,” Tali scoffs. Kaidan swears he hears Aria’s eyes roll.

Korlakh introduces them to every person along their path. Each colonist stares but once they’re in close proximity, their blank expression turns into a wide smile

“Nice to meet you! Welcome to Mizora!” That same sentence over and over and over...

They meet a few technicians, some farmers, cargo workers. Kaidan is searching for orbs, he finds none during their short journey. For needing so much protection in the Terminus Systems, not a single person is armed and the only weapon they’ve seen is the gun on Korlakh’s wall. Is there a weapon in everyone’s home?

“Is this everyone who lives on the planet?” Kaidan asks.

“Yes. A few fisherman are out in the ocean but their homes are here. It is just a few minutes west after all.”

To the west is flatland that stretches for miles and miles. But they decide to take Korlakh’s word for it. There is no explanation for why only a small portion of land is inhabited. “This has been nice,” Kaidan lies. “But we should return to the shuttle. I’d like to change into something more comfortable now that we know there’s no need for armor.”

The krogan’s face turns blank for a second, as if he’s a computer program glitching out. “Of course! I do hope you’ll return for dinner. I insist.”

“Wouldn’t miss it. We’ll be back soon.”

“Great, I’ll be keeping track of the time. I would hate being lied to.”

Alarming. Kaidan and Miranda control themselves and don’t break into a full-on run while returning to the shuttle. Miranda is the first to hop in, Kaidan looks back before joining her. Korlakh and the entire colony stares at him.

“Go, Cortez.” They fly off immediately, wanting to be as far away from these people as possible. “They’re brainwashed,” he explains to the rest of the crew.

“Like they were on the asteroid?” Garrus asks.

“No, it’s different. They’re...”

“Very happy,” Miranda tells them. “In a very creepy and abnormal way. But if you ask the wrong questions then that quickly changes.”

“Korlakh is the only one who gave us his name. No one asked ours. They ignored questions about how long the colony’s been here and about the reapers hanging out above them. They didn’t even look at us when we first walked through and then we came out and everyone stared the entire time.”

Cortez speaks. “Once the sun sets completely, we can try circling around and sneaking up from the north to get to the building.”

“Yeah, that won’t take long. He also said the only other people out here were fisherman. A short walk to the west apparently...”

“I think he actually believes it’s that close,” Miranda adds.

They return to the ship and pick up their remaining passengers. Kaidan wants to explore the northern land. Cortez takes them far out so they won’t be spotted. A few hills and some strange looking animals decorate the otherwise plain fields. Korlakh told the truth--no other humans or aliens exist here. They hit a lake that will eventually empty out into the ocean and see more hills that block off the eastern side. Once the sun disappears behind the horizon, not a single light can be seen in the area.

“Okay, Steve, take us in.”

More lights illuminate the colony than they expect once they travel back south. But the gray building remains shrouded in darkness. Cortez flies them in slow and careful.

“Land here,” Kaidan orders. “We’ll approach on foot.”

Everyone else exits. “Kaidan,” Cortez starts. “I’ll follow your orders. If you want me to pilot the shuttle in case of any unexpected situations, I will.”

The spectre looks at the other pilot. He looks young and determined. “How confident are you in his skills?”

“Very confident,” he vouches. “I trained him myself. He’s one of the best pilot’s James has ever had.”

“And what about you? Are you up for the challenge?”

“Yes, sir,” Lieutenant Moreno says. “I understand the importance of this mission and I want to assist however I can. I can adapt to whatever situation arises in order to keep everyone safe.”

He nods. “Steve trusts you, I will as well.” He shakes his hand. “I’m sending you and Bray the coordinates I want you to meet at. Keep in radio contact.”

“Aye, sir.”

Cortez and Kaidan join the others. The inside of that building is unknown, they do need everyone for this mission and Steve deserves to be there when they find Cal. Kaidan leads the way forward. The building has no windows, no back entrance. Expected. Each team slowly circles a different side, guns aimed ahead, biotics at the ready. Kaidan rounds the corner before James. Waiting a short distance away is Korlakh, an Eviscerator pointed right at him. Is this the same broken weapon that was hanging on the wall? Two guards stand behind him.

“Stay back, Vega!” Kaidan orders and holds an arm out to stop his side of the crew. He walks towards the front of the building slowly. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m not dumb. Of course you were going to meddle where you don’t belong.”

“Where are the other colonists?”

“I would never risk their lives! These guards have already dedicated themselves to protect this place. You don’t belong here! Either leave or die.”

“What’s in this building?” he demands. “What are you hiding?” _Who?_ “If you don’t tell me, I’ll kill every one of those colonists myself!”

“Ha! I know you’re bluffing. I change my mind, you’re too dangerous to let go.” He blasts Kaidan with his shotgun.

His barrier absorbs it and then chaos ensues. He tries to throw him but Korlakh dodges it. The attack does send one guard flying. The other shoots around wildly. Kaidan sees a lash from the corner of his eye and watches it hit that guard. It smacks him right in the head. The gun stops and blood spews. Aria’s handiwork. Kaidan tries to hit Korlakh with a warp but he rolls out of the way again. The krogan is surprisingly agile. Kaidan tries to go for the guard instead. Once he’s distracted by the major, a barrage of bullets rains on the guard. Kaidan’s head turns for half a second to see James’ gun raised. That leaves him able to concentrate solely on Korlakh.

The krogan tries to cryo blast him but neither can land an attack. Kaidan tells his crew not to interfere. Another shell bounces off his barrier and he grunts. Kaidan wonders if this is somehow the true Korlakh or if he’s under just as much control as the others. He regrets killing the guards but he doesn’t have time to think about regretting Korlakh’s death.

He throws a mine in front of Kaidan and it plants itself into the ground. He takes the opportunity to reload. The major does his best to skid to a stop but the mini explosion blasts him onto his side. His rifle flies off into the dark.

“Even if you get past me, you’ll never escape Mizora!” The krogan charges.

“Fucking watch me,” Kaidan growls and leaps up. He charges too. His group will enter the building, they will emerge with Cal, they will leave this planet. Everything else is a distraction they can’t afford. He can’t take a barreling krogan head-on, he knows that. Kaidan musters all his strength and use it all in his next throw. It hits its mark and Korlakh flies backwards. He tumbles onto the ground, gun dropping in the grass. It’s still close enough to grab. Kaidan keeps running then uses all his weight to stomp as hard as he can on Korlakh’s hand. Maybe he imagines it, but Kaidan feels and hears the sickening crack of bones. The krogan snarls and then Kaidan is on top of him.

“Where’s Cal?!” he screams. “I know he’s here, I know you have him! You’ll never keep him from me!”

Even with one hand useless, Korlakh uses the other to grab Kaidan’s arm and yank him off. He fights but the krogan uses his extra weight to pin him on his back. His own rifle is gone but the shotgun...

“Even if your friends live, you must die, Kaidan Alenko.”

A shotgun blasts into the krogan’s head. Again and again until the clip is empty. One of Korlakh’s eyes is gone, blood spills out of his wounds. Kaidan shoves him off and rolls up onto his knees. “What’s down there?” he asks the dying krogan.

He doesn’t answer but his functioning hand reaches down to his belt. Kaidan doesn’t stop him. No gun fits in there and any kind of blade can be easily thwarted. Korlakh pulls out some sort of square disk and shakily holds it out. “Save...them,” Korlakh gurgles before his body twists unnaturally and the last bit of life leaves him forever.

Kaidan grabs the disk that falls into the grass and stares at the corpse. Someone runs up and kneels beside him. Garrus.

“Are you okay?”

Kaidan nods.

“Come on then. We need to go.” Garrus’ arm wraps around his waist and hauls him up. Kaidan snaps out of his daze.

“Yeah. Who knows if others saw the commotion? I don’t want to have to fight them too.” He can feel eight sets of eyes on him as he approaches the steel double doors. Off to the side is a panel and inside the panel is a slot where the square disk fits perfectly. It lights up, flashing as it reads whatever secrets the disk contains. It beeps then the doors come to life and begin sliding open. He grabs the disk when it’s finished.

“Get ready!”

But when they look inside, nothing but a warehouse looks back. Kaidan’s gun lowers as he walks inside, though his barrier remains activated. The warehouse is obviously a trick and they need to find the real entrance.

“Pushing this big red button by the door!” Vega calls out. His fist mashes it and the door closes. Good, don’t want the colonists interfering.

“Moreno, Bray, do you copy?” Kaidan asks.

_“Loud and clear.”_

_“Yeah.”_

He rolls his eyes. “How’s the colony look? Anyone heading our way?”

 _“Negative,”_ the lieutenant answers. _“Not a single person is outside.”_

“Hm, strange. Alright, everyone, let’s search for the entrance!” He’s making his way to the back first. Large crates line part of the wall and sit on platforms, broken electronics are strewn across the floor.

“Wouldn’t it be amusing if this is just the armory he claimed?”

Kaidan didn’t realize someone followed him. “Hilarious,” he deadpans to Aria.

She glances around. “We’re close,” she says quietly.

“Yeah. We are.”

“Look, a console. Behind that junk.”

She’s right. It looks out of power and broken but there it is, small and unassuming.”Edi!” he calls. “Broken console back here!” He looks around for a generator. Just as Edi approaches, he finds it. “I’ll fix this.” It’s a quick ordeal and everything hums as it comes to life.

“It’s heavily encrypted,” Edi says. “This may take some time.”

“This is insane,” he mutters when he returns to Aria’s side again.

“This warehouse or this situation?”

“Both. We should start moving these crates.”

They walk up to the closest stack and biotically push them away from the wall. Liara and Miranda do the same. It’s slow going.

“Kaidan, I need Korlakh’s key!”

Vega grabs it from him and runs it down to Edi. She inserts it into a slot near the screen and they all listen as the sound of metal screeches and rumbles. It comes from the west wall, near the front entrance. The four biotics rush over and use their combined power to scoot the massive weight back.

Variations of ‘There it is!’ echo from the others but they don't stop pushing until the underground entrance is fully exposed. There’s the staircase that will lead him to Cal after all this time. “Be ready for anything,” he warns and then he takes the first step down.

Their footsteps rumble like distant thunder. Dim lights lead them into a long, dingy room. “Alright,” Kaidan begins, “let’s split into our-” He freezes when the door straight ahead opens. Multiple things skitter into the room and everyone dives for cover just before guns start blazing. “Are those colonists? Did anyone get a look?” He sees Garrus with his sniper rifle. As soon as there’s a break in fire, he sneaks a peek from his cover. When he takes a shot, Kaidan has his answer.

“That thing looks like a husk,” Garrus says. “But with a gun. And not quite as pretty. Their eyes are red, should make them easy to spot in the dark.”

“Who cares what they are? This means we can kill them, Alenko.” Aria tosses a lift grenade.

“Miranda, use a pull when-” The grenade explodes and Miranda does just that. He shoots one of the creatures as Tali sends a combat drone out. It distracts the creatures enough for James to crawl close enough to grab and drag the body to their position. Kaidan stares.

Obviously it was alive, but it isn’t alive. The gun shot wound isn’t even bleeding. It’s something akin to a zombie or husk--sickly pale gray skin, ribs visible, dead eyes entirely black. Whoever they used to be, those people are long gone. These creatures deserve to be put out of their misery. He pushes the corpse away, a battle still raging around them.

Liara casts a singularity and multiple creatures are swept up in it. Kaidan and Miranda send simultaneous warps and the attacks detonate. Another drone keeps a couple more cornered and Garrus takes them both out cleanly. The fight doesn’t last long against nine fighters with lifetimes of experience. They walk the room, examine all the bodies.

“Are these former colonists?” Liara wonders aloud.

“Korlakh told me to save them...I thought he just meant from Leviathan’s control, like the miners. But what if...”

“There’s nothing we can do for these creatures,” Miranda reminds him. “But we can still save the others.”

“I know. Let’s move out. James, what’s through that other door?”

“Nothin’. Looks like a ransacked closet.”

Everyone is silently relieved they don’t need to separate yet. They walk through the only other exit and Kaidan proceeds to lead them through a string of hallways. He watches vents in the ceilings, cracks along the wall, and wonders where the hell they’re going. “There’s a fork up ahead.” At least that’s an indication that they’re moving forward. Part of him fears they’ve somehow been tricked, cursed into roaming the same hallway for the rest of their lives.

“Moreno, Bray, you still there?”

_“It’s fuzzy but yes, sir.”_

_“Same on this end. Outside situation’s the same.”_

“Okay. We’ll keep straight. James, you guys go right. Maybe the halls will join up again.”

“We’ll contact you if we find anything.”

And then they finally break off into their groups. Kaidan’s team is powerful, but the sudden loss of five people makes him feel exposed. He imagines everyone feels the same. After a few more minutes, they hit a wall. A door stands on the left and on the right. He nods to the right and Garrus checks it out first.

“Looks like a dead end,” he says, walking farther in. The walls rise considerably and it’s much taller than the confining halls. “There’s not much to hide behind for an ambush.”

But they all hear the clink of metal. Garrus’ gaze darts upward and then he dives out of the way as something whips down to where he was just standing. Edi shoots her pistol and Aria uses her lash. The creature falls to the ground in a heap. Kaidan approaches cautiously while Edi continues to watch the ceiling. He keeps his gun pointed as he kicks at it.

“Contact James and warn him,” he tells Edi.

“This is fucking disgusting,” Aria says. Not the colonists possibly being turned, but this thing itself.

It looks a little different from the ones they fought in the first room. Its jaw and throat are severely disfigured and swollen, and it’s easy to know why. What lashed at Garrus was its long, thick tongue.

“One more thing to look out for. Let’s check out the left side.”

The other room looks different. The middle section is blocked off with glass walls. Inside it, various beds are shoved together. Each has straps to confine whatever unfortunate person ended up here. Multiple devices point down but this place looks like it’s been abandoned for a century. The side opposite of them has a console shielded by more glass. What kind of experiments happened here? Is this where colonists were turned? The thought makes Kaidan ill. There’s an exit from this awful room on the right and with one last look around, they leave. It takes them into a narrow hall lined with numerous doors.

A quick look through the tiny windows reveals each room to be a cell. With as far down as they walk, there must be dozens. How many of these blocs exist throughout this place? The end of the prison has them emerging into a large room with a single dim light for the entirety of the space. It must’ve been some sort of office at one point in its existence. They switch their own flashlights on for aid. A staircase at the end is their next destination. It’s wide enough for the four of them to stand together comfortably.

“Anything useful before we move on?” he asks.

“Nothing of note,” Edi answers. “There still isn’t any indication of who exactly this facility belongs to. Or if this is truly the place where these colonists are being turned--if they’re being turned at all, or if these creatures have a different origin.”

“This place looks like it hasn’t been used in a very, very long time,” Garrus comments.

“Cut the chatter and look,” Aria snaps, glowing blue. The door at the top of the stairs is missing and creatures start pouring through. They trip over each other, tumbling down. Edi incinerates them. Garrus is already behind cover, waiting for opportunities to take out the ones intelligent enough to shoot. Kaidan and Aria tag team with their biotics. Then they hear a roar loud enough to deafen the room. The creatures stop, Garrus snipes one. Edi keeps attacking the fallen monsters before they can stand. Kaidan aims his rifle at the top of the stairs and then he sees _it_.

Kaidan puts it at over seven feet. Its arms and legs look like thick gnarled branches, its red eyes brighter than a reaper’s laser. A chill runs up his spine at the sight of large talons. He’s reminded of banshees. But then it smiles, grin larger than what should be physically possible, to show off rows of sharp teeth reminiscent of a vorcha’s. The creature's head snaps back farther than natural and it roars again before launching off the staircase. Kaidan jumps into action, hearing the hail of bullets already hitting it. The throw Kaidan uses only stumbles and slows its rapid run just enough for him to roll out of the way.

Edi finishes off the remaining creatures. The large monster focuses its energy on Kaidan. It moves quickly but luckily for him, is slowed when climbing over obstacles. Every time he slides across a desk or hops a railing, his squad attacks even harder. But the room is only so big and running in circles isn’t a strategy. He bolts to the stairs, hoping to expose it to his companions, hoping to gain some leverage, risking that the area beyond this next door will save him.

He throws a warp behind him blindly and knows it didn’t hit. His legs carry him halfway before it catches him. It swings its heavy arm and Kaidan watches talons curl around his stomach before he’s flung down the steps. His body smacks against the floor and he rolls into a desk. In his daze, he sees someone leaping in front of him. Garrus. Before the monster can jump on them, it catches on fire and then Aria uses her flare. The detonation is large enough to rocket it into the wall and to make Garrus throw himself over Kaidan to protect him from the blast. Once they’re absolutely positive its red eyes turn black and it’s dead, they rush to join Garrus. He and Aria help Kaidan to his feet.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she bites out.

“It worked,” he pants.

“Barely.”

“It was an extremely dangerous thing to do,” Edi agrees.

“You okay?” Garrus asks.

He nods but that makes his head hurt. “Can someone check on James?”

Edi does. “James, what’s your status?” A few seconds later, “He says he’s busy. There was gunfire.”

“He’ll contact us when it’s clear. Come on.” He drinks down juice to restore the calories and energy drained from the fight. The others take the lead.

The next room would’ve made the fight fairer. It’s much, much bigger and has many more areas of cover. Kaidan grumbles. To their relief, it’s devoid of enemies. A tram is on the left, leading into a dark abyss that slopes downwards into the ground.

James’ voice crackles on the radio. “We’re moving. Ran into a couple packs of those things but nothing serious yet.”

Kaidan updates him on their fight. “An incinerate and flare combo finally took it out after a lot of bullets and attacks before that. I also got tossed down some stairs.”

_“Shit, are you okay?”_

“Yeah. Headache now but what else is new? What are your surroundings?”

_“We’ve passed through a bunch of labs, looks like some crazy stuff went down here. We’re approaching an elevator. I think it still works. Gonna take it down and see what we find.”_

“Okay, keep me updated.”

_“Will do. Vega out.”_

“The power’s out!” Edi calls near the tram.

“Of course it is,” Aria mutters.

A console isn’t too far off and Garrus goes over to it. After some work, the entire place lights up and the tram regains power. The tunnel remains black.

“Moreno, Bray, do you copy?” he asks and approaches the tram. There’s heavy static. He can hear their voices but it’s impossible to make out words. He can’t say he’s surprised. “We’ll lose complete contact once we’re deeper. Let’s go.”

The four board the car and Kaidan sets them off. He stands at the front, watching their descent through glass pane. There’s no way to estimate the distance. No one says a word. They’re too busy listening to their surroundings. However, nothing sounds but the hum of the tram. Deeper and deeper they move, and then a ring of blue light illuminates the tunnel as they pass by. No one flinches but they’re all startled. The light seems nothing more than that though--a blue ring around the tunnel. Another activates, then another and another, until they’re bathed entirely in soft blue light. A stark contrast to the rest of this facility. The tram finally slows to a stop and Kaidan wonders exactly how far underground they are. He steps out and when his boot hits the ground, the entire floor lights up like a circuit board. Harsh white light stretches out straight in front of him and also veers down a large corridor to the left. He isn’t sure which way to go and dividing into pairs is very unwise. The other three come next to him and together, they watch the path straight ahead turn blue.

“Cal...” Kaidan whispers. “Come on!” They run, following the lights as they twist and break away from other paths like a maze. Cal has to be close. He’s leading them directly to him.

_I’ll be with you soon._

They turn right and the lights end at a door so abruptly, they nearly crash into it. A red halo taunts them.

“I’ll hack it,” Edi says, already on her omni-tool.

Kaidan’s heart pounds against his ribs. Is this it? Is this the final barrier between him and Cal?

The door’s light turns green.

“Weapons ready,” he says. His voice is quiet but everyone hears.

Kaidan takes a deep breath, and he opens the door.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a fun chapter last time, yeah?

Kaidan truly believes Cal waits for him beyond this door. Within milliseconds, that fantasy is destroyed.

Two large pillars stand in the center of this next room. Electricity, energy, _something_ crackles from the floor to the ceiling. A tall pipe attaches them on the ground, energy webs all throughout the metallic ceiling. A couple more pipes spike out to the sides to connect into dual consoles on the walls. They light up like quasar machines in a casino. Kaidan hones in on the other side of the room. Two sets of stairs lead up to another door. Guarding it are two talon monsters, numerous armed creatures, and a horde of husk-like monsters.

“Two tongues on the walls!” Garrus shouts. Everything moves at once.

Kaidan tries to throw one as he drops to the floor. Through the railing’s reinforced glass panels, Kaidan can see the horde charging forward. The tongues need to be dealt with first though. One crawls low along the left wall. His squad focuses their fire on it while they still have time. Kaidan aims his gun, not wanting to drain energy with biotics yet. The beast falls dead before its grotesque tongue ever has the chance to leave its mouth. “Aria, toss a grenade!”

The husks are climbing over the pipes and each other. As soon as the first group hurdles over, the grenade explodes and shoots them right up into the air. Garrus tries to take down as many as he can. Kaidan leaps over the railing and rolls behind cover. That gets the second tongue moving. It scours the wall, dodging a lash and avoiding an incinerate. Kaidan lets his companions distract it as he focuses his rifle on the others. The talons are rooted to their spots and he wonders if they simply want to observe for now. He sends out a throw when the right bunch of pipes gets crowded and he notices that the area between the pillars remain empty. Something flits in his peripheral vision. When he looks, he sees a lump of mangled gray flesh. The tongue’s...tongue dangles limply from where its jaw and throat got blown off. It plunks onto the ground and Kaidan assumes it’s dead. But it suddenly slithered towards him, tongue dragging behind as it moves faster than he thought capable. He cryo blasts it and before he can shoot, Aria vaults over the rail and stomps right on it. There is no doubt its crushed corpse is dead.

“We need to take out those guns,” Aria growls. “And we won’t do that from back here.”

He points at the consoles. The parts connecting to the pipes make it L-shaped and can provide head-on protection. He pokes his head out and shoots one of the guns trying to make its way over. “Edi, over here!”

Her pistols goes off a few more times before she rolls over to them and reloads. “What is it?”

“We can’t let them corner us here. Look, to the right!” More husks crawl over the pipes and the console. In the middle of them are two gun wielders attempting to push through. Edi hits them with incinerate.

Aria and Garrus focus on other enemies. Kaidan sets off the detonation with a warp and the explosion sends the creatures flying.

“Kaidan, the pillars!”

They all watch one of the monsters launch right into the electricity. It disintegrates. He realizes why the creatures scramble, why the tongues refuse to crawl even near the ceiling, why none of them try to climb over the middle pipe--they know the pillars are deadly.

“Aria, you take left. Edi, right. I’ll support you from the middle.”

“Are you sure that position is wise?”

“They’re avoiding it, that makes it perfect. Move out.”

They run to their positions. As Kaidan ducks behind his new cover, he makes eye contact with one of the talons. Those red eyes bore into him and his stomach burns exactly where the monster’s hand grabbed him earlier.

_“Ay, Kaidan!”_

“Little busy here, James!” he shouts over the radio.

_“We found something big.”_

He throws a few husks from Edi and sees another get sniped before he goes back down. “What is it?”

Now it’s Cortez. _“The orbs on Despoina? We found a room with four of them. But...they’re different. There’s this blue electricity stuff keeping them in the air. Biotics, guns, tech overloads. None of our attacks are working.”_

Kaidan is going to answer but then a talon screams louder than the crackling pillars. The energy protecting the orbs must be streaming from in here.

 _“What the hell was that?”_ Miranda asks.

“Fuck, another talon. Stay at your location!” he orders them. “We’ll figure it out after. Don’t touch that electricity!” He reloads as the creature runs down the stairs. The other stays perched above and he isn’t sure why. “We have the advantage. Attack before it climbs over.” His squad attacks with everything they have. Like the previous talon, it focuses on Kaidan. Despite the large pipe dividing them, terror still lances through him when it sprints directly at him. A cryo blast slows it and he leaps back. It’s the only creature that dares attack through the middle. Its talons scrape and clamor against the metal of the pipe.

“The dumb ones are down!” Aria shouts. She send out a lash so hard, Kaidan sees a head fly through the air.

“The creatures with weapons are now disposed of as well!” Edi adds.

Another roar.

The second one finally moves. Kaidan doesn’t have time to watch as the other finally makes it over. It’s injured but not enough to stop it in time. They’re fucked on both sides. Edi and Aria have to turn their focus away from guarding their positions in order to help eliminate the immediate threat. It grins as Kaidan bolts away and it runs right after him. He tries to dive over the short battier behind him but long twisted fingers wrap around his leg and yank him up. He panics and tries to drive his omni-blade into its wrist. It crunches right into it, but the monster holds fast. It smiles again then flicks a two-pronged tongue at him. It’s taunting him. Its hand squeezes, cracking his armor in an attempt to crush his leg.

One of its eyes suddenly explodes and it rears back, dropping Kaidan in the process. He uses his biotics to keep him from crashing into the ground. Garrus shot it directly in the eye. The entire ordeal lasts less than half a minute, though for Kaidan it feels much longer. He wastes no time. He hits it with an overload and immediately follows with his warp. The combo attack drains its last bit of life and its single red eye turns black.

They have no time to dwell on it though. The second one climbs over the console. Kaidan immediately jumps to the other side to circle round and shoot. They’re all so tired. Fight, after fight, after fight takes its toll and Kaidan doesn’t have a whole lot of energy left.

_For Cal. We’re almost to Cal._

He throws another warp, panting and reloading his rifle. Aria runs and shouts something to Edi. Incinerate plus flare. The talon staggers between the pillars, half its body seared. Kaidan, Edi, and Garrus watch Aria blaze bright with biotic energy. Then she charges. She tackles the seven foot beast, biotics flaring harder, and together they fall into the pillar of light.

“Aria!” Kaidan screams and the three sprint over. The talon shrieks and a body disintegrates. Did Aria really just sacrifice herself? Kaidan’s heart thuds. “Aria!”

And then they see her shakily push herself up, light thrumming around her. She’s okay. He’s the first one there, sticking his hand directly into the pillar. The energy hums through his body like biotics but stronger. Warmth caresses him and restores his energy, like a lover’s embrace, like _his_ lover’s embrace. Aria grabs his hand and lets him pull her up onto solid ground. She looks absolutely exhausted.

“Aria...” Garrus mutters.

A glare is set on her face as she picks up her gun.

“There was no evidence you would survive,” Edi states. “You attacked expecting to die.”

Her glare softens until she only looks mildly annoyed. She stares off at the other door. “Shepard...is a friend,” she says simply. She looks at Kaidan. “We need to unlock that door.”

He nods. Garrus and Edi inspect the consoles. “James!” he says. “Talk to me.”

_“Still nothing. Everything okay on your end? Sounded pretty hot over there.”_

“It was a rough fight but we made it. I think...I think we’re close to him.”

_“Oh shit, we should-”_

“You guys should stay there. Our locations are far apart and we need to find a way to destroy those orbs. They must be what’s controlling the colonists.”

James doesn’t sound happy but, _“Fine. Bring him home, Kaidan. Vega out.”_

“This thing’s got an easy decryption on it,” Garrus calls.

“This one is simple as well,” Edi says from the other wall. “They need to be activated at the same time.”

They begin the sequence and Kaidan looks at them. Then he runs. He runs as hard as he can. He flies across the room, up the stairs. This is it, this has to be it. It’s why all those creatures-

The red circle on the door changes to green and slides open. The others are sprinting too but he goes without them through the small hallway. He can hear more crackling, see blue electricity lighting up the room ahead. It feels like miles until he emerges from the other side. His heart and lungs clench so hard he thinks he might die. But that would be worth it because at the opposite side...is Cal. After two and a half years of believing his lover dead, Cal stands just meters away. Cal led them directly to him and now he and Kaidan are finally reunited.

The other three run in behind him. He barely hears the gasps.

“We have to release him,” Kaidan says. Because Cal isn’t safe yet. Electricity swirls wildly throughout the room but they’re no longer scared. Cal’s legs and arm are bound and he’s unconscious. It reminds Kaidan of how they found Legion three years ago.

“Just break the shackles,” Aria tells him.

He shakes his head. “No, that won’t work. This is like with Legion. Someone find a switch or something.”

“Kaidan, they wouldn’t-” Garrus starts.

“Found it!” Edi exclaims.

He runs up to Cal’s final prison and waits. He still wears his armor. Much of it’s gone, the rest of the deep red armor charred black. The skin on his leg is burnt. Half his chest and left arm are exposed. But instead of skin, Kaidan sees unnatural black staining his chest. It webs down his torso, along his arm, up his neck, and brushes his face. He looks half-synthetic. What the hell have they done to him?

Edi presses her hands against a panel and they hear an explosion in the other room. Where they stand, the light strikes like lightning against the walls before dying out. The shackles groan and begin pulling back. Cal’s feet are freed first and his hands immediately after. They fall to his sides and then Cal collapses right into Kaidan’s arms.

Nothing else in the universe matters anymore except the solid weight of Cal pressing against Kaidan’s body. Tears spill down his face. Cal is here, he’s real. Everything Kaidan fought through led him right to this room, right to the savior of the galaxy, right to Garrus’ and Miranda’s and everyone’s best friend. It led his lover back into his arms.

“K-Kaidan,” a hoarse voice whispers.

He pulls back to get a glimpse of that face...Cal’s eyes are barely open but it’s enough for Kaidan to see the green eyes he’s stared into a million times in the past.

“You came...”

“Of course I came,” he breathes. “I’m here, we’re all here. We’re taking you home.” There’s one thing he’s dreamed of saying to him every night since the war ended. “I love you, Cal.” A weak hand brushes him briefly.

“I love you too, Kay.”

Cal grows limper and passes out again. But they’ll make him better. He will heal. They just have to get him out of here first. Garrus, Edi, and Aria surround them, unable to believe that Shepard truly stands before them. This is what they fought for. The mission is a success.

_“You guys aren’t going to believe what just happened!”_

“Edi,” Kaidan says quietly. “Will you please respond?”

She nods. “What happened, James?” Her voice is soft as well.

As James speaks--stuff about electricity vanishing, glass orbs exploding--Kaidan sort of feels like he’s underwater. James’ voice sounds muffled, Kaidan feels like he’s drifting in the tide. Garrus walks closer to them, staring at Cal’s wild messy hair. He holds his hands out and Kaidan watches them shake. He places one on Shepard’s shoulder then another gently against his neck. Garrus seems almost scared that Cal might shatter in their arms.

“He’s here,” Garrus whispers.

“Yeah, he is. We did it.” He kisses Cal’s head. “We need to get him out of here.”

“James is returning to the entrance,” Edi informs them. “He’ll make sure the way remains clear.”

Kaidan nods then carefully lifts Cal over his shoulders. “Let’s go.”

They walk back through the hall and the giant pillars of electricity are gone. The room is silent and empty of life.

“Edi...please tell me you remember the way to the tram,” Garrus says.

“Of course I do. Follow me.”

They retrace their steps through the winding hallways, no blue lights to guide them this time around. It’s dark and Kaidan doesn’t want to know what lurks down the other corridors. They run onto the tram and begin their ascent. Garrus grabs Shepard off Kaidan and sits him against the wall. This ride will take a few minutes. They sit down on either side of him to keep him upright. Edi observes Shepard quietly. Aria stares a few moments before muttering, “This asshole really can survive anything.”

They all have to laugh a bit at that. “Yeah,” Garrus agrees. “He’s pretty good at that.”

When the tram stops, the others offer to carry Shepard but Kaidan declines and hauls him back up. They walk over to the door, back down the stairs Kaidan was tossed from--a shudder racks up his spine. They keep walking.

“Moreno, Bray, do you copy?”

_“Yes, sir, I’m here!”_

_“About damn time!”_

“We’re all coming out. The mission was a success. What’s the situation up there?”

 _“The colonists are outside,”_ the lieutenant tells him. _“They’re wandering around but nothing more.”_

“They should be freed from whatever spell they were under. I’ll have to inform the Council or the Alliance...Moreno, get on the ground in front of this building. Cal needs to get to Chakwas immediately and return to the Citadel.”

_“Yes, sir.”_

“Alenko out.” But he needs to inform two more people. “Hey, Joker, you there?”

“Uh, yeah. What the hell’s going on down there? Moreno said you guys lost contact.”

“We had to go deep underground. Tell Chakwas to get ready. We got Cal.”

“You got...holy shit. Yeah, yeah, I’m on it...”

“I need you to contact the Council too. These colonists need to be rescued.”

“I’ll establish a line.”

“We’ll be there soon.” As they pass through the lab, Kaidan tries to force images of Cal being experimented on out of his mind.

 _“We’re outside. You’re good,”_ James says.

“I want to check on those colonists. Take the shuttle over there and meet us on board the ship. It’s going to be a few more minutes for us and it’s better we get a confirmation on their condition. We’ll have Bray take us up.” 

_“Do you want to contact the Alliance?”_

“...Not yet. I have Joker getting the Council. They’re more aware of the situation, it’ll be easier to explain.”

_“Okay, we’re already over here. We’ll check on these people and see you soon.”_

They pass the hallway James’ team had taken. Kaidan knows everyone is eager to see Cal but they can’t just abandon the people here. They’re victims too. The ship Aria and Bray flew from Omega is small. They board and take off quickly. This time when offered, Kaidan lets Garrus take Cal.

_“They are definitely confused.”_

“Do they have any idea where they are?”

_“No. They didn’t even know the war was over. Told them we were Alliance and that they’d be picked up and taken to the Citadel soon.”_

“I hate just leaving them like that but Cal needs medical attention.”

_“I know. They’ll be fine, Major.”_

“You on your way up?”

_“Yes.”_

“Miranda,” Kaidan says. “Are you there?”

_“I’m here.”_

“I want you in there with Chakwas. James’ doc will be there too but you put him together once before. I-I don’t know much about the synthetic stuff in him.”

_“Okay. I’ll do whatever I can to help.”_

“We’re approaching the ship now.”

Once they’re connected, Kaidan runs. Garrus isn’t far behind. Everyone on James’ crew lines up to see the great Commander Shepard, the hero believed to be dead for so long. Waiting at the door of the med bay is Joker and Chakwas. They’re stunned. But there’s time for little else. Kaidan watches Garrus put him down carefully on the bed.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He talked to me for a second before passing out again. Miranda should be here in a minute,” Kaidan quickly rattles off. “Joker, the Council?”

“Waiting for you.” His voice sounds distant, distracted.

He starts for the door then adds, “Keep the shutters open for a few minutes if you can. The others deserve to see him too.” He takes off again, mentally preparing for this call. The briefing room waits for him, the comm line blinks. His expression hardens and the Council appears before him.

“Spectre Alenko.” The asari doesn’t sound so surprised. “It’s been a while. Your--or rather Commander Vega’s--pilot said this was of the utmost urgency.”

“We have Shepard,” he states. “We’re on our way to the Citadel, he needs a hospital.” They’re silent for a few seconds.

“Truly? Multiple tests will need to be run but...how?”

“I was right all along. And the hospital will do the tests that _they_ deem necessary. He’s not your science experiment. I’m uploading our location. There’s a colony here. I believe they were under leviathan control. They didn’t know the war was over so they must’ve been abducted two, three years ago. They’re freed now and they need transportation and medical attention as well.”

“We have agents in the Terminus Systems. We’ll send for the colony. How did you know where to go?”

“He sent me a message and we traced the source back to this planet. I was never making anything up, the proof is alive and on this ship. I haven’t informed the Alliance yet. I came to you first because you’re familiar with the situation.”

“Even we can’t keep news like this quiet for long.”

“I’m aware.”

“His transportation to Huerta Memorial will be waiting on your arrival. We’ll speak more once you’re on the Citadel. Spectre...good work.”

The conversation ends and he checks his own messages. He has one and he reads it over.

_‘Bray and I are going back to Omega. Keep me updated.’_

He’s surprised. ‘I will. Thank you for everything you did.’ He expected Aria to stick around for at least a little while.

The conversation with the Council went more smoothly than he thought. Something dark whispers in his head about it but it’s an irrational nervousness, most likely brought on by his and the Council’s last talk. He’s a spectre and their ‘house arrest’ had been a ridiculous idea. Now that they have Cal? It’s completely irrelevant. He walks back out and sees his friends huddled in front of the med bay windows. The entire ship has a quiet energy to it now. He joins them and looks inside. The three women work around Cal. He and Chakwas meet eyes and he nods. She nods back and the shutters close so they can work in privacy.

Everyone still has their filthy, grimy armor on, their weapons still strapped. Who has time to change during a moment like this? The others watch Kaidan grab his pistol and rifle and place them on the ground near the wall. Everyone stands still, and then they do the same. Protocol generally says not to leave weapons lying around, but these are special circumstances. His gloved hand touches the window he can’t see through but where he knows Cal rests just a few feet away.

Relief. Happiness. Those words don’t feel strong enough to describe what he feels. But mingled with those emotions is a deep feeling of regret. He thinks about the first time Cal talked to him through the VI. Kaidan had turned his back on him and run away in fear. He could’ve saved him sooner, he could’ve spared Cal a few moments of pain. So much wasted time. He can’t help but wonder if the signs had been there earlier, if Cal had been trying to contact him since the very beginning.

His fingers curl against the glass. Does it matter now? Cal is here, that’s the important thing. Will he forgive Kaidan for coming to his rescue so late?

_‘I love you too, Kay.’_

His hand falls to his side. Deep down, he knows the answer. Cal will never hate him. It doesn’t absolve his guilt but Kaidan will never let anything like this happen ever again. He will protect him until he’s better, however long that takes, and when Cal is ready, they’ll fight on together.

Tears are in his eyes as he turns to his friends. He feels so, so tired. “I...” But he shakes his head. No words will come.

_‘I love you, Cal.’_

He tries to take a step forward, but Kaidan drops to his knees instead. The tears fall and he starts crying. Garrus is the first one next to him, hugging him and feeling the exact same way. Kaidan can do nothing other than cry, loud sobs shaking his whole body. Cal saw him, Cal knew he came for him. It’s been so long since he heard a whispered _‘I love you’_ in his ear. It seems like an entirely different lifetime ago. His eyes close, the only things he sees are Cal’s warm eyes and bright smile. He hears his beautiful laughter, hears the moans he makes in the throes of pleasure. He hears word for word Cal insisting it isn’t Blasto on that fucking dancing hanar shirt. He drinks in all his happy memories as he and Garrus cling onto each other. And then he feels another person touching. Liara. Then Steve kneels down and hugs them too. Tali, and James, and Edi. They all sit right there on the floor and cry together. They’ve earned this raw moment.

They did it. The mission they risked everything for is a success. Cal is finally back where he belongs.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been over a year...sorry about that. I post even more writing over at **gaycalshepard.tumblr.com**

The only reason Kaidan agrees to go in the waiting room and leave Cal alone with the doctors at Huerta Memorial is because Chakwas is also there. The trip back to the Citadel felt like an eternity. Sitting in the med-bay felt unreal. Now he’s sitting with all his friends and it feels like too much.

The Council, at least, agreed to give him some time before they speak in person. They also said they’d get in touch with the Alliance. Kaidan expects to see Hackett sometime in the next few days. How long before news spreads?

Messages have been sent to all the old Normandy crew. Edi handled it for him and that’s one more reason he’s grateful to her. Most of the responses were of course disbelief, them asking if this was some sort of joke. Then more disbelief. They’re all on their way. The only one to contact him directly was Wrex. Kaidan knows he and Cal are good friends and like with Tali, he feels bad that he didn’t even think to contact anyone else. But the most important message he sent on the way here was to his mom. His hands shook so badly he could barely type, said he’d explain everything in person. He sent her a picture of Cal so she wouldn’t think her son was crazy, that probably didn’t actually help matters.

He eventually leaves the waiting room, the noise of chatter just too overwhelming to his senses right now. They’ll contact him if a doctor comes out, when Cal’s able to take visitors.

He remembers when he was a patient here. His eyes close as he leans against a wall in an empty hallway. The war was brewing, the situation between him and Cal was...less than ideal. Kaidan almost died. The pain Cal must’ve felt...well, he knows. They talked about it extensively. They repaired their relationship, moved past Horizon. They ended the war. And soon, they’ll be able to enjoy a peaceful life together. Leviathan lurks in the back of his mind but whatever their plans are and however Cal fits into them, they can’t use him anymore. He’s no longer their pawn. He doubts they’ll attack right now, they need to rethink their strategy.

That gives Cal time to heal from...whatever he needs to heal from. He’s still in a coma. They’ve been running tests, a DNA strand and fingerprints tells them that this is indeed the real Cal Shepard. Scans show that he’s still only partially synthetic, but Miranda says he does have new parts. They haven’t determined what exactly they are yet. He has to be dehydrated and malnourished. The burns on his skin need healing but what about the black webbing? What is it? Does it hurt? How exactly has he stayed alive this whole time? Kaidan has no answers, just has to trust that the doctors will do their job.

Someone messages him and he checks it quickly. He’s so tired but there’s no time to rest, no time for relaxation.

‘We’re at the hospital, where are you?’

His mother. He tells her the floor and says he’ll meet her by the elevators. He’s eager to see her but his feet drag. So exhausted. It’s been a long time since they last saw each other and he feels bad. If anyone would’ve understood his depression and supported him, it’s her. He rounds the corner and sees two women standing in the hall.

“Mom!” he calls.

She turns around and rushes over, his aunt’s not far behind. She pulls her son into a hug immediately. “Kaid, is it true? Is he really alive?”

“Yes,” he breathes and suddenly his voice is gone. It’s true, Cal’s alive. A miracle. Twice now. “The doctors have him.” He’s whispering, if he speaks any louder then his voice will simply break. The tears come quickly and then he’s bawling in his mother’s arms. What if this isn’t real? What if this is just a stress-induced dream and he’s actually back alone in his apartment and Cal’s gone? But the warmth of another person feels real enough. The voice in his ear sounds real.

When he’s able to gather himself a bit, he pulls back and wipes at his eyes. His aunt hugs him too and then they’re asking the obvious question. _How?_

“I-I...” He doesn’t know where to begin. “I need to sit down.” His legs just might give out any moment now. They find a smaller waiting room off the hall that nobody’s in. Once he’s in a chair, he feels a little better. His mom knows of the VI and he begins with it speaking. She knows about the therapy but doesn’t know he quit. He tells them about the Council’s house arrest, how his friends smuggled him off the Citadel and into the Terminus Systems. Omega, Cal’s final message, Mizora, Korlakh and the colonists. And then the underground laboratory, the vicious monsters. And finally Cal. “He spoke to me. I told him I loved him and he said back. He knew we came for him.”

He tells them what the doctors have said so far, which isn’t much. They don’t know what exactly is wrong with him, they have to determine what shape his body is in after all this time. The new cybernetics are unlike anything they’ve seen before. They don’t know when he’ll wake up, but the fact he was conscious for even a moment is a good sign. Miranda keeps assuring him that from what they saw, there isn’t a lot of visible damage. Kaidan just doesn’t know how that’s possible.

“He has so many friends, so many people are in that other waiting room. It was just too much so I went for a walk. I’m just...scared. What if he never wakes up again?” The last sentence is little more than a whisper.

“I know it’s hard but you have to stay positive. He’s with some of the best doctors on the Citadel. He’ll wake up. And the fact is, he does have some cybernetics in his body. Those have to be helping.”

He nods. Staying positive is so hard, so many different things can go wrong. But he knows his mom is right. He sighs. “I guess I’m ready to go back to the main waiting room. I can introduce you two to everyone.”

~~~~~

A few more hours tick by before the doctors announce Shepard can have visitors. For now, only a couple at a time. Kaidan nearly trips over himself rushing through the waiting room. Apparently everyone else has already argued about who gets to see Shepard first. But just as he’s about to pass through the door, he hears a deep,

“I’m going in there.”

He spins around and is surprised to see Wrex. He didn’t expect him for a few more days. But he guesses he shouldn’t be too surprised, they’re close friends after all.

Everyone seems to agree. Kaidan and Wrex will go in first. Then they’ll take turns until he’s cleared for more visitors.

“Hey,” Wrex says as a nurse leads them through the halls.

“Hey,” Kaidan returns. “Uh, sorry for not telling you about the mission.”

“It’s fine. There was a lot on your mind. Is this...are you sure this is Cal?”

Kaidan’s so used to hearing Shepard from everyone else, it’s kind of odd hearing his first name from Wrex. “Yes. Positive. They’ve already done tests. I talked to him.”

They’ve reached the correct room. An alias is on the screen just below ‘412,’ to hide the fact that this is Shepard. The nurse leaves them. Kaidan and Wrex glance at each other. And then they walk through the door.

Cal’s eyes are closed, he’s hooked up to IV’s and machines. His burns are bandaged and he looks a lot _cleaner_ than when they found him. Kaidan still wants to give him a haircut and shave his face. But that will have to wait until he’s awake and able to sit up.

Kaidan marches right to the bed, brushes Cal’s long hair carefully so not to tangle in it. “You’re safe, Cal.” But when he looks up, he notices Wrex standing a short distance away. Just staring. He takes a slow step forward. Then another. He’s so large that it only takes a few before he’s on the other side of the bed. Wrex lifts a hand. Then lets it fall to his side. He tries again, and this time the hand makes it to the pillow.

“What’s the black stuff?” he asks quietly.

“I’m not sure.”

Wrex’s other hand moves. Kaidan watches it, simply looks as fingers touch Cal’s cheek more softly than he’s ever seen from Wrex.

“Even staring right at him, it’s hard to believe...” Wrex starts.

“I know. I’ve never met someone so resilient.”

“Ain’t that the fucking truth.”

“Do you think he can hear us?” He looks up at Wrex.

“I don’t know, kid. He better be able because this is the only time I’m gonna say this. Hurry up and wake up. Your boyfriend needs you, your fan club outside needs you.” He takes a long breath. “I need you too. You’re a savior to my people. You were even fun in bed. You’re my friend and I really want you back.”

Kaidan cups Cal’s cheek then leans down to kiss his dry lips. “This still doesn’t feel real.”

“I don’t think it’s going to sink in until he’s up and walking around again.”

“I hope it’s soon...”

“Me too.”

After promising Cal he’ll return later, he leaves with Wrex. It’s hard leaving but Shepard won’t be alone. All of his friends are going to be in there with him. Everyone does let Kaidan’s mom and aunt, Evelyn and May, visit Cal first though. When they’re finished, he goes with them to the hotel they’re staying at. It’s near his apartment but his place is too small for three adults. And May’s three kids, spread across the galaxy, will arrive soon. Definitely not large enough. Leaving the hospital feels uncomfortable but the staff will let him know if anything changes. Things are complicated since Shepard is technically listed as deceased but Kaidan is still on his paperwork as his next of kin. It’s been that way since before the first time he died.

He’s scared. About Leviathan, about Cal’s condition. The galaxy can’t afford another war right now. Kaidan handle anymore heartache.

The elevator pings, they’ve arrived on the correct floor. The hotel room is big, nice. The first room is the living room and a kitchen, the second is the bedroom with two beds. Seeing them makes him realize how long it’s been since the last time he slept.

“Are you going back to the hospital?” his mom asks.

“Later. Uh. I might go home for a bit. Shower, sleep.”

“You have to be exhausted.”

“It’s been months since I’ve had a decent night’s sleep.”

“It’s been some time since you were home too. I doubt you have food, we’ll get you some groceries.”

“Thanks.” He gives her the code to unlock his front door then leaves. Returning to his apartment is kind of like drifting through the Presidium. He doesn’t remember much of the walk but it doesn't matter once he’s home. He’s already carried his belongings from James’ ship to his apartment. That includes Cal’s box, which sits on his bed. It’s no longer a personal shrine. Now it can be just a simple box of items that he’ll give back to Cal soon.

After his shower, opens it. He sifts through everything until he finds a picture of Cal he took at the orchard. He’s laughing and his smile is wide. Kaidan looks forward to when he can make Cal laugh like this again. He trades the picture for the hanar shirt. Then he lies down, draping the shirt over his torso. Soon. Soon Cal will wear it himself and they’ll make new memories.

It takes some time before he’s able to close his eyes. When he finally falls asleep, he dreams of Cal like so many times in the past. But instead of nightmares, he sees a future where the two of them are reunited and happy.

~~~~~

Kaidan is eventually summoned to the Council Chambers. As far as he knows, they haven’t visited Cal. Good. He wouldn’t want to see them. Instead of the usual area, he meets them in a private room, news still hasn’t broke of Shepard’s rescue and he’s relieved for that. Once it’s found out, Kaidan knows he won’t be able to walk through the Presidium in peace. It sounds trivial but he doesn’t want any extra stress.

The asari councilor is the first to speak. “Let’s get the obvious out of the way first. We were mistaken. Because of your action and dedication, we now know Shepard is indeed alive and is on his way to recovering. That would not have happened without you. Not only was he your comrade, but also your husband, and we can only imagine how you must be feeling through all this.”

He looks down at the ring on his finger. He doesn’t mind the sound of that--it doesn’t matter what they’re called, all that matters is that they love each other. But they never married and he’s a bit surprised to hear that mix up. But she continues on.

“We apologize for trying to confine you to the Citadel. We’d like to speak to you about your journey to Mizora. I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear that all the colonists have arrived on the Citadel and are receiving the best possible treatment. There doesn’t seem to be long-term damage from whatever was controlling them.”

“I am relieved to hear that, thank you for the update. Are you sending people to explore that building Cal was in? There were paths that we didn’t explore.”

“Yes, our team is gathering and will leave shortly. Your pilot’s AI...friend composed a set of photos of the creatures you fought against. A gruesome scene.”

One more thing Kaidan will thank Edi for, he hadn’t thought to collect photo evidence. “We don’t know these creatures’ origin, if they were turned colonists or something else. The facility looked like an abandoned lab but there was no indication of who it belonged to. We don’t know how Cal ended up there but I think the obvious enemy here is the Leviathan.”

“We haven’t been able to track them since the war ended.”

“I still don’t know where they’re hiding. But those orbs Commander Vega’s team found are very similar to the ones on Despoina and other places. I have no idea how they escaped the planet.”

“We don’t know for sure if it’s even them,” Quentius says.

“Who else is powerful enough to lock Shepard away? Who else would want to? Cerberus has crumbled out of existence. Leviathan agreed to help during the war, what if they stole Cal as ‘payment’?”

“We are going to look into this, Alenko.The Leviathan have always been in the back of our minds. We will also look into other possibilities. Even if they’re the masterminds here, someone had to physically steal Shepard on their behalf. Once he wakes up, he’ll be able to shed some light on this situation.”

“About that. Any questions you have for him will be sent to me for approval. I’ll also be the one who asks. He’s healing. The last thing he needs is an interrogation.” He knows he speaks boldly to the Council, who he technically is supposed to answer to and not the other way around. But if he doesn’t fight for Cal on his behalf, who will?

Irissa looks displeased but then agrees. “Fine. You’re a spectre, you can handle it.”

They talk a little longer, they inform him that Hackett is on his way. Kaidan’s not sure how that visit will go. Hackett isn’t quite Cal’s friend but Kaidan doesn’t know if he’ll remain strictly professional. Guess he’ll find out soon.

He goes to the hospital when he’s done in the tower. Strangers are in here too but this is basically ‘Shepard’s waiting room’ now. People come and go, but many stay because they want to be here when Cal wakes. They all have their own lives, jobs, responsibilities. But that can wait for a little while. What’s more important than being there when everyone’s best friend regains consciousness?

“Is anyone inside?” he asks.

“Cortez and Vega,” someone answers.

He sits. But then his stomach rumbles and he remembers he hasn’t eaten since last night. He calls his mom, unsure where she’s at.

“Hey, Kaid.”

“Hey. Where are you?”

“Still at the hotel. Is something wrong?”

“No. Want to go to lunch?”

“Yeah. At that restaurant in the hospital?”

“Uh-huh. I’d rather stay close. Hackett should be here some time too, I don’t want to miss his visit.”

“Okay, we’re leaving now.”

Kaidan glances around the waiting room one last time before leaving. On his way out, he passes Wrex. “Do you want to go to lunch with my family?”

“Your family?”

“Well, my mom and aunt. I have a lot more...I think they’re all coming at some point...”

“Is anyone with Cal?”

He nods. Wrex seems to actually think about it but then shakes his head. “Nah, think I’m gonna wait to see him.”

“Okay. Garrus is in there, you can go bug him for fun.”

“Hehe, I like that plan.”

Maybe Wrex wants some time alone with Shepard. Kaidan knows he does. He had his moments in the med bay, and he’s glad so many people want to visit him--Cal needs all the positive energy he can get right now. But Kaidan just wants to lay down with him and hold him in his arms and just wait this out.

“You’re barely eating.”

He looks up at his aunt.

“A lot on your mind?”

He laughs a bit. It’s a joke, they all know the answer. “I guess I’m just nervous.” That’s an incredible understatement. His mom seeks out his hand.

“He’s going to wake up, Kaid.”

“I know, I just...hope it’s sooner rather than later. The Council wants to question him. I mean...that’s understandable. But I don’t trust them not to overwhelm him. So I said they had to send their questions to me. And they agreed.”

“You sound surprised.”

“I kind of am. But I guess now that I’ve proven that I wasn’t delusional or acting out, they’re willing to let me do my job. Is Dad’s side of the family coming?”

“Yeah, I’m keeping touch with your aunts and uncles. They’re just trying to get things situated before they can come. Work and your cousins in school. But they’ll be here, I promise.”

“They know not to say the real reason, right?”

“Yes. I made sure everyone understands.”

“I hope it doesn’t leak out to the press. That will...be terrible. He should be the one to decide how and when he comes out to the public when he’s ready.”

“Yes, he should. All we can do right now is hope.”

She’s right. But Kaidan hates feeling so powerless to help Shepard. They return to the main waiting room after their meal. Depending on his mood, the constant chatter is either soothing or overwhelming. Right now, he decides it’s overwhelming. His mom understands his desire for quietness and solitude, and lets him go without fuss after he promises he’s okay. He wanders to the opposite side of the floor, it takes a minute because Huerta is huge. He finds his smaller waiting room, a couple people are inside but they barely even look at him. That’s perfectly okay with him.

He knows everyone wants to be there for the ‘big moment.’ But...what if it never comes? If this drags out too long, eventually everyone else will have to return to their duties. Wrex has clans to lead, Jacob has a child to take care of, Jack has her students. The waiting room will turn empty and Kaidan will be the only one left. He will always take care of Cal no matter what but the thought of him never waking up is one he has to constantly shake from his mind. It terrifies him more than the leviathan does. He may look a little different now but the old Cal is still in there, he spoke to Kaidan. He’s not gone.

They didn’t go through hell and risk their lives just for Cal to remain unconscious in a bed for the rest of his days. That’s not the life Cal would want. He has to wake up. If he doesn’t remember anything about his capture...honestly, Kaidan would prefer that. Shepard has enough traumatizing memories to last a lifetime, he doesn’t need anymore.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep, careful breath. He doesn’t want to cry right now, he doesn’t want to put that negative energy out in the hospital. Their ‘I love you’s’ on Mizora were not a final exchange. Cal will wake up and Kaidan will be at his side, and they will heal together.

He clings onto that thought for dear life and refuses to let go.

~~~~~

Bright. It’s too bright. The lights flood his vision--his mind--and render the rest of his senses useless. Bright white lights like the-

He doesn’t know he’s gasping for air. Gasping for air like the first time he-

He doesn’t feel his back twisting or muscles clenching. Doesn’t feel his body convulsing.

He can’t hear people shouting, people running. His body betrays him in so many ways, he can’t touch or see or hear-

The only constant in his life now is fear. Fear has burrowed its way inside his heart, planting its hard gnarled roots and refusing to let go. Nothing can penetrate through the terror, nothing can cut through the haze enveloping his brain.

Fear is the only constant. Fear, and the searing memory of white fluorescent lights blinding him.


	10. Chapter 10

Kaidan stares out the window and looks over the Presidium. It’s getting dark, the night cycle has just begun. He refuses to leave the hospital--everyone else has to take turns with the single spot left. It’s been seven hours since Cal’s body violently spasmed, since his lungs gasped for breath. Kaidan was in his tiny waiting room, Garrus and Jacob were in here. Jacob frantically called the nurses for help while Garrus called him. Cal must’ve been trying to wake up, and he missed it.

But the doctors say he wasn’t quite conscious. He doesn’t understand why they needed to give him a sedative then. Miranda assures him this is the best course of action, that he’ll still be able to wake up when he’s ready. His breathing has calmed down, a nurse just came in and unhooked him from the oxygen tank.

There’s a bathroom Kaidan can shower in and a folding cot he can sleep on. Nothing is going to pull him away from Cal’s side. When someone else enters the room, he doesn’t bother turning around. Only a few moments pass before they speak.

“Don’t be alarmed,” Miranda begins and his heart’s already pounding, “but I wanted to talk to you about the most recent set of scans I did.”

He spins around as she walks over to the console against the wall.

“I didn’t notice anything the first time but after his episode earlier, I tried again.”

Kaidan frowns as he looks over her shoulder. “Is that...his brain?”

“Yes. Let’s zoom in right here. I swear, it was invisible the first time around.”

“What is that? It looks like...” He’s not sure. But it doesn’t look like a tumor, which was his original fear when he saw the model of his brain.

“I’m sure he told you what I told him, that I originally wanted to put a chip in his head to control him if things went awry.”

“He mentioned it.”

“I didn’t, at the Illusive Man’s insistence. I’m wondering if that’s what this is. It’s in pieces though, it looks broken.”

“Are there scars on his head? Under his hair?”

“No. But I don’t see any scars on his body besides the burns. He has extra cybernetics. The bones in his left leg from the knee down are all synthetic, but you can’t tell just by looking at it. Then there’s the device in his heart...”

He knows all this already. The device was missed at first. But then the doctors realized that some sort of implant seems to keep his heart beating. Or...what’s left of his heart at least. It’s like an artificial transplant. On the outside, the organ looks normal but scans revealed that inside is a different case. Kaidan wonders if that’s where the black webbing stems from. “It wouldn’t be surprising if they did try to control him. If he had the ability to send me messages through the VI, who knows what else he’s capable of? The leviathan could want his power to themselves.” A darker thought clouds his mind. “Are we...sure it’s broken?”

“Look at it, it’s in pieces. If they had any control over him then he probably wouldn’t be here with us.”

“Was he trying to wake up earlier?”

“Perhaps.”

“So maybe he’ll try again soon.”

She closes out the console and turns toward him. “I think he will.”

“Are you saying that as his doctor or his friend?”

“Why not both? That’s all I wanted to tell you.”

“Do the other doctors know about this chip?”

“Yes.”

“If the Council or Alliance finds out...”

“I know. But I can’t keep secrets from his medical team, Kaidan. That wouldn’t be in Shepard’s best interest.”

He disagrees but doesn’t argue. “Have you been outside? Anyone out there?”

“Ha, do you have to ask? Everyone believes he’s going to get up soon. No one wants to miss it.”

“I think they’ve been avoiding me since earlier. Visiting hours for them are going to end soon. You can tell them they can fight over who gets to come in. Honestly, I don’t think anyone’s going to care if an extra person or two is in here.”

“I’ll let them know. Before I leave, are you doing okay?”

He looks over at Cal, watches his chest rise and fall with each breath. “Yeah. My mom and aunt are meeting a couple of my cousins at the docking bay right now but I told them it was late and I’d see them tomorrow. Hackett sent me a message too--he’ll be here in the morning. Things feel chaotic even though it’s just me and him in here.”

“Thing will settle down eventually. I’m gonna go now. See you later.”

“See ya. Oh, and can you turn the lights down a little? I don’t want them shining in his eyes when he opens them.”

She does and he sits in his chair beside the bed when she’s gone. He turns on the tv and starts flipping through the hundreds of channels. Who’s going to come? People he’s more familiar with or people he’s not going to know how to have a conversation with?

He finds a soccer game taking place on Earth and smiles when he sees who Argentina is playing against. Mexico. Cal’s home. He’s rarely ever watched sports willingly but he played a lot growing up, it was an easy way to pass time between jobs with the Reds. He leaves it on this channel and hopes Mexico keeps its lead.

The door opens and he sees Cortez. But then he stands to greet the second person. “Hey, Sam.” They hug. This is the first he’s seen her since the two year mark of Shepard’s ‘death.’ “Did you just get here?”

“Yeah,” Traynor answers. “I was in the Traverse. Hard to get time off without saying why. Luckily, Hackett intervened.”

“Really?”

“Yep, I was surprised he remembered little old me.” She looks at Cal. “How’s he doing?”

“I think he tried to wake up earlier. He spazzed out, they had to give him a sedative. He has some extra cybernetic bits in him that we don’t know much about but...he seems to be okay. No major damage.”

“That’s a relief. It’s amazing.” She holds his hand. “I can’t believe he’s here, after all this time.”

“I know,” Kaidan whispers. “He can survive anything.”

“I hope he wakes up real soon,” Cortez says. “So the three of us can argue about who’s the gayest again.”

Kaidan grins at that. Those three were always playfully competing. Steve’s filled Sam in about Mizora and he’s relieved. It’s not something he wants to relive again, especially in Cal’s presence.

Visiting hours eventually end, and Kaidan walks them out to the waiting room. Right when he comes back, he sees that Mexico won by two points. He smiles. Spending time with those two did lift his spirits, but he’s ready to call it a day. He has a bag packed from his apartment. He’s going to take a quick shower then try to get some sleep. He’ll have to be up early since Hackett’s coming.

Just before bed, he gives Cal a kiss and touches his chest. He feels a little cold so he pulls an extra blanket over him. Then he settles on his own makeshift bed and does his best to rest.

~~~~~

Kaidan’s hand slips under the covers to hold Cal’s. Hackett stands a few feet away. Like most people, he simply stares.

Finally he says, “There’s a lot to talk about, Major.”

Kaidan nods. “I’d rather discuss things elsewhere. There’s a smaller waiting room down a few halls, we can talk there.”

“How’s he doing?”

“No damage really. ‘Resilient’ is an understatement. The black stuff on him is a mystery but they don’t think he’s in any pain. He did have an episode yesterday. I think he was trying to wake up but...I dunno. Maybe it was too much on his body in that moment. They’ve run tests to prove that this is really him.”

“Yes, so the Council informed me.”

“Should we go?”

“Lead the way.”

“I’ll be back in a few, Cal,” he whispers. He squeezes Shepard’s hand then walks out of the room. The other waiting room is indeed empty. They sit down.

“Commander Vega and Edi wrote up reports. Edi’s was extremely thorough,” Hackett says.

“What did she start with?”

“Being contacted by Garrus Vakarian.”

“Would’ve done it myself but I couldn’t trust that the Council wasn’t watching my every move. Contacting him, I mean. They tried to confine me to the Citadel and force me to get professional help. But my spectre status was never revoked. I needed that crew for a confidential spectre mission and that’s the truth. They didn’t break any rules.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not here to get anyone in trouble. Even if that was my aim, you’re right. Your spectre status does cover them. I’m just here to...well. I wanted to see Shepard with my own two eyes. But I also want to discuss what’s next. The galaxy isn’t ready for another war.”

“I know. It has to be the leviathan. Most people don’t know they even exist. But ever since Cal talked to them, we knew they’d come back to fight one day.”

“We searched for them but they disappeared without a trace. I think some of us...we’ve been so focused on the galaxy’s recovery, we might’ve let ourselves forget that they still lurk.”

“I know I did. The Council says they want to explore other possibilities as well but the situation on Mizora--the creepy colony, the orbs Vega’s team found--is just too similar to the miners on that asteroid. The Council sent a team to investigate but I don’t know if they’ve arrived yet.” He sighs. “I don’t know what anyone wants to do next. All I know is that I need to be here with Cal and take care of him once he wakes up.”

“Understandable. Let’s just hope we’re not forced into action before we’re ready.”

“I’m sure they’re angry we took him back. I like to think that they would’ve attacked already if they were in the position to do so. Meaning they aren’t. It’s unclear to me where Cal fits in but this had to be a big blow to their plans. What’s the Alliance going to do?”

“Wait for word from the Council. We’d like to send our own people in but not until theirs are finished. Once word gets out about Shepard, I’m sure other species will want to do the same.”

“I want Cal to be the one to announce his...rescue. It’s been kept under wraps so far and I’d like it to stay that way. We both know how the press is, especially with a story this huge. They’ll harass me, you, and everyone who tries to enter the hospital.”

“Very few people outside the Normandy’s crew and the Council know the truth. The Alliance is aware of how ruthless the press can be. I agree, Shepard’s return should be up to him. Those of us who know don’t want this to reach the public yet either. Alenko. Is he truly doing okay?”

“I think so. The doctors are assuming his extra cybernetics are what kept him alive for the last couple years without food or water. I don’t see another possibility.”

“Extra?”

“Yeah. Basically a new heart, one of his legs is synthetic bone.” He doesn’t mention the broken chip, he’d prefer to keep that quiet as long as possible. He can’t trust that the Alliance won’t want to run invasive ‘tests’ on him. They’ll be wary and the last thing Cal’s going to need is to be treated like a pariah. He needs love and support from everyone around him. “Maybe he was on the brink of death, organ failure. It’s...I guess amazing how these bad people, things, end up saving him. Makes me torn. Cerberus, the leviathan--they’re evil. But I’m also grateful they saved him.”

“Rarely are things in life so black and white. I think that’s something Shepard understood well.”

Kaidan nods in agreement.

“I’ll keep in direct contact with you about the Alliance’s plans. We can’t do too much out in the open right now, the last thing we want to do is cause a panic.”

“Alright.”

“I’d like to...visit him again before I go. In an unofficial capacity this time.”

Kaidan leads him back to the room. He frowns when he notices Cal’s blankets are pushed down, exposing most of his chest. He wishes the nurses would fix them after they’re done taking blood samples or whatever else they need.

“Wow,” Hackett says quietly and he’s looking at the webbing.

“Yeah. No one knows exactly what it is.” His fingers brush the edge of it, it feels a little different from regular skin. Rougher. Kaidan’s really tempted to just rub a bunch of lotion over it and hope it goes away. He lets Hackett look just a second longer before pulling the blankets back up to his shoulders. “He’s always gotten cold easily,” he explains. “Probably just used to Mexico’s temperatures.” His touch to Cal’s hair is soft and gentle, his gaze warm.

“He’s lucky to have someone fight so hard for him. Shepard’s a good man and I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that he’s alive.”

They talk a few minutes more and Kaidan walks with him out into the hallway. Hackett says he’ll visit again, under less official circumstances, and then he’s gone. Kaidan debates going out into the main waiting room to invite people back in, but they’ll see Hackett themselves and come on their own. Kaidan’s slightly worried that a reporter will notice the admiral leaving Huerta Memorial but many people, even now, still frequent the hospital. A significant war bears significant damage.

He stands in the hall alone for a few seconds, leaning against the wall and simply watching the various visitors, patients, and staff. Once Cal wakes up, how long will his recovery take? How long until Kaidan can bring him home and he can relax in the comfort of their apartment instead of this place? The cybernetics may have kept him alive but how long until Cal can do more than just survive? Kaidan will wait however long he has to but for Cal’s sake he hopes it’s not long at all.

He’s hungry and has only had a cup of coffee this morning. His family is waiting for him, expecting him to call now that Hackett’s meeting is finished. He’ll say bye to Cal then meet them for breakfast.

Kaidan walks through the door but as it closes behind him, he freezes. Cal’s blanket is down by his hips again. Nobody else has been inside this room in the last couple minutes. That means...

“Cal!” he says excitedly, rushing to his bedside. He tries to calm himself but how can he possibly be calm at a time like this? “Cal,” he says more carefully and grabs his hand. “It’s me, I’m here. You’re safe.” The lights are dim right now, ‘natural’ light flooding in from the large window. “Are you awake?”

A hand squeezes his lightly and his eyes widen. His heart’s fluttering inside his chest.

“Can you hear me?”

His eyes are glued to Cal’s face, looking for any changes, any tiny little twitches that indicate he’s coherent. And then his eyelids flutter and for the first time since they saw each other in Mizora, their eyes meet.

~~~~~

The lights are gone.

Relief washes over him. But that doesn’t mean he’s safe. It’s warm, too warm. His arm moves and he’s surprised that he’s no longer bound. Can he escape? Can he escape?

He’s tired. So, so tired. He wants to move, wants to get out of here. His entire body feels like lead. He’s too heavy. Too heavy and-

It’s warm again. All he seems capable of are these tiny little movements. His arm flails. For a moment, all is calm.

But then there’s a voice. His hand’s heavy. Is that...another hand? He can’t make out words. Who is this? What language are they speaking? Can he understand?

“Can you hear me?”

He realizes that he can. He knows this voice. Warmth envelops him again, but this time it’s from the inside. His eyes open slowly. The constant fear finally melts away when he sees familiar amber eyes. His mouth is dry, tongue is heavy. But he’s able to get out a single word.

_“Kaidan.”_


	11. Chapter 11

Kaidan’s eyes immediately fill with tears but he’s smiling wide. “You’re awake,” he whispers. Cal’s ears pick up the sound easily. “Do you know what’s going on?”

“I don’t know. Where am I?”

“Huerta Memorial. Do you remember us finding you? In...inside the...” For some reason he can’t get the rest of that sentence out. If Cal doesn’t remember, does he really want to remind him of where he came from?

“The control room. You got my messages. You found me.”

He nods and he’s crying onto their hands. “Edi tracked the source of your email. We followed it to the planet you were on.”

His brain’s still hazy. Those messages drained him. He remembers being exhausted, he remembers the fear of being captured. So much is going through his head, his thoughts are all over the place and it’s overwhelming.

“Let me call the doctor, hold on.”

Cal’s terrified that Kaidan’s going to leave him and he grips his hand harder. But all Kaidan does is push something near his bed. And then that other hand is in his hair.

“How do you feel?”

“I...I don’t know.”

“Are you in pain?”

He thinks about it. “I don’t think so.”

Kaidan’s just about to ask something else when the door opens. Chakwas is the first to walk in and her jaw drops. “Shepard...” But she snaps into action and calls another doctor in as well.

Kaidan takes a step back but Cal begs him not to leave. “I’m right here,” he promises. His hand brushes lightly against his arm, that’s enough to soothe him.

They’re asking questions, taking more blood, doing more scans, Kaidan can see Cal grow more and more uncomfortable. But Chakwas is taking the lead and Shepard is at least familiar with her. She explains his condition to him, the artificial heart, the synthetic bones, the gray skin. Finally she asks if he’s hungry and he nods.

“I’m sure Ms. Lawson will want to speak with you as well. Shall I send her in?”

“Yeah,” Cal says. “That’s fine.”

She nods. “I’ll be back in a bit. Good to have you back, Shepard.”

He smiles. Just like that, the couple is alone. He looks at Kaidan.

“Can I kiss you?”

Cal laughs a bit. “Do you really have to ask?” His eyes close as Kaidan’s lips meet his and it’s the best feeling in the galaxy. Hands cup his face and his own fingers clench the fabric of Kaidan’s shirt. His mind is still foggy. He doesn’t know how long it’s been but any amount of time is too long. He’s put Kaidan through enough pain to last ten lifetimes. His face feels wet and he’s unsure which one of them is crying. Is Cal even capable of such human reactions anymore?

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan murmurs against his lips. Then he pulls back a little. “I’m sorry, Cal.”

He’s afraid to ask but he does anyways. “Sorry for what?”

“For not coming the first time you called. I ran away, convinced myself the pain I felt was making me crazy. I’m sorry I didn’t come for you sooner. Did you...have you been trying to send me messages since the beginning?”

He truly doesn’t know the answer to that. Time is a strange concept. “I don’t know,” he admits. “What year is it?”

“2189.”

Is he surprised by that? Two years? Two and a half? It’s weird. The reapers gave him a window through which to watch the galaxy recover. But he only saw the big picture, a reaper does not care about the passage of weeks and days and hours. Two years Kaidan had to grieve for him. Again. Is there ever a time he isn’t causing Kaidan pain? There’s so much to talk about, so much to catch up on. He doesn’t know where to begin.

“What do you remember?”

Cal stares at him a moment, processing the words. “Uhh. The Citadel. We were...on Earth?”

Kaidan nods. “London.”

He doesn’t ask if the Citadel is still in their solar system. He was the one who commanded the reapers to help take it back. “Anderson. The Illusive Man. They were both there. They’re both gone.”

“They...found the bodies. C-Sec determined that they killed each other.”

“No,” Cal whispers. “Any competent officer would know that’s not true. I killed Anderson. The Illusive Man had control over me, I couldn’t...” His eyes start to tear up, part of him is relieved this side of him still exists. The rest of him feels awful for what happened. “He made me shoot Anderson. By the time I broke free and killed him, it was too late. Anderson was dying.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“We watched Earth for a little bit. He told me the same thing, and that he was proud of me. But the crucible still wasn’t launching. There was this...this...”

“What, Cal?” Kaidan says carefully.

“You won’t believe me.”

“Ha! Sorry, I shouldn’t laugh. This situation isn’t funny. But seriously--my boyfriend who’s been declared dead for the last almost three years was actually alive and sending me secret messages, which I was able to trace back to a building on a brainwashed colony that I then fought through to save you. I think I’ll believe you.”

Cal can’t help but grin, although it disappears quickly. “Heh, when you put it like that. I guess it was an AI. What else could it have been? It said I had a choice. It took the shape of that kid, the one I saw blow up in Vancouver. It told me I could destroy the reapers. But doing so would kill _all_ synthetic life. Edi, the geth...all gone. Then it said I could control the reapers, like the Illusive Man wanted. I blinked and instead of the kid, it turned into someone under my command at Torfan. Someone who died. Controlling the reapers would come with a price--I would change, lose my humanity. Like I had any to begin with. I didn’t truly understand what it was saying at that point. But now I know...”

His eyes close and when they open again, the green is gone and replaced with red. Kaidan’s own eyes widen but he isn’t afraid. He has never been and will never be afraid of Cal.

“There was one last choice.” And now, he looks pained. “It changed again--into Ryan. It looked, sounded just like him. I wanted to stay up there forever and just pretend it was him.” He shakes his head. “Synthesis. The pinnacle of evolution, the merging of organic and synthetic life. That’s what would stop the constant war between the two every cycle, they’d finally be equal. All I had to do was step into the beam. I would’ve died. The price to pay for perfection was my life. I wanted to do it--what’s one person worth against galaxy-wide peace? But I couldn’t. I was right there, Kay. I could feel the warmth radiating from the light. But all I could think about was you. I couldn’t leave you behind, not again. But I couldn’t just destroy synthetic life either. AIs don’t deserve that, the geth had just begun to rebuild themselves. I couldn’t. So I-I chose...”

Kaidan’s hand rises and he places it right in the middle of his blackened skin, right on top of his artificial heart. “You can control the reapers.”

His eyes revert to their proper color. “Yes,” he whispers. “I’ve commanded them to help rebuild the galaxy they’ve destroyed over and over. The cycles are over, Kaidan. We can all live in peace.”

Kaidan’s heart is racing. He believes every word he’s saying. Deep down, he’s relieved Cal didn’t choose to merge them--then he’d truly be dead and Kaidan would still be grieving. Cal would’ve never been able to pick up the pieces of his life to rebuild himself.

“I may not have chosen synthesis but I think I’m some sort of hybrid, the bastardization of what that AI promised. I don’t know. Maybe the leviathan were just manipulating me.”

“If they had that sort of power, would they have been hiding in the first place?”

He shrugs. “I don’t remember much from the last...you said two years? Or three?”

“Three more months and it’ll be three.”

“Was I conscious when you found me?”

“No. But you woke up, for just a minute, and talked to me. That was almost a week ago.”

Shepard places his hands over the one still on his heart. “How are you doing?”

Kaidan seems thrown by the question. “Are you, uh, really asking _me_ that?”

“Yeah, I am. For a few moments on Mars, I thought you were dead and it was the scariest few seconds of my life. Doing that for years? Twice? I know what it feels like. Ryan’s death fucked me up.”

Kaidan’s eyes drift to the ground briefly. “Your death fucked me up too. It was even harder the second time around because...I knew it was possible to bring you back once. Both times felt like you were gone forever but the second time hurt even more. I didn’t think your messages were real at first. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.”

“It’s okay, I barely remember it.”

Kaidan wonders if he’s just saying that to make him feel better. He hopes it’s the truth. Nobody, but especially Cal, needs memories like that.

“I love you,” Cal says.

“I love you too. So much.” He leans down to kiss him again, and then he just presses their foreheads together. Their arms move and they’re hugging.

A knock on the door interrupts them and they reluctantly pull back. Kaidan will never be able to get enough of Cal now. Someone walks in with a tray of food. But then Miranda’s walking in too and she can’t contain her smile. Cal looks happy to see her too.

“Hey,” he says simply.

“Hey. Can I hug you?”

He nods. “I haven’t had a shower in years but yeah.”

Miranda leans down to hug him and she holds on a few extra moment. “Do you want to sit up to eat? How do you feel?”

“Tired.”

“I’m not quite sure what to even ask. Pain? Discomfort? Did they change out your bandages?”

“No pain, not really any discomfort. They didn’t look at them. Just told me I was burned and had a fake heart.”

“Not quite fake, a mix of organic tissue and synthetic compound.” She briefly meets Kaidan’s eyes. “I also found what looks to be the remnants of a failed chip in your brain.”

“Ha, I guess you’d be real familiar with those, huh? I’m pretty sure it’s not working.”

“I think the same. It looks to be in pieces, broken I mean. Just something I thought you should be aware of. Alright, now let’s get these bandages off. It’s about time to change them anyways. Oh.”

“Oh? That doesn’t sound good.”

“Well...the good news is that your burns are healed.”

“And the bad news?”

“I wouldn’t call it bad exactly. The skin where the burns were now matches the black webbing on your chest and neck.”

“Huh. That’s weird.”

Kaidan worries about that. Is this what the AI meant when it said Shepard would lose his humanity? Gray skin and the ability to control the reapers--is there anything else he needs to worry about? Cal sounds like he’s playing it off, but Kaidan knows better. This is unknown territory, to say the least.

“We’ll monitor it, but if you’re not in any pain...”

“Nope. I’d like to sit up though.

Kaidan snaps into the action. He lowers the rail so Shepard can swing his legs over then helps him up. His sock-clad feet touch the cold floor. Years have passed since the last time he put weight on them. His hand scratches at his beard--he needs to shave immediately. Miranda tells him a lot of people eagerly await outside.

“Maybe it’d be better to have just a few at a time,” Kaidan suggests. “What do you think?”

Cal nods then takes a bite of his sandwich. When’s the last time he ate? He’s pretty sure he’s never tasted anything so delicious. But after a few more hospital meals, he’s also pretty sure his mind will change. His stomach gurgles and suddenly half his sandwich is gone.

“I wanna shower and cut my hair,” he murmurs around a mouthful of bread.

“You just woke up, are you sure you’re up for that?”

“Yeah. I’m half-robot now, I’ll be fine.”

“Alright...I can cut your hair for you in the bathroom.”

Cal looks at Miranda. “Were you there when they found me?”

“Not _there_ there. On the opposite end of the facility with James’ team, we found a room full of orbs.”

His eyebrows furrow. “Like on Despoina?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan answers. “When we freed you, the orbs exploded and the colony was no longer under control.”

“Where are the colonists now?”

“Here on the Citadel receiving treatment. They’re okay.”

“I want to wait for a bit before seeing everyone. Would like to look semi-presentable first.”

“I’ll hold off on the big announcement then,” Miranda promises.

“I’ll go find someone who can give us grooming supplies,” Kaidan says but she intervenes.

“No, you two stay together. I’ll get your stuff and tell the guys outside that we’re just running some tests and you’re out of the room for a bit.”

“Thank you,” Cal says.

The two men are left alone again. Kaidan sits next to him and wraps an arm around his waist. Shepard practically inhales the rest of his french fries then digs into the salad next.

“Why did your eyes turn red earlier?”

“I was giving a direct command to a reaper. Nothing major, moving it from one side of the Citadel to the other. At this point, most of them know their tasks and carry them out without my intervention.” He swallows lettuce, tomato, and a baby carrot. “Does it...scare you?”

“No,” Kaidan says without any hesitation. “Nothing about you can ever scare me.”

“I don’t remember what happened after the crucible launched,” he says suddenly. “I don’t know where the leviathan are. I assume it isn’t Despoina.”

“No, that whole system’s been combed. Before we found you, we went there again. Nothing. The Council said they’d investigate all possibilities.”

“It’s the leviathan. I...” His face scrunches up in thought. “I know that much. They tried to get me to their side. I don’t...” He tries to remember what exactly happened. But all that comes to mind are those blinding lights and a feeling of dread. He remembers feeling so incredibly small compared to them, a booming voice in his brain. He remembers being stuck and unable to escape. He doesn’t notice his breath hitch or his vision unfocus. Until Kaidan’s in his ear.

“Cal, breathe. You’re safe here. Come back to me.”

He looks over at Kaidan. “The leviathan threatened me, but I don’t remember what they said. I was on a table, then I was bound, I couldn’t move. They were in my head. But then they weren’t.”

“Can you hear them now?”

“No. What did you have to fight to find me?”

Kaidan explains Korlakh, how the krogan was able to break through the mind control at the very end. Then the facility full of monsters. Shepard asks him to go into detail about the creatures. He can tell Kaidan is uncomfortable but he tells him regardless. Cal sees glimpses of gray skin and bright, bright red eyes. Is he looking in a mirror or is he staring at a monster? Is there even a difference now?

Maybe the memories of his time in that facility, of the journey from the Citadel to that colony will resurface in time. He hopes not.

“Who else knows about me?”

“That you’re alive? My family, old Normandy crew, the Council, and a few higher ups from the Alliance. Hackett just left actually. We can tell him...later. Actually the doctors will probably inform the Council, and them the Alliance. I eventually told the Council about the messages you sent me through the VI.”

“They probably didn’t believe you.”

He shakes his head. “I went back and forth on it myself. They did visit the VI but by that point you weren’t able to send anything else. They didn’t believe me and told me that they were confining me to the Citadel to continue receiving professional help.”

“What counts as professional?”

“Therapy. I...I was a wreck right after the war. Everyone was but...you, my dad, the scary fucking battles we fought, it was too much. I went through a bunch of therapists but they were useless, and a lot of them were pretty traumatized themselves. A while after the first message you sent me, I decided to try again though. It was affecting my performance on missions. She even suggested checking myself into a facility, she didn’t believe me either. If Miranda and Garrus hadn’t given me a chance...I played them the same recording I played the Council. You asked for help, it sounded like you. You know how VIs usually are.”

“What happened next?”

“Garrus contacted James. He has his own ship now, Joker’s his pilot. Edi too of course. Cortez.Garrus messaged Liara and I used my spectre status to get Chakwas off Mars.”

“Pfft, they put her on that stale planet again?”

“Yeah. Luckily, my status wasn’t revoked. That sort of news would’ve gotten out and the Council wanted to keep this quiet. Once we all got together, Edi found a signal from the VI remnants. The only problem was that she could only track it to a section of the Terminus Systems. So we searched the two waterworlds in the area...nothing. I had Joker take us to Omega to...I don’t know. I don’t know what I was going to do. Tali contacted me in that time, I just...I was so focused on finding you that I didn’t message anyone else. She met us on Omega. Aria and Bray ended up coming too.”

“Wait, wait. Aria came to the colony?”

“She did. I thought she'd come here with us but the two of them went back to Omega. I need to message her too.”

“Huh. That's a bit unexpected...actually no, I guess it isn't. What happened next?”

“When we were still in Omega, everyone was acting cautious around me. It bothered me. I thought maybe I was making it up after all. But then you messaged me. I begged you for a sign and you sent me one. I called Edi, she traced it to Mizora, and we were off.”

“You’ve been through so much...”

“Yeah, but every bit of it was worth it. It led me straight to you.”

“I’m not surprised about the Council, keeping you fucking prisoner here.”

“I think I told them to fuck off or something during one of our meetings.” And finally, they both laugh.

“You told the Council to fuck off , then you disobeyed direct orders and snuck away like a thief in the night. That’s...pretty hot actually.”

Kaidan grins. “You rubbed off on me.”

“Many times. Though it’s been a while since the last time and I hope to fix that soon.” He enjoys it when Kaidan’s hand squeezes his thigh.

“I’ve really missed you.”

Cal kisses his cheek. “I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”

Kaidan rests his head against him. “Are you sure you’re up for showering? It can wait a while.”

“I’m sure. But after I eat this pudding.”

Kaidan watches him peel back the wrapper on the cup. The door opens, Miranda’s back with a package of toiletries. They thank her and she helps unhook him from his machines before leaving again.

“I bought you some stuff,” Kaidan says. “Real underwear instead of those weird mesh ones the hospital gave you. Some shorts too. Shall I cut your hair first?”

“Yes, please. I’m suffocating under all this hair.”

Kaidan drags a chair into the bathroom and places it in front of the mirror. He watches Cal walk toward him and he’s kind of surprised at how well he’s walking after...years of not doing so. Maybe he shouldn’t be surprised at all, cybernetics are a powerful assistant. “Electric razor for your face?”

“Yeah. Miss me with that shaving cream bullshit.”

Cal closes his eyes as the shaver touches his face. He tilts his head when Kaidan tells him to until he’s all done. “Already an improvement,” Cal mutters. Kaidan grabs the scissors next. “You know how I like it.” He enjoys Kaidan standing so close, the feel of his hands in his dirty hair. Kaidan uses the electric razor to clean up his neck and then he’s done. Both of them stare in the mirror for what feels like a long time.

Cal looks like his usual self, just like Kaidan remembers. The black web stretching up his neck and face is irrelevant. He leans down, wraps his arms around him, rests his cheek in Cal’s hair. The ache in Kaidan’s heart, the one he thought was permanent, is gone. His brain just needs to catch up now and realize it no longer has to mourn. They get to do normal things again, like eat and shower together. The word ‘happy’ pales in comparison to what he’s actually feeling.

“Ready to shower?” Kaidan’s voice is muffled.

“In a minute.”

Kaidan’s perfectly okay with that response.

“Are you going to shower with me?”

“I planned on it but not for the reason you’re thinking.” He finally straightens up.

“More like hoping.”

“You’re in recovery mode right now, cybernetics or not. That’s going to have to wait.”

Cal pouts as he stands but happily watches Kaidan undress. Kaidan’s not surprised by what’s on Shepard’s mind, but he means it. Strenuous activity of _any_ sort is on hold for now. Kaidan would rather be overly cautious, though he knows Cal is the opposite. He feels eyes on him as he opens the shower door and turns the water on. He puts it to the temperature Cal likes then beckons him in. The shower’s already full of Kaidan’s stuff. He notices as they shower that Cal’s not quite as energetic as he’s acting. That’s expected, but he hopes Cal remembers that and doesn’t overextend himself. Kaidan washes his hair for him, runs conditioner through it. It’s a longer affair than usual, it has been years since his last shower. But when it’s done and they’re drying off, he feels a lot better. Not quite his normal self but getting there.

“Do you want to go for a walk or do you want to lay back down?” Kaidan asks, handing him a pair of boxers.

“Uhh, lay down. Walk later. It’s kinda cold in here, I think I want to wear the ugly hospital gown.” Kaidan hands one to him. He slips on a pair of shorts as well and announces that he’s ready for guests.

“Okay, I’ll be right back then.”

“Wait,” Cal says and Kaidan looks at him, waiting. He realizes that he’s scared of Kaidan leaving him alone, even for a couple minutes. But that’s not the reason he stopped him. “That can wait a little longer. Cuddle me?”

He doesn’t need to be asked twice. He kicks off his boots then climbs on the bed. He lays on his side, carefully putting an arm and leg over him. Cal relaxes immediately. He touches Kaidan’s hand but then lifts it up.

“You still have your ring.”

“Of course I do. I wear it every day.”

Cal kisses his fingers. “We have to buy me a replacement.”

“Once you’re able to move around, we’ll go.”

“I’m able to move around now.”

Kaidan playfully flicks his arm. “You know what I mean.”

“Sounds like a date.” Cal doesn’t express it but he’s worried about Kaidan. It’s probably silly, the last few years don’t matter. He’s alive, Kaidan no longer needs to grieve. But...that time does matter. Kaidan thought he was dead and despite it not being true in the end, he still mourned a long time. That pain still had an effect on him. He’s alive but that doesn’t just suddenly fix him...or does it? He wants to ask Kaidan about the last few years but he’s not sure if he should bring it up. Will talking about it help Kaidan, or will it just drag this unnecessary pain out even longer?

Right now, they don’t need to discuss it. They’re laying in bed together for the first time in ages, for the first time since the war ended. The leviathan are a problem that needs to be dealt with but the reapers are no longer on the Normandy’s tail. The immediate threat of death is gone.

Cal can lay with his boyfriend, he can close his eyes, murmur ‘I love you’ to Kaidan. Anxiety and dread lurk inside his mind but for these few sweet moments, Cal truly feels at peace.

~~~~~

Neither man means to fall asleep, but they do. Cal’s not quite sure if he actually needs sleep anymore but he doesn’t want to think about it. He notices that he’s reconnected to the IV again, at least the nurse or doctor didn’t disturb their nap. He can only imagine how exhausted Kaidan is.

“How you feeling?” Kaidan slurs in his ear, body still waking up.

“I’m fine.”

“Ready for visitors?” He yawns.

“Yeah,” he chuckles. “Are you?”

“Mhm.” But he closes his eyes again and makes no effort to get up. Cal is okay with that.

“Where’ve you been sleeping?”

“There’s a pullout cot thing I slept on last night. Do you remember trying to wake up?”

“I...remember bright lights. But they were different from the other lights.”

“Garrus and Jacob were here. You started flailing around. The lights were on, maybe they disturbed you. I felt bad for not being here so I decided to start spending the night. I’ve been going home before that, at the very heavy insistence of my mom. I have an apartment in the Presidium. I went back and forth between here and Earth for a little bit in the beginning but I like living on the Citadel.”

“I like it here too. Not this fucking hospital, but the other parts. I think you’re drooling on me.”

“Sorry, sorry.” He wipes his mouth. “I’m awake now. We should tell everyone. I need to talk to my mom too.”

“Call her first.”

He starts a video call and waits for her to answer. When she does and realizes who she’s looking at, she gasps.

“Oh my god, you’re awake! May, get over here! How you feeling? Are you okay? You got a haircut, look how handsome you are!”

Shepard grins. “Kay cut it for me in the bathroom. I feel alright, the cybernetics help.”

“Oh, I’m so happy. I’m gonna cry.” She wipes at her eyes then her sister appears on the screen. Cal met a lot of Kaidan’s family when they went to the orchard after Saren’s defeat.

“He’s awake!” she practically screams. He remembers her being a reserved person in comparison to her sister. “Ev, we need to get to the hospital!”

“We’ll be there soon, guys.”

“Okay,” Kaidan says. “We haven’t told anyone else yet. I’m gonna send a group message.”

After they hang up, Cal suggests sending a video.

“Alright.” He holds his arm up and starts recording. “Hey, everyone. I know I’m only a few meters away but I have an important message.” He tilts the screen over so Cal is visible.

He grins wide and then shouts, “I lived, bitches!” He smacks Kaidan’s hand away and the video ends.

“A comeback truly in your style,” Kaidan laughs then sends it to the group chat he set up at the beginning of the week. As an afterthought, he tells them only four at a time. He doesn’t want Cal to be overwhelmed. He finally sits up, pulls the blanket over Cal’s hips. “You want to sit up?”

“Yeah.”

He presses a button and adjusts the bed so he’s at a better angle. “Are you okay with being alone with whoever comes in? I’m gonna go out and talk to my mom. I’ll bring her and my aunt and cousins in after.”

“Okay. But can you wait a sec-” He stops talking. “Do you hear-”

“Shepaaaaaard!”

That’s Wrex’s voice bellowing down the hall. The door opens and he stomps in and stops just short of crashing into the bed. Wrex stares and Kaidan’s not sure what he’s thinking. But then Cal holds his arms out and Wrex goes in to hug him. He’s being careful but Cal’s clinging on to him tightly. Kaidan looks over and sees three others standing behind Wrex--Garrus, Tali, and Liara. The original Normandy crew is reunited. Almost, at least.

“Good to have you back, Cal,” Wrex murmurs.

He finally pulls back to give the rest a chance at him. There’s a palpable energy in the room, everyone is simultaneously excited and surprised to see him so well off. The last time they were all together...was the battle of London. And now Cal’s sitting here laughing at a joke Garrus just told. After a couple minutes, he makes eye contact with Cal and nods slightly. Once Shepard nods back, he slips out of the room. His family’s here, he’s meeting them down the hall. He’s slightly worried about Cal burning out--many people are lined up outside. He knows he’s going to receive questions from the Council soon too, but he plans to call them and make sure they understand that he is not going to _interrogate_ his boyfriend.

He sees his mom first, then May and two of her kids. But there’s one more person trailing behind. “Avery!” he exclaims and hurries to hug his cousin. Kaidan’s dad... _was_ closest to his older brother Ivan. As a result, Kaidan and Ivan’s only kid Avery grew up very close. He always figured that was what having a sibling was like. Once again, he feels bad for isolating himself from his family for so long.

There’s an open sitting room that he leads them to so they’re not just standing in a hall. He leans against the wall, tired of sitting. Then he starts explaining--first Hackett’s visit, then the sheets moving, Cal waking up and seeming pretty alright. “He doesn’t remember much from the last few years. And I’m...glad for that. Nothing good happened during that time.”

“What exactly did happen?” Avery asks.

Kaidan frowns. “I’m not totally sure. Somehow he got from the Citadel to that colony. He was bound and unconscious when we found him, he hasn’t had any food or water in him that whole time.”

“How’d he survive?”

“Cybernetics. Besides the stuff he already had, he has an artificial heart. Well, sort of. There...” He looks around then leans in closer. “Miranda thinks they tried to plant a control chip in his brain. She showed me the scans, it looked broken. He hasn’t shown any signs of control but I’m scared they’ll try to use it against him.”

“There’s so many questions. Who wanted to control him? Why?” Evelyn asks.

“The leviathan. He can...he controls the reapers now. You guys won’t believe me. He’s the one who’s been telling the reapers to fix things in the galaxy. The leviathan must want that power for themselves. I don’t want to think about it. And then his burns were all healed but the skin, it’s all gray, like the webbing on his chest and face. He says it doesn’t hurt, so that’s good at least. I don’t know what it means. Is his whole body going to turn like that eventually? I don’t know. I’m just...” His eyes tear up and his voice is capable of nothing more than a whisper. “I really am happy right now. How could I not be? But what if this is all just a dream and I’m about to wake up and he’s still gone? Two death anniversaries, three of his birthdays, years of mourning. So much pain and now I’m just suppose to forget about it all? The first time so much was going on--Horizon, stuff with Cerberus, the reapers--I don’t know how I did it. I feel so bad for still feeling... _bad._ ”

Evelyn stands up and then he’s pushing himself towards his mom for comfort.

“I’m scared,” he cries. “What if the leviathan come for him? What if they’re able to control him after all? What if the heart they gave him stops?” He cries onto her shoulder, a culmination of heavy emotions coming out. Cal may be okay right now but Kaidan’s absolutely terrified that’s going to change. He thought his stress would lessen once he woke up but it hasn’t. “He’s already missed out on so much, I just want him to have the life he deserves. I can’t lose him again. I can’t.” He feels a second presence at his side then hears Avery’s voice.

“He’s with the best doctors in the galaxy. Your mom said two of them are Cal’s friends so they’re extra motivated. If anything starts to happen, they’ll catch it. He just woke up--what? An hour or two ago? That’s not enough time to erase how you’ve felt since the war ended. It was traumatizing stuff and no matter the circumstances, that’s going to take time to heal.”

“He’s right,” Evelyn says softly. “It is going to take time. Cal’s doing well right now and that’s what we need to focus on. And your family’s going to be here right beside you two.”

The others murmur their agreement as Kaidan pulls back. “I know it’s hard to tell but I really am happy right now. We talked and I cut his hair for him and we took a nap together.” He wipes his eyes. “I’m gonna find a bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

There’s one right around the corner. He cleans his face as best he can then rejoins his family. He’ll go with them to the waiting room until the others are done visiting. But as soon as he steps back into the sitting area, he hears loud voices.

“Carry me on your back!”

It’s distant but he knows that’s Cal. A pause and then, “Stop fussing, I’m not gonna run with him!” Wrex.

His family joins him in the hall to watch and less than half a minute later, Cal and his friends turn the corner. Wrex is holding Cal bridal style while Tali rolls the pole holding his IV bags next to them. Kaidan’s family cheers when he approaches and everyone looks so _happy_. Kaidan feels guilty for having puffy red eyes and crying just a few minutes prior.

Wrex puts him down so he can greet Kaidan’s family properly. He’s introduced to the two kids of May’s he hasn’t met. The third one, who isn’t here yet, he already knows. Kaidan may not have any siblings--it’s the one way he and Cal are alike in that sense---but his extended family is large. Evelyn has two sisters, Thomas was the youngest of seven.

“Wanted to stretch my legs,” Cal explains.

“You were being carried,” Kaidan points out with a smile.

“As if I’d ever pass up the chance to ride Wrex.”

“Hehehe.”

Everyone is talking in the sitting area but Cal touches Kaidan’s hand softly.

“You were crying,” he says.

“Yeah,” Kaidan admits. No point in lying. “Just feeling a lot of emotions right now.”

“I’m not secretly dying, am I?”

“Don’t joke like that. And before you get that idea stuck in your head--no, you’re not. The doctors can’t legally withhold information from you about your own condition.”

Liara tells Kaidan she tried to explain that Shepard walking around out here _so loudly,_ even with this limited audience, will draw attention but he didn’t care.

Kaidan rolls his eyes. “She’s right, you know.”

“I do know,” Cal insists. “But I’m tired of that room.”

“Already?”

He nods. “If someone writes an article about me, then that’s less work for me.”

“No one will believe them anyways,” Tali joins in. “You could do an interview with Allers.”

“Yeah, that’d be best probably. Only press I get along with. Who knows how to get in touch with her?”

“Traynor,” everyone says in unison.

He raises an eyebrow. “I know Diana liked her, did they hook up?”

“Been dating for over two years now,” Tali says.

“Huh. Cool for them. Is Sam here?”

“Got here last night.”

“Guess we should let everyone else have a turn with you,” Garrus eventually says.

“I’m sure they’re clamoring at the door,” Liara adds.

“Thanks for coming,” Cal tells them. “I know you all have your own lives and responsibilities, it means a lot you dropped everything so suddenly to keep me--and Kaidan--company.”

“Of course we put everything else on hold,” Garrus says and places a hand on his shoulder. “What’s more important than having our best friend back? You’ll be back to causing trouble in no time.”

Kaidan walks Cal back to his room after they leave. His family goes to eat at one of the restaurants and he asks for them to get him something to go. Cal settles into bed and the next round comes--Vega, Cortez, Traynor, and Edi. Joker will come with the next group. Kaidan thanks Edi profusely, without her they probably never would’ve found Shepard. Cal asks Sam about Diana, she says she’s going to come soon. He’ll set something up with her then.

Kaidan sits by the window, he’s exhausted. A few minutes later, he receives a message from the Council. It’s their list of questions. Kaidan responds by saying he’ll ask tomorrow or the next day. Shepard just woke up and the last thing he needs is a bombardment. They also let him know that the Alliance has been informed, so he knows to expect Hackett again soon. They at least are understanding about giving Shepard some time to rest first. Honestly, Kaidan needs to rest as well.

The excited voices of his friends, the sound of Cal’s laughter, soothes him. It reassures him that life can return to normal someday. Well...maybe not ‘normal’ since their normal is steeped in chaos and war. A more accurate thought is that life will one day calm down and relax, and it’s a very nice thought indeed.


	12. Chapter 12

“You’re moving around so well,” Kaidan says.

“I’ll be up for spectre missions in no time,” Cal tells him and sticks his thumb up.

“You’re acting like that’s a joke but I know you’re just gauging my reaction. You’re still a ways away from that.”

“Do you think the Council’s reinstated my spectre status?”

“No, they’re probably going to wait until you ‘officially’ come back to the public sphere. Reinstating it would get out no doubt. How about we concentrate on longer walks first?”

“But I’m fine,” Cal groans.

“And we don’t want to overdo it.”

“I want to go home.”

“I know, soon. That’s why you have to be careful, so your release date isn’t pushed back.”

He sighs. “Are you hungry?”

“Yeah. Want me to get you something from downstairs?”

“I want a burger and tater tots. And soda.”

“Alright, that sounds pretty good.”

They return to the hospital room. A few days have passed since Cal first woke up. The doctors monitor him closely but...nothing seems wrong with him. Looking at him, it’s difficult to tell he was held captive without food, water, or mobility for almost three years. He lost some muscle mass but not nearly as much as one would expect. But his heart is functioning normally, the areas of gray and black skin have not expanded, his synthetic bones still provide proper support. Cal’s bored and some of his memories are coming back, but he’s at least physically alright. Hackett visited again, visibly relieved to see Shepard okay. He promised he wasn’t there in an _official_ capacity yet and he kept that promise. Kaidan stayed to make sure. But he still hasn’t sat down to ask him the Council’s questions. He knows he can’t put it off for much longer. He’ll go get lunch and then maybe they’ll discuss everything. Part of the reason he’s procrastinating is because he’s scared of jarring Cal’s memory. But it’s time, otherwise the Council might come to the hospital themselves and he won’t be able to do much in that situation.

“Want me to call someone?” Kaidan asks. Cal’s still scared to be completely alone, that’s the one thing that speaks loudest to Cal not being ‘fine.’ Shepard isn’t ready to talk about it yet, maybe he doesn’t even understand his feelings, but the moment he is ready, Kaidan will listen.

“Yeah.”

He knows Cal would be mad if he said anything aloud but Kaidan’s already sent a message to the group chat to let them know not to leave Cal alone when they visit and not to mention it whatsoever.

“Sam’s on her way. Says Diana is on a ship headed for the Citadel. Are you okay doing an interview with her?”

“Yeah. It’s gotta be done. And I’m friends with her so I now she won’t try to pull any tricks.”

“We also have to go through the questions the Council asked too.”

He makes a face but agrees. Kaidan orders their food, already asking Traynor if she wanted anything and getting her something too.

“Fifteen minutes supposedly.”

“More like thirty,” Cal mutters. “Can you hand me my controller?”

Kaidan does so before sitting in bed with him. He went out and bought him a bunch of video games to help occupy his time. It’s worked to an extent. He watches Cal play for a few minutes before he gets a message.

“Update from Ryan’s parents. One of their shuttles got delayed. They’ll be here tomorrow morning instead of tonight.” Kaidan’s never met them. The last time Cal saw them was when the Alliance had him under house arrest in Vancouver. They returned to New York just before the reapers hit. His mom reenlisted to help fight and his dad stayed on Earth with her. They’re both lucky to still be alive. After the war ended, she decided to stay in the Alliance. He continues to be an architect. They were understandably shocked when they received a video call from Huerta Memorial, initially thinking this was a cruel joke. But Cal talked to them and now they’re coming to see for themselves.

“You know, I cheated death twice. Part of me keeps hoping Ryan did the same. Next month will be ten years since he...”

It takes a lot to hold back the tears. Even after a decade, the pain of losing him still hurts so much. Kaidan doesn’t know what to say to take the pain away, so he hugs him instead. Cal would do just about anything to bring Ryan back, but that’s not how life works so he clings on to Kaidan and just tries not to cry.

A few more minutes pass, it’s about time for Kaidan to go downstairs when Samantha arrives. “Hello, you two. Shepard, we’re playing chess.”

“I’ll leave you to it then,” Kaidan says, standing. He smiles to himself as he leaves, already hearing Cal complain about the layout of the board.

Even though twenty minutes have passed, the food isn’t ready yet. The restaurant looks extra packed today so it’s easy to see why. He waits patiently, sending messages to his mom. More of his family has arrived but he puts off seeing them until later. He’s hungry and they need to answer the Council’s questions. Once they call his name, he grabs his bags and returns to the room.

“Cal, did you already lose?” he asks.

“Twice,” Sam laughs.

Shepard grumbles but then excitedly reaches out for his food. For the most part, Kaidan orders them food from the healthy section of the menu when Cal’s not eating hospital food. Neither of them needs to load up on junk, especially while Cal’s recovering, but today he lets him splurge. Kaidan hands Sam her meal then watches his boyfriend take a large chomp out of his burger. The three of them enjoy their food together and hang out for a bit before Traynor heads out.

“I’ll probably see you later,” she says. “We’ll call when Diana gets here.”

“Kay. We’re gonna close visiting hours down for a bit. We need to go through the Council’s questions,” Kaidan explains.

“Bleh. Have fun, boys.”

Cal sighs once they’re alone. “Alright,” Kaidan tells him. “Let’s get started. I’ll record our conversation and then ask Edi to transcribe it.”

“Gotta pretend we’re a little professional, yeah?”

He grins. “Yeah. So keep the joking to a minimum for a bit. You know the Council’s no fun.”

“Know that a little too well.”

“Also...if it gets to be too much at any point-”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.”

“ _Cal_. If you’re overwhelmed at any point, tell me so we can stop. Please, tell me.”

His voice is much more serious now. “I will. I promise.”

“Okay, hitting record now. This is Spectre Alenko and I’m speaking with Cal Shepard, spectre status waiting on reauthorization from the Council. First question, what happened when you launched the crucible? C-Sec has been able to piece things together, and the reapers are obviously no longer hostile, but what happened up there?”

Shepard begins with running (more like crawling) into the beam that took him to the Citadel. Only Anderson, the Illusive Man, and countless corpses joined him up there. Cal is completely honest, says he was forced to kill Anderson before shooting the Illusive Man. He describes the AI, doesn’t mention how it changed shapes, but he goes over the choices it gave him.

“I was exhausted and on the brink of death, but I was coherent enough to realize that it could’ve been lying to me about everything. But I didn’t believe it was. I chose to control the reapers.” The Council doesn’t need to know he struggled with synthesis, didn’t want to leave Kaidan behind, how he couldn’t destroy all synthetic life, so he chose to sacrifice his humanity to save the reapers.

“The reapers are powerful, we all know that. But it’s not their fault for what they were, the blame goes to the leviathan. I found a way to create peace without sacrificing entire races.”

“What happened after the crucible launched?”

Cal tries to really think about it. “It was...after I grabbed those bars...I wasn’t myself. The reapers just...stopped. I could see everything at once, I was no longer _me_. I...” He frowns at Kaidan. “I think my brain’s more synthetic than organic now. It has to be with the way I process commands to the reapers. That information would simply be too much for an organic to handle.”

“When you say you can ‘control’ the reapers, what exactly do you mean by that?”

“I give a command, they do it. When the crucible launched, they realized their mission changed. Each reaper has its own personality, did you know that? Maybe they’re an echo of the race they represent, I don’t know. But most of them don’t want to keep hurting us. The stubborn ones, I made them help. Fair payment for all the destruction they’ve caused. I’m sure most people wouldn’t agree with my decision. I suppose I understand--both them and the geth are responsible for a lot of death. But people change, and so can they--they have. I have a unique perspective from the other side of things, I know what they’re capable of. I don’t give many commands these days. The reapers that still help do so because they want to. The ones that don’t just want to be left alone. The galaxy has recovered enough that I allow them to do their own thing. I’ve intervened just enough so they won’t hurt anyone else. I don’t want them to be slaves, that’s the last thing I want to do to anyone.” He seems to forget this is a recording for the Council and speaks only to Kaidan. “I’m not a bad person, am I? Even if I give them freedom, I’m still _giving_ it to them. Freedom doesn’t truly belong to them.”

“It never belonged to them. They were slaves to the cycles, just like all of us were.”

“What makes me different from the leviathan?”

“They get to do what they want now, within reason, because of you. They’re no longer monsters but...citizens within this galaxy. They have...laws now. Like how the rest of us can do what we want, as long as we follow the law. You saved the entire Milky Way, saved organics and synthetics.” Kaidan places a warm hand on his knee. “You’re not a bad person, Cal.”

He places his hand on top of Kaidan’s.

“Look how far the galaxy’s come. In just a few years, so much of the damage has been repaired. That’s because of _you_.”

Cal lifts Kaidan’s hand and puts it on his face. “We should probably edit that last bit.”

“I’ll ask Edi to. Are you okay to keep going?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“How did you end up on Mizora, the colony in the Rosetta Nebula?”

“I don’t know. I was overwhelmed with the reapers, trying to sort everything out. And then...then...”

Kaidan already knows but he has to press on. “And then what?”

“And then all I remember is bright lights. I couldn’t see anything but lights beaming down on me. I don’t know where I was.”

Kaidan immediately recalls the laboratory and has to actively prevent himself from reacting negatively.

“I don’t know who or what took me to Mizora, I don’t know when I arrived. I sent you messages not actually knowing where I was.”

“Were you ever conscious?”

“Sort of. I think. I could see what the reapers were doing but it’s...not what you’re thinking. I’m not so much _seeing_ through their eyes as it is just...the information ingrained in my brain. That’s the best way to describe it.” He shrugs at Kaidan, that really is the best way.

“Do you know who’s kept you captive?”

“The leviathan. They want me and the reapers to fight for them. They want me to pick up where the reapers left off and fight in their name. They think they’re the superior race even though they’ve been hiding for millions of years.”

“Why would they think you’d agree?”

“They promised me power--but what power could they give me that I don’t already have? It’s not like I want it. Maybe they were hoping I’d lose more of my humanity--whatever that means. At first, it was like they were directly in my head. That’s how they talked to me. It never stopped. I don’t know how long it went on for. They said they’d keep me prisoner until I agreed, until I sent the reapers to attack the Citadel. They...” His eyes close. “They promised I could see you again. They said if I joined them then you would be spared.” Cal looks at him and his expression is so pained. “Sometimes I was so fucking tempted. They were so loud and it was so much, the one thing I remember most is missing you. I remember that. But I couldn’t do it. I know how bad you were hurting but I couldn’t make the reapers do bad things again. I refused. And eventually the voices stopped.”

Kaidan knows that must’ve been the moment the control chip broke.

“I was in the control room.”

“Why do you call it that?”

“They tried to harvest my power. For what exactly, I don’t know. Do you remember the blue stuff?”

“Yes. The room right before we found you had two huge pillars of blue...energy. The monsters avoided it. When Aria tackled one into a beam. It disintegrated while she was fine. I stuck my hand in to help her up. It kinda felt like biotics going through me. It...felt like you.”

Cal smiles at him a bit. “It was me. You said there was orbs in a different room, that they shattered when I was released.”

“Yeah. Nothing else made even a scratch on them. Maybe that’s why they sapped your power, for those orbs. Maybe for more stuff too. We didn’t explore the entire facility, we don’t know if that’s the only facility. Do you remember anything else?”

“Just glimpses of the creatures you described. I think they appeared after the voices stopped but it’s hard to give a timeline for anything. I see their gray skin, beady red eyes.” He looks down at his own chest and puts a hand on his heart. He doesn’t say anything but he doesn’t have to. Kaidan knows what he’s thinking.

“Do you know where the monsters originated?”

“No.”

“Do you know where the leviathan could be now?”

“No.”

“They wants to know why you didn’t use the reapers to draw attention to your location.”

“They would’ve killed you,” Cal whispers. “Maybe they were just bluffing but I couldn’t take that chance. I sent you messages so they wouldn’t know. It exhausted me but I thought it was safer.”

“You said in one of the messages that they found out.”

He nods. “So I guess they were bluffing after all. The only people who sent someone looking for you are the Council.”

“Unless they decided to organize their forces at the facility in preparation for our arrival. The fights we fought...weren’t with the element of surprise on our side. What are your plans next?”

“I don’t fuckin’ know. Do the interview with Allers, deal with the aftermath of that, get out of this damn hospital, build my life with you. I suppose eventually we’ll...have to fight the leviathan. But first we have to find them.”

“At this point, we have no clue where to even start looking. They just disappeared.”

“What are the chances they’ll just stay hidden forever? The reapers don’t know either. I don’t know how things so large could sneak away.”

“That’s all the questions the Council has for now.”

“Pfft. ‘For now.’ One last thing, I want my spectre status back. I’ll keep sending messages until it’s reinstated.”

The recording ends, they’re back in their own private world. He sends the file to Edi and she finishes it quickly. “Are you okay? How do you feel?”

“I feel fine.”

“Do you want me to let visiting hours continue?”

He shakes his head. “Not yet. I want to lay down with you.”

Kaidan nods, kicks off his shoes, then settles next to him. He holds Cal close. They don’t talk, just stay together peacefully. Kaidan wonders how the Council will react to the answers. He’s worried they’ll grow scared and intimidated by Cal’s presence and power. Will they try to confine him? Imprison him? Kaidan will never allow that to happen. He hopes they know that. Just when Kaidan thinks he’s fallen asleep, Cal speaks.

“You said more of your family arrived?”

“Yeah, from my dad’s side. Avery’s dad. Shawn and their kids. I think James and his husband are coming with my grandma. More cousins and their kids.”

“Your family’s so big.”

“Yeah. Holidays and birthdays were always quite the affair.”

“Ryan had a big family too. But his parents are the ones I know best. Some of his cousins would always call us a couple and it was annoying as fuck. I got in a fist fight with one of them when I was...twenty-two? Twenty-three?”

“Was it over that?”

“Sort of. Punched him good the day after American Thanksgiving. He was a twat in general though, had it coming. He and Ryan never got along.”

“I’m guessing he won’t be coming for a visit then?”

“Heh, probably not. His moms were nice, so were his brothers. I slept with one of them once and I felt so uncomfortable after.”

“Why?”

“I dunno, he was Ryan’s family, and Ryan’s pretty much my family so...it felt weird. That’s probably the one person I regret fucking the most. Ryan just rolled his eyes at me when I told him. I don’t think he was surprised whatsoever.” He misses Ryan so much every day. The things he’d give to have his best friend here with him. Seeing his parents will be nice at least. “I’m tired of this hospital.”

“I know. You’re pretty healthy, all things considered. Hopefully they’ll release you soon.”

There’s nothing really wrong with him besides his strange looking skin and heart. What reasons do they have for keeping him here besides to ‘watch’ for anything new? Not Chakwas and Miranda, but Cal wouldn’t be at all surprised if the rest of his team of doctors thought of him as nothing more than a science experiment. Once his interview with Diana is broadcast and everyone knows he’s alive, maybe he’ll be able to push for his release. He wants to go home, to an apartment he’s never seen, so he can spend time comfortably with Kaidan. Then they’ll figure out what to do from there.

~~~~~

_‘You are alone, Shepard.’_

_‘Give in to us, and we will release you.’_

_‘Lend us your strength and you will see Kaidan Alenko again.’_

It’s dark. So, so dark. And cold. Cal has never been so freezing in his life--not even on Noveria, not even when he dived deep into Despoina’s ocean and...

The things he’d give to see Kaidan again. He needs Kaidan, wants to touch him, kiss him, wants Kaidan to save him from this hell. This is a fate worse than death. But they’ll hurt Kaidan if he’s not careful. And that will kill him inside. But it’s so dark and he’s so scared and he’s so alone. The leviathan want his reapers, and he’s tempted to give them to him if only to see Kaidan again. He’s so tempted to give in if only to stop the voices in his head.

But he can’t.

He knows that.

He has to stay strong, if not for himself then for Kaidan.

_‘You are alone, Shepard.’_

_‘Fight for us, or you will never be free.’_

~~~~~

“Stop. Stop! _Stop! STOP!_ ”

He feels something at his back. Is it one of those monsters with the grotesque tongue? Or the tall, menacing _thing?_ In a fit of terror, he flails his arm in its direction.

“Oof! Cal, it’s me!”

His eyes open and he realizes he’s curled up on his side. The lights turn on. He stares at the wall. He’s in the hospital. Or is this just an illusion? Is this a trick by the leviathan to lure him to their side? By showing him what could be?

What if he blinks and he’s still in the control room and none of this is real?

Cal’s unresponsive so Kaidan calls for a doctor. He’s scared and worried about where Cal is mentally right now. He hit him pretty hard and he frantically wonders what made him do so. Who was he screaming ‘stop’ at? Has...the leviathan found a way to speak to him again?

The doctor comes and Kaidan explains what happened, desperately trying to keep his anxiety under control. Cal turns onto his back but his eyes are dazed and unfocused. He wants to grab his hand or something but is scared to. Not because he cares about getting smacked again but because he doesn’t want to frighten him again.

The doctor checks Cal’s vitals, looks at his eyes, scans him. Kaidan finally goes to the side of his bed, out of the way. He touches the bend of his arm and lightly moves his fingertips down all the way to his wrist. He does it a second time and Shepard blinks.

“Cal?” he says carefully.

He turns his head toward him. “What’s going on?”

“The doctor’s just checking up on you. I think you had a nightmare.”

Shepard answers a few questions but now that he’s aware, nothing seems to be wrong so the doctor leaves. But Kaidan knows he isn’t alright.

“What happened?” he asks.

“I heard the leviathan,” Cal whispers.

Kaidan’s heart drops. “What did they say?”

“They want me to fight for them. They said if I did, I could see you again. But...you’re right here.” He suddenly shoves himself up, eyes wide as he grabs Kaidan’s shirt. “Are you?! Am I really here? Where am I?”

Kaidan slowly runs his hands over him. “We are at Huerta Memorial. You escaped from them, a crew of your friends and I rescued you. I am here with you and you didn’t have to give them the reapers in exchange. They can’t get inside your head anymore.” He cups his face. “This is real, Cal. I’m here. You’re here. And you’re safe.”

Cal grabs his hand, trying to calm down, trying to convince himself this isn’t a trick. The leviathan’s voice was so loud, even louder than he remembers. So vivid, so horrifying. How did he survive for almost three years?

“Do you want to try to go back to sleep?” Kaidan asks.

He shakes his head.

“Do you need anything? Want anything?”

“I don’t know. Lay back down with me.”

Kaidan slips under the blanket. He keeps his worry hidden so not to stress Cal out more. But if the leviathan mentioned Kaidan, it had to be a memory, a nightmare. It’s not real. The leviathan can’t talk to Cal. They don’t have him, they’ll never have him again.

“Wanna watch tv?” Anything is better than silence right now.

“Yeah,” he says softly.

Kaidan flips through the channels until he lands on a galactic cooking competition. He’s tired but probably won’t sleep again for the day. Still four hours of the night cycle to go. However scared he is, Cal must be feeling that tenfold and he feels so bad. The Council questions must’ve started this, unlocked some blocked off part of his memory. Kaidan feels guilt on top of everything. All he can do right now is hold Cal tight and hope these nightmares don’t continue.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is nsfw and the reason this story has an explicit rating *thumbs up emoji*

Kaidan thinks it’s a good thing Ryan’s parents’ shuttle was delayed. Seeing them boosts Cal’s mood significantly, which is exactly what he needed after last night’s nightmares. They’re both incredibly nice to Kaidan and he can see where Ryan got the kindness Cal has talked about so much. However, Isabella isn’t nearly as stealthy as she thinks when slipping Cal a liquor bottle.

When they leave to get settled in a hotel, he goes over to bed. He shoves his hand under the blanket, right between Shepard’s legs, and ignores the smirk thrown his way. He pulls out an expensive bottle of vodka.

“Oh, come on!” Cal exclaims, clearly annoyed. “This hospital is dry as a desert!”

“Yes, because it’s a _hospital_. How about we save this and celebrate when we get home? Is that fair?”

Cal pouts but then nods. Later in the day, he’s sitting with a datapad and pen. He scribbles on it, planning what exactly to say during his interview with Diana. They saw her yesterday. She’s giving a short introduction and then handing the segment off to him. He’ll explain what happened, how he was never actually dead, how he was rescued. Part of him is keeping the Council in mind. He doesn’t actually care about what they’ll think about him and his answers, but he is curious about it. Kaidan’s promised to tell him as soon as they contact him. He doesn’t plan on keeping the leviathan a secret and he hopes the Council doesn’t try to coerce him into silence. Maybe they’ll be so intimidated by him and his reapers that they’ll just go along with whatever he wants.

He frowns, hating that thought. He doesn’t want to be anymore scary or intimidating than he was before the crucible. Someone thinking he’ll send reapers after them if they disobey him? He hates that idea so fucking much.

Should he tell the public the truth? That he can control the reapers? If he lies or omits major details, will they find out? He already knows everyone’s going to analyze every single word of his statement. He can say the crucible changed the reapers in ways he doesn’t understand, instead of saying he commands them. But then why would the leviathan want him? Without the reapers, he’s just some loudmouth biotic asshole who knows how to fight. Why bother capturing him? How else would he have survived if not for the synthetic side of himself?

Maybe he should just tell the truth. People have always hated him for his decisions. People have always judged him harshly and unfairly. Cal knows he had to make an impossible choice and suffered because of it. Who cares what a galaxy of strangers says about him, have always said about him? The important thing, besides announcing his return, is warning them of the danger. Once they discover where the leviathan are hiding, he’ll ask the reapers what they think. He hopes enough of them will want to help. The leviathan are the reapers creators but the leviathan have given everyone in the galaxy nothing but pain and destruction. They need to be ended.

He hopes the reapers don’t someday view him the same way. He tries to be fair, tries his hardest not to be anything like the leviathan. He hopes he’s succeeding.

“The Council messaged me back.”

He looks up from his datapad as Kaidan continues.

“They thanked us both and now they want to vid call.”

Shepard sighs. “Better than them coming down here.”

“Heh. Let’s try not to hang up on them if we get mad, okay?”

“Ugh. I guess. Joker always thought it was funny.”

“Well, you know I’m not funny.”

“Okay, that is not true whatsoever. But fine, I promise not to be a dick to them.”

Kaidan sets the screen up then sits in a chair next to the bed. The councilors appear and Shepard’s eyes immediately land on the unfamiliar human. “You’re new,” he says.

“Yes, Councilor Ramirez joined us shortly after the war ended,” Irissa explains. “She was on leave for the last few months, but she’s been informed of all the details of this situation.”

Cal nods at the woman and she nods back. “Where you from?”

“Mexico City,” she answers and he smiles. He says something to her in Spanish that Kaidan doesn’t understand before reverting back to English.

“First off,” Irissa begins, “it is truly a relief to see you awake. The doctors inform us that you’re near perfect health.”

“We’re still being careful though,” Kaidan interjects.

“Of course. Your heart and skin are still being closely monitored, but it looks like you’ll be released soon.”

“That’s what I’m hoping. So you’ve read through everything Kaidan sent?”

“Yes. A terrifying situation. We may not have always agreed, Shepard, but we are glad to see you alive and well. But let’s dive right in.”

“Are you sure this is the leviathan we’re facing?” Quentius asks.

“Yes. I spoke to them on Despoina. I know what they sound like. Reread my report about it, we always knew their help was going to come with a price. They still think they’re the superior race.”

“So superior that they’re in hiding.”

“Right? But I don’t know where they are.”

“The teams we sent to investigate Mizora and the facility Alenko found you in discovered no clues to where they could be. They found another room full of these orbs, however, they emitted no energy or seemed to possess much function. Still, they were dealt with carefully and precautions have been taken now that we have them on the Citadel.”

“What about the creatures Kaidan fought? Did you recover the bodies?”

“Sort of. There were no bodies in the halls. But live monsters were roaming around. They were able to bring those bodies back.”

“Is it more likely that the creatures Kaidan killed reanimated or those new ones destroyed the corpses for some reason?”

“If they do reanimate, we will find that out soon.”

“Heh. Bring back any live ones?”

“Yes. We have them in cells for now.”

Cal feels uneasy about that. They’re bloodthirsty monsters but keeping them captive...well, he has to remember they aren’t people anymore. They aren’t aware of anything. They’re just the leviathan’s weapons now. “I’d like to see them.”

“That can be arranged. For what purpose?”

“Maybe...they’ll give me some idea about where they came from, maybe I’ll remember something. I should look at the orbs too.”

“Okay. Once you’re released from the hospital.”

“I suppose we should talk about the reapers.”

“Yes...since the crucible launched, they’ve been nothing but helpful. There have been no hostile incidents on their part. It seems we have you to thank for that.”

“Yes, it’s as I said. I give them commands and they obey.”

“So they are your thralls.”

He doesn’t like that word. “The only thing I do is make sure they don’t hurt anyone anymore.”

“You said some of the reapers _want_ to help rebuild. Surely you understand how difficult it is for us to believe that.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I said I get it. But it’s the truth. I don’t know what else to tell you. I don’t want an army of reapers at my disposal.”

“Then why did you choose to ‘control’ them?” Quentius asks.

He glares at the turian. “I don’t like what you’re implying.”

“It’s a genuine question.”

“Because destroying the reapers would’ve destroyed the geth and AIs as well. Synthesis would’ve...killed me. I was scared to die,” he admits. His gaze is still hard but Kaidan knows he’s just trying to hide his feelings from them.

“Shepard,” Ramirez says. “I want you to know that we are not judging you or your decisions. We just want to ensure we understand everything fully.”

He’s still not completely sure about that. But he’ll choose to believe them for now. “Well, there’s my reasoning. They don’t know where the leviathan are either.”

“They don’t have a connection to their creators?”

“If they did, it was lost long before our cycle.”

“Are we sure they’ll still be on our side once it’s time to battle the leviathan?”

“Again, they have no connection to them. The reason they stayed hidden is because the reapers would’ve slaughtered them the same as us.”

“Can’t you just ask them?”

“I...can. It’s not an instantaneous process. I can see which would be willing to lend us their strength.”

“If enough don’t volunteer, you can simply order them-”

“No,” Cal says calmly, but that single word carries a lot of weight. “If none of them volunteer then we find another way. Synthetic life is still life.”

“The reapers are most useful as weapons-”

“No, they’re not!” he growls and Kaidan watches his eyes flash red. The Council doesn’t utter another word. Kaidan rests a hand on his knee, a small reminder that Cal is not alone. “I’m not forcing them into a new war and that’s final.”

“Fine,” Irissa relents. “Ask them and once we have a location, we’ll work out a strategy.”

He nods, his eyes are still red. Kaidan wonders if the synthetic bits have altered his personality. Shepard is the Butcher of Torfan, he willingly worked with Cerberus, he’s always been more of a ‘ends justify the means’ person. Would the old Cal at least consider using the reapers against their will? Kaidan knows he would consider it, but then decide not to. He has limits, that hasn’t changed.

“The final thing we’d like to discuss is your statement to the public.”

“I was trying to write it out before this call. I’m choosing Diana Allers to be the reporter I speak to.”

“An unsurprising choice. Many people don’t know about the leviathan, or think they’re a myth.”

“Well, they’re about to find out. I’m telling everything. If I don’t, they’ll tear my story to shreds. The press will never leave me alone. They’re still gonna harass me but it’ll die down eventually. I was kidnapped because I can control the reapers. Why else would I be held captive for three years?”

“This will have consequences.”

“So will not telling them. Do you have a good lie for me? I mean, look at me. There’s no hiding this webbing, sometimes my eyes change color. ‘Oh, guess they stole me just to do a little cosmetic surgery.’ I know this statement will only raise more questions but I don’t feel like spinning a big web of lies. My brain can keep track of it, but I don’t want to.”

Irissa sighs. “It’s up to you. The Council will stand behind you.”

“I’m gonna be blunt for a second-”

They all laugh. “Aren’t you always blunt?” Esheel asks.

“Heh, yeah. I have to ask though--are you standing with me in solidarity or in fear?”

That’s something Kaidan wants to know as well. They both know what the Council’s going to say but if Cal detects any hint of lying, it’ll crush him.

Irissa is the one to answer. “Controlling the reapers is a tremendous responsibility. But if someone must do so, then who better a choice than the person who saved the Milky Way? We may have disagreed in the past but we know you’ve always acted in the galaxy’s best interest. That hasn’t changed, right?”

“No, it’ hasn’t. The proof is all around us, in everything the reapers have helped repair.”

She nods. “Is your segment with Allers being broadcast live?”

“No. She’s coming by in a few hours but it won’t air until tomorrow.” He waves his hand. “Too much pressure live.”

“We’ll probably speak after it airs. We’ll let you rest now.”

“One last thing though,” Quentius states. “Welcome back, Spectre Shepard.”

When the call disconnects, Cal looks at Kaidan. His eyes are green again. “What do you think?”

“Uhhh,” Kaidan fumbles. “It sounded like they were telling the truth. They didn’t sound afraid.”

“I didn’t think so either. Just making sure I’m not hallucinating.”

“Are you going back to writing your statement?”

“No, I got another call to make.” He disables video for this one. Kaidan wonders what address he’s typing until the call is answered.

“Who is this?”

“Hey, where the fuck are you?” Cal asks.

“I lead a busy life.”

“Aria, maybe you haven’t heard but I’m alive? And awake? And I know you went to Mizora with Kaidan. And I also know he’s updated you on my condition.”

“I’ve been busy. I will be there when I’m able,” she grits.

“Pfft. Everyone else has come. Aren’t we friends? Huh? Aren’t we?”

“You’re annoying. Yes...we are. Look, I’ll be there soon. Alright?”

“By the time you get here, I’ll be out of the hospital. Hopefully.”

“That was fast.”

“It’s felt like an eternity. But seriously, I...I want to see you.”

She sighs. “I’ll leave soon. Omega’s a bit far from the Citadel.”

“Yeah, I remember. Fine, I’ll let you go since I’m so annoying.”

“Ugh, you’re only slightly annoying. I’m glad you’re okay--there, I said it.”

“Such a wonderful friendship you two share,” Kaidan mutters to himself.

“See you _soon._ ”

“See ya, Shepard.”

“I wonder why she hasn’t come...” he wonders aloud.

“I dunno. Do you think she’s really on her way?”

“Yeah, she wouldn’t straight up lie about it. She knows I’ll never stop calling otherwise.” He huffs dramatically and throws himself over the bed. “What the fuck am I supposed to say to the public?”

“That you were wrongly declared deceased. Parts of your memory are still gone but you were taken by the leviathan. Explain what they are, why they wanted you.”

“What if a mob shows up with pitchforks?”

“Remind them that the reapers have been doing good since the war ended.”

He starts writing again. Kaidan turns the tv on for some background noise. “Mind if my family comes? My uncles just arrived with my grandma.”

“Yeah, sure.” He jots bullet points down, maybe he’ll just wing it. If he stutters or messes up, they can just re-shoot. He and Kaidan are talking about the new Blasto movie when people walk in. An old lady he’s never seen, Kaidan’s uncles, and his mom. The stranger is Kaidan’s dad’s mom, his dad died when Kaidan was a teenager.

“Cal speaks better Chinese than me,” he tells his grandma. “He’s fluent in a lot of languages.”

That’s always been true, he’s always had a talent for picking up foreign languages. But his new brain is even more efficient, almost like his own private computer. He grew up speaking Spanish and English, but Chinese is something he’s known since his early twenties. His grandma perks up, happy to speak her native language without translators. Kaidan can understand without one but has trouble stringing sentences together by himself. People have brought gifts--food, alcohol, flowers. His uncles give an expensive box of chocolates that Cal (and his grandma when he offers) quickly digs into.

Listening to them laugh together lifts Kaidan’s own mood. His uncles are always fun company too. Maybe when Cal gets released, he’ll throw a party in celebration. Cal certainly deserves it.

The two of them are in the hall later, walking Kaidan’s family out, when Diana and Sam arrive. Her camera’s flying behind them.

Cal groans. “Be ready to edit the hell out of this disaster,” he half-jokes. They return to the room. Kaidan sets up chairs for them while Shepard changes into a plain t-shirt. He looks over his notes one last time before tossing the datapad onto the bed. Kaidan and Traynor sit out of the camera’s view and simply watch.

“Does ANN know about this?” Shepard asks.

“All I said was this would be the biggest story since the war ended. They trust me to deliver.”

“Wouldn’t it be funny if this ended up being a flop?”

“Stop hoping,” Kaidan says.

“Ugh. Alright, I guess I’m ready.”

She nods and the camera’s light turns on. “Hello, this is Diana Allers with ANN. Today, I have a very special guest with me. Not only is he a hero, but he’s a very good friend. He’s a person who needs no introduction so I’m going to hand things off to him.”

The camera turns, gets a full view of him. He begins talking. “As I’m sure many of you know, I’m Cal Shepard and as you can see, I didn’t die in London when the reaper war ended. Both C-Sec and the Alliance were mistaken. I’m going to explain what happened, I’ve always thought it important to share the truth with the galaxy.” And he does exactly that. He reveals the truth about him controlling the reapers all this time and where his strange markings come from, who the leviathan are and why they wanted him. “I’d still be their prisoner if not for my friends and my boyfriend, Kaidan Alenko. He led a team to a planet that was supposedly never colonized and they fought through horrid creatures to rescue me. Now we’re communicating with the Council, we will discuss strategies for searching for and ultimately defeating the leviathan. For the moment, I’m recovering in the hospital and readjusting to everyday life. The galaxy has overcome many obstacles. When the time comes, we will overcome this as well.”

Diana gives a final statement and then the camera shuts off. “Do you want to see the final product before it airs in...about twelve hours?”

“Yeah, sure. I still don’t have my own omni-tool yet so send it to Kay.”

“Will do. Now we can talk for fun instead of business. I miss sharing ho adventures with you.”

Cal laughs loudly. “So do I. Though _someone_ has refused to give me anything good to share.”

Kaidan huffs. “He’s mad because I told him we weren’t fucking in a hospital. Someone will end up walking in, either a doctor or my family, and that’s just a horrible situation.”

“Remember the casino? Being in public didn’t stop you there.”

He laughs at a bit. “There was nothing normal about that entire night.”

They each remember it vividly. There really was nothing normal about fighting off Shepard’s clone and nearly dying because of him. “I dragged you upstairs in the apartment pretending I wanted to fuck--well, that’s never pretend--to tell you my suspicions about Brooks.”

“And your suspicions were definitely correct.”

“Speaking of the apartment, what happened to it?”

Their expressions tell him everything but Kaidan answers anyways. “It ended up destroyed. They did rebuild the strip but I decided to...donate it. To people who had nowhere to go after the war. Almost that entire building was donated, people are still misplaced.”

“Sheesh. That’s what Anderson would’ve wanted.” Cal misses him terribly, is still racked with guilt even though he knows logically it wasn’t his fault. Anderson’s last words were telling Cal that it wasn’t his fault and that he was so, so proud of him. “You should take pictures of your current place so I know what it looks like.”

“Our place. It’s not that impressive.”

“It’s still home. You need to order me a new omni-tool.”

“Ugh, I keep forgetting. Doing that now.”

While Kaidan does that, Diana tells Shepard about the time she convinced Sam to break into a fancy apartment complex’s hot tub on Illium. “It was the night before I had a huge interview with someone living in the apartments. Some retired hotshot commando.”

He grins. “You could’ve lost your job if you were caught.”

“Part of the thrill. ANN knows my worth though, they wouldn’t get rid of me for something like that.”

“I could barely enjoy it, I was so worried about getting caught,” Sam admits.

“We need to hang out when I’m out of here and break the law together,” Shepard tells Allers.

Both their partners voice their disagreements but know it’s useless. Now that they’ve thought of it, it’ll happen. When Chakwas and another doctor come in, the two women leave. Diana promises to send the segment over before it airs.

“Time to scan your markings, Shepard,” Chakwas tells him.

He strips and lays on the bed so they can scan his body. Heart function is normal, leg is fine. But the other doctor murmurs something that Kaidan immediately asks about. Chakwas explains.

“This webbing on your chest, it looks more intricate.”

“It changed?”

“Just a bit. This is the first time it has happened.”

Kaidan’s trying not to panic as they look at his skin through machines to magnify it.

“These gray patches haven't gotten larger. But the patterns are more detailed than they were yesterday.” They let Kaidan have a look. “Are you in any pain or discomfort?”

“Nope,” Cal says.

“Alright, you can redress. We’ll continue to keep an eye on it. But nothing else seems to be wrong. As long as it stays that way, you’re going to be released tomorrow.”

“Oh, thank fuck,” Cal groans as he pulls his shorts back on.

He doesn’t seem at all concerned about the webbing so Kaidan doesn’t ask anymore questions. He’ll discuss it privately with Chakwas. When the doctors leave, Cal looks nothing but excited.

“We finally get to go home together!”

And that makes Kaidan smile wide. Cal’s going to walk through a door he’s never walked through, sleep in a bed he’s never slept in, but it’s as much his home as it’s been Kaidan’s. “I can’t wait for that to happen.” He can finally give Cal his box of belongings back, kiss him in the privacy of their own bedroom. “I’ll go in the morning and get things ready. I need to get groceries and get you some more clothes and stuff. Wash our dusty blankets.” He can order everything online and have it delivered. He places his order and also sends Chakwas a message. She’s unconcerned as well and he guesses he should just be glad Cal isn’t in any pain. The couple is so excited for his release that they forget all about the nightmares from the night before.

Until Cal screams himself awake.

Kaidan nearly flails right off the bed. He sits up and sees Cal curled up on his side. “Are you-”

“I heard them again.”

Kaidan’s hand runs up and down his back. “What did they say?”

“They just keep telling me to give in. Over and over and over again. They said I’d see you again. You’d be spared during their reign, I’d be made a king.”

“They can’t get you anymore. I know it’s scary but these memories aren’t them.” He’s still on his side. “Will you look at me?” It takes a few moments before he moves. He rolls over onto his back, he’s crying.

“If they’re memories...I can’t tell the difference. They sound so real. It makes me think all this is fake right now.”

Kaidan’s sometimes scared this is fake too but for different reasons. “All I can do is hold you and promise this is real. I’m really here with you and I’m never going to leave your side.” Seeing Cal in such misery hurts and he’s terrified that this somehow is the leviathan. But if they’re whispering of Kaidan, it can’t be real. He just needs to keep reminding himself and Cal of that. The leviathan were unable to keep them apart. Nightmares are normal for someone who’s traumatized.

Cal’s hand finds his. “I’m so fucking exhausted.”

Kaidan is too. “Wanna go back to sleep?”

“I...guess.”

They try it again. Cal puts his head on Kaidan and Kaidan already feels relaxed. He convinces himself these nightmares stem from the stress of being in the hospital. Once they’re home, things will be better. He tells Cal that, and he agrees. His eyes close and Kaidan isn’t sure if he’s asleep. Probably not. He doesn’t mean to fall asleep as quickly as he does but he can’t help it.

The next morning, Kaidan doesn’t want to get up early but he has to. By the time he walks out of the bathroom freshly showered, Cal’s just waking up.

“Morning,” he murmurs.

“Morning,” Kaidan says and gives him a kiss. “Did you sleep better the second time around?”

“Yeah.” He sits up, hair sticking in different directions.

“Diana sent me the vid. Want to watch it?”

“Uh-huh. Put it on the tv. Do you have time to watch it?”

“Yeah, it’s not that long.” They watch it together and when Kaidan asks, Cal says he’s satisfied with it.

“My email is going to blow the fuck up.”

“You can ask Edi to screen your messages for you.”

“Oh fuck, you’re right. I doubt she’ll mind.”

“I already asked my mom to stay with you while I go out. I have some errands to run.”

“Alright, I’ll call you when they give me a time. Kiss me before she gets here.”

They’re making out on the bed when the door slides open. Kaidan pops up in a hurry, Cal has a grin on his face. They have a couple seconds before his mom appears.

“Morning, boys.”

Kaidan stays a couple minutes before heading out. He has groceries scheduled to arrive soon, wants to do laundry as well, and put all of Cal’s new replacement belongings away. Things still sort of feel unreal. He’s been so busy. Sneaking off the Citadel, going to various planets and Omega, fighting through hoards of monsters, Cal’s recovery, the tons of family and friends he’s had to entertain. Will they finally just get to relax today?

Unlikely. He still has family coming and certain people need to leave soon. He knows Wrex and Tali have already extended their time to be with Cal but their planets need them back. His aunt needs to return to work soon. If he wants to throw a party, it probably can’t be any later than tomorrow. He’ll double check first but he’s sure Cal will be up for it.

All the food’s put away, laundry in the dryer, and he’s lying on the couch when he gets a call.

“I got my omni-tool!” Cal exclaims.

“Good. Just in time for the swarm.”

“I already talked to Edi. I’m gonna forward my email to her, she’ll filter out unfamiliar addresses and screen them for me, then send them back. I should get her a gift or something as thanks. Anyways, the doctors are gonna scan me one more time and then I’ll be able to leave.”

“Okay, I’ll come back-”

“I can bring him, Kaid,” he hears his mom say.

“Are you sure? I should be there.”

“It’s fine, babe,” Cal promises. “Get that place ready for me.”

“It is. Also, how do you feel about a party before people need to go?”

He sighs. “Wrex stopped by for a few. I know he and Garrus have to go soon. Tali too.” When the time comes to fight the leviathan, who will be there with him? “We should have the party tonight!”

“Cal, no,” both Kaidan and his mom say.

“Tomorrow?”

“That’s better. I’ll message the group chat. Oh, and add you.”

“Wrex already did.”

“When’d he leave?”

“Right before I called you. I got to talk to Bakara so that was nice. Things are going real well on Tuchanka. Tali says geth-quarian relations improve every day. I’m so fucking relieved.”

“It’s the galaxy we fought for.”

“It is. I’ll let you go now. The doctors should be here soon.”

“Okay. Love you.”

“Love you too. See you in a bit.”

They hang up and Kaidan receives a message half a minute later.

‘I’m already getting messages and Edi says extranet searches of my name have spiked tremendously.’

‘Not surprising.’

‘I hope they don’t start waiting in front of the hospital.’

‘Me or Garrus can contact C-Sec and see if they’ll keep the area clear.’

‘That’s a good idea. I’ll shoot Garrus a message about it.’

He stays on the couch until the dryer beeps. He doesn’t want to get up but he has to make their bed. As he grabs the blankets and sheets, group chat notifications keep going off . He doesn’t pay it any attention, probably Cal announcing the party. Should they have it here? This apartment is small compared to Anderson’s on the strip. They could rent out a restaurant for the night, Kaidan has the credits to do so. When he finally opens the chat, he sees that he was right.

‘Our apartment’s a little small for all of us plus my family. We should rent out a restaurant for the night.’

Everyone immediately throws in suggestions and Kaidan nips it by saying Cal should choose. He says he’ll think of a place soon, he needs to research what his options are since the Citadel’s been rebuilt. The conversation dies down for a bit. Then Cal sends him a private message.

‘They scanned me. No change from yesterday. Good, I guess?’

‘Yes, it’s good. I think we’ve had enough change and excitement for a bit.’

‘Just for a bit though. I have some form to sign and then me and your mom will be there.’

‘Can’t wait.’

Kaidan figures he might be selfish but he hopes no one else comes. Once Cal’s home, he wants him all for himself. They’ve earned some private time. He receives another email. Probably the group again-

“Oh,” he says aloud. It’s someone from Mizora.

‘Kaidan Alenko,

My name is Lena and I’m an asari from Mizora. I don’t know if you remember me but I am the one who took you and your friend to see Korlakh. I remember glimpses of my time on the colony. I remember viewing myself from outside my body. I remember wanting to say or do something, but being unable to because of an unknown force. I know we all have you to thank for breaking that control, so that is why I’m writing this letter. It’s tough knowing I’ve missed out on years of my life, but thank you for returning the rest of it to me. The doctors say no lasting harm was done, however, I think those of us on the colony will always have a connection to each other. I saw the interview, I’m glad your boyfriend was rescued and is well. This galaxy needs all the good news it can get. Take care.’

It’s a relief to get confirmation from an actual colonist that they’re alright. Like Cal, it’ll probably be an adjustment getting used to normal life again. At least that group will be able to recover together.

He decides to go wait downstairs. He really hopes people don’t crowd around Huerta or this complex. The last thing Cal needs right now is to get in a fight with the paparazzi or some random nosy citizen. People murmur as he exits the elevator but he’s used to that. Nobody says anything directly. He picks a chair with a view of the front entrance and waits.

He can’t properly describe the feeling he gets when he sees Cal walk through those doors. Kaidan smiles and stands, and tears gather in his eyes. This is what he fought for, what he’s dreamed of since the war ended. And now it’s reality. Kaidan rushes up to him and his mom and hugs Cal tightly. His embrace is warm, lips soft as he presses a kiss against them.

He thanks his mom for bringing him. She tells them she’s going back to her hotel and that she’s just one call away if they need anything else. Then she’s gone and the couple is alone in a lobby full of strangers.

Kaidan grabs Cal’s small suitcase of belongings then grabs his hand. “Let’s go home,” he says. Cal smiles and then they go home together.

~~~~~

They’re on the bed together--their bed--Kaidan on top of Cal. He’s careful about the way his weight is distributed. Cal wraps a leg around his waist. Kaidan grabs the other leg, the one full of cybernetic bone, and pushes it up. They’re both still fully clothed but they’re both aching. It’s been so long and they’re starved for the intimacy they’ve shared for years. Cal’s hands clutch Kaidan’s shirt desperately as they kiss.

No doctors to poke and prod, no friends running in, no family to interrupt. Kaidan promised once he was out of the hospital and Cal doesn’t want to wait a second longer.

“I’m ready,” Cal says, still clinging to him. “I’m fine. I feel better than I have in years. I want you.”

“I want you too,” he whispers. “But you have to promise me, if you get tired or feel worn out then tell me.”

Cal cups his cheek. “I promise. Now keep kissing me.”

That’s something Kaidan can happily listen to. He kisses Cal thoroughly as his hand snakes up his shirt. He puts his feet on the bed and rubs his hips up against Kaidan until arousal courses through both of them. Kaidan takes his shirt off then helps pull Cal up so he can yank his off too. They tumble back onto the mattress in a flurry of lips and hands.

Kaidan immediately goes for the sensitive spot on his neck. Cal turns his head and rubs his hand against the growing bulge in his boyfriend’s pants. Part of him worries that Kaidan will be put off by the gray and black patches on his skin, but fingertips skim down his chest, lips touch the webbing like nothing and he relaxes. Kaidan starts crawling down his body, tongue licking a steady path towards his shorts.

Cal waits impatiently, chest rising and falling with each eager breath, and then the fabric is sliding down his legs and Kaidan tosses the shorts to the floor. After his shower, he didn’t bother with underwear, hoping--knowing--things would lead to this. His legs spread and he watches Kaidan fumble to take his own pants off. Then he falls between his legs. A few light touches and kisses have already made his cock hard and he knows he’s going to cum embarrassingly fast. Though he knows he doesn’t have anything to be embarrassed about around Kaidan.

He gasps loudly as a tongue licks his head. A hand wraps around the base and slowly strokes him as Kaidan keeps licking. His hips squirm when lips wrap around his dick and sink down. His eyes close and fingers thread through Kaidan’s thick hair as he sucks his cock.

“God, I love you,” he eventually murmurs and Kaidan pulls away with a laugh and starts jerking him off again.

“You’re so easy.”

Cal looks down and grins. “I’ve always been easy, you know that.” He watches Kaidan nuzzle his thigh and his heart swells. He loves Kaidan so, so much. His head hits the bed again when his legs get pushed up. He loves Kaidan’s tongue, and his fingers, and his cock. Cal’s been so eager to feel him like this again and waiting in the hospital was so hard, but Shepard understood his reservations even if he didn’t like them. He moans in anticipation when Kaidan licks behind his balls and then lower across his skin, until he reaches his destination.

He moans loudly as Kaidan pushes his cheeks apart and dives between them. His cock is aching as his hole is vigorously licked. Cal feels his entire body quiver, Kaidan feels so good and he’s so relieved that no matter what he looks like, no matter what he is, Kaidan still sees the same person he fell in love with. It doesn’t matter if the entire galaxy thinks he’s some sort of monster, because he has his friends and he has Kaidan still by his side.

But now he’s thinking entirely too much about other things right in the middle of sex. “Please tell me you have lube,” he groans.

Kaidan pushes himself up and Cal immediately regrets speaking. “I did buy a new bottle when I ordered groceries and new stuff for you.”

“Good, I’d rather not use olive oil.”

“I bought olive oil too.”

He gets up and it gives Cal a minute to breathe and to calm down a bit. He doesn’t want to cum quite yet. “Glad to know you were thinking about sex too.”

“Of course I was. I love sex with you, waiting’s been hard but I wanted to make sure you were okay. Besides, the hospital isn’t exactly sexy.”

“True. But now we don’t have to worry about anyone interrupting. It’s just us.”

Kaidan smiles and climbs back onto the bed. They kiss and Shepard’s fingers wrap around Kaidan’s erection. It’s thick and hard in his hand, his thumb caresses the tip. He straightens up, clearly enjoying Cal’s touch, and opens the lube. He eventually stops the light handjob so Kaidan can move and push those slick fingers inside him. His muscles jump and twitch as they touch his sensitive skin and then Kaidan’s slipping a couple inside him.

Kaidan looks absolutely fascinated with his task. Then he meets Cal’s eyes, and activates his biotics. Shepard’s fingers dig into the blankets and pleasures rockets through his body. He’s let other men use their biotics on him in the past, but Kaidan definitely has the best control over his and Cal’s turned on by the thought of Kaidan testing things out on himself or even on other men.

Everything Kaidan’s done to him has been soft but he’s already a wreck. Another finger pushes in, stretching him, getting him ready for the main event. “Faster,” he murmurs. His back arches, muscles clench as Kaidan listens. He doesn’t touch Cal’s cock but he might just cum soon anyways. It’s been so long, he’s extra sensitive, each touch reaches deep inside him.

Now four fingers are thrusting into him. Kaidan’s kissing his inner thighs and it’s driving him wild. Kaidan’s working patiently but he knows he’s so eager for stimulation too. When he sits up and grabs his own cock, a visible shiver races up his spine. It makes Cal’s mouth water. Kaidan pushes his hips forward into his hand. He takes his fingers out of Shepard and then rubs the tip along his hole.

“Oh, please, please, please,” Cal breathlessly begs. Just one steady push, that’s all he wants and then he’ll be filled-

Kaidan reaches for the lube again. His biotics are still activated as he slicks himself up, and then they fade away. He scoots a little closer, his dry hand running up and down Cal’s thigh. Shepard wishes he could read minds right now, even though he’s sure Kaidan’s thinking the same things he is. The last time they were in this position, it was before...the end. Before the Cerberus lab with Edi, before the final battle at London. Before the crucible launch and before Shepard was stolen. So much has happened between then and now. But this--this is familiar and comfortable and safe. It fills Cal with a different kind of warmth and he’s so happy to be where he’s at right now.

“You ready?” Kaidan breathes. Is he trembling, or is that simply Shepard’s imagination?

“Yes.” Cal’s eyes are glued on his face, Kaidan’s the most handsome person he’s ever met. His heart, whether it’s normal or a leviathan machine, is filled with so much love for Kaidan. His breath stutters as Kaidan pushes, slowly, steadily. He’s inside. Cal’s relaxed, legs spread wide as he goes as deep as he can. Then he leans down and kisses him hard. His thrusts start slow and Cal’s trying to be very mindful of how his nails dig into his skin. Being fucked by Kaidan is one of his favorite things, this time is no different.

He rubs his hands down Kaidan’s arms. “Are you flexing?” he teases.

Kaidan laughs. “I’m just holding myself up. Squishing you wouldn’t be sexy.”

“Some people are into that.”

He rolls his eyes and moves his hips faster.

“Now you’re just trying to shut me up.”

“I see that it isn’t working.”

Cal grins but then quickly gets distracted. He moans to let him know he does indeed like the faster movements, three years and he’s too impatient to take it slow. Kaidan’s hitting him deep, hitting him just right, his cock is untouched but he doesn’t think that’s going to matter.

“Stop holding back,” he says. Then he adds, “I’m okay, I promise.”

Kaidan’s nails gently scratch down his chest and make him shiver. Then he pushes Cal’s legs back and starts pounding. It’s a stupid thought, but he thinks Kaidan’s cock is a perfect fit for his ass. There’s no other explanation for why he’s on the brink of orgasm. Kaidan’s still not being as rough as he can be but that can’t be helped. Cal knows he’s just worried about wearing him out their first time. It doesn’t matter, he’s still breathless and pulsing with pleasure.

One hand scratches at the pillow by his head, the other clenches his own leg. His toes curl and his hole begins to spasm as Kaidan pounds into him. Cal can tell he’s close too. He pushes Shepard’s legs back just a little more, his dick hits a little deeper, and then Cal is cumming hard on his stomach. He moans loudly as his first orgasm in years hits him. His walls tighten around the still-moving cock inside him and it doesn’t take much more before Kaidan’s shoving himself in and filling him with cum.

They’re both panting hard. Kaidan tries to catch his breath before slowly pulling out. Cal groans and motions for him to kiss him. When he does, he wraps his arms around Kaidan. They smile at each other, bodies slick and relaxed. Cal never wants to move again but he turns onto his side when Kaidan lies next to him. Their hands touch but don’t quite hold. No words are needed right now and they just listen to each other breathe for a short while. For today, everything is right in the galaxy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, since you're all now familiar with my version of the control ending, I have *another* control ending fic that takes place in Andromeda and stars my Luca Ryder. If you're interested in checking it out (it's tagged as mreyder AND mshenko), it's called 'The General's Revenge.' I wrote it for last year's MEBB (if you like it, please comment because it's still sitting at Zero Comments and I'm honestly heartbroken)


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